Nestled Betwixt the Adult Bookstore and the Crematorium

Tuesday, November 10th, 2020

On Saturday, just before the major news outlets called the presidential election for Joe Biden, the Trump campaign held one of the most bizarre press conferences the world has ever seen. It took place at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. No, not the fancy worldwide hotel chain, but the landscaping company you’ve never heard of. The hotel even had to clarify:

A tweet reading “To clarify, President Trump’s press conference will NOT be held at Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia. 
It will be held at Four Seasons Total Landscaping— no relation with the hotel.”

Instead, the event took place in the parking lot of a small business near Interstate 95. The content of the event consisted of meritless claims of election irregularities, without any actual evidence. But the location, next to Fantasy Island adult bookstore and across from Delaware Valley Cremation Center? That was simply too perfect, in all its slapdash squalor.

An undustrial parking lot, with a crowd watching Rudy Guiliani speak in front of a garage door

Like nearly everything the Trump campaign has ever done, this event was hastily thrown together with next to no planning. It featured terrible cable management, a campaign sign-plastered garage door as a backdrop and oh yeah, a perennial losing political candidate who also happens to be a convicted sex offender. It was deeply evocative of Trump’s entire inept time in office, and I can only hope it will become the enduring image of his defeat.

I’ve been enjoying this story for three full days now, and it hasn’t gotten old. I’ve speculated on how exactly this all came to pass, and I’ve continued to discover new jokes. You might like this hilarious Zoom backdrop, suitable for meetings of all types. Or perhaps you’d like to see “Four Seasons Total Landscaping” become shorthand for overwhelmingly terribleness in sports. This meme just keeps on giving.

In between laughing fits, I also took some time to consider exactly why this story is such a delight. The key is that for once, the incompetence of the Trump administration isn’t hurting anyone but themselves. There’s no need to be rueful about this, because in just a few short weeks, Donald Trump will be out of office. When he goes, hateful, harmful monsters like Stephen Miller will go with him. That’s a very good thing.

One day soon, I hope I can read an investigative report detailing how these rutabagas wound up at Four Seasons Total Landscaping in the middle of nowhere northeast Philadelphia. For now, however, I will just laugh and laugh.


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