If you’ve ever purchased ice in bulk for a trip to the beach or the campground, it’s likely you pulled it out of an ice chest like this:

[Photo credit: Roadsidepictures]

Gas stations and convenience stores in America often feature such a unit, and sell ice for just a dollar or three per bag, despite the incredible work that was undertaken to get it in your hands.¹ They’re functional, and the I C E lettering (and snow on top of it) frequently looks inviting, but they’re fairly boring overall.

Recently, thanks to a video on the webernets, I learned of the existence of a very different kind of ice machine. That video was just 15 seconds, and you can watch it below.²

The joke in the video was that the kid was expecting the ice to come out of the chute, and he got tricked.³ That’s mildly amusing, sure. But the much, much, much funnier thing to me is that the machine is singing a song. A song about ice!

I’ve transcribed what I believe is being sung here:

🎶 It’s too hot
Get some ice
Need a cool drink
Just chill it nice
Got me a big old bag of ice
This hot deal’s so cool
It’s twice as nice. 🎶

Someone wrote this! And recorded it! In a studio, possibly. Naturally, I poked around the internet, desperate to find more. At first, all I could find was a tweet quoting the song:

The replies to that tweet helped me dig up another video of this absurd machine, which includes the full song. Thank you, Lucas Anderson, for capturing this.

A bit more research led me to “Ice House USA”. They’re in Florida (“Corporate Vision: To become the leader in retail ice sales on the West Coast of Florida.”) and the initial video apparently came from Texas, but it seems certain this is the same machine (covered by U.S. Patents No. 6,932,124 and 7,104,291 (“Automated ice bagging apparatus and methods”)). The Ice House USA FAQ includes this answer to “How does this thing work?”

Our “Twice the Ice” vending kiosks are completely automated and self-contained, with an 8’x 24′ footprint. The machine produces, bags, and vends a 16lb bag of ice. We also offer 20lbs of bulk ice, which consumers can dispense directly into their coolers through a chute, for the same price as the bagged ice. Customers simply insert their dollar bills or coins into the machine, which then dispenses fresh ice.

As well as this question which surely is not asked frequently:

Who’s making the Ice?

While we’ve been accused of housing gnomes and penguins in the back of our ice houses laboriously bagging ice, everything is in fact quite automated. An ice maker on the top of the kiosk produces ice as needed and the ice moves forward through the house using a series of rakes and augers. The ice is then weighed and either bagged or dispensed directly into your cooler. You are getting fresh ice and won’t have to worry about having to smash your bagged ice on the ground to separate the cubes like you do when you go to the inconvenience store.

That marks the extent of their FAQ. Alas, there’s no mention of the singing, which seems like a real miss. Certainly my most frequently asked questions since learning about this have all related to the song, and the artists behind it.

I hope to learn more in the future, but for now, I’m content just to share the singing ice machine with you. And hey, if you own land on Florida’s west coast, you can consider leasing it to Ice House USA to get in on the singing ice machine revolution.

Footnotes:

1. A classic Simpsons clip is archived here. ↩︎

2. I saw this in a deleted post on Reddit here, but I don’t know the original source. For now, I’m just hosting my own copy, but I’ll gladly link to the original source if someone points me to it. ↩︎

3. Also, if it had come out that way, he was going to catch approximately none of it. But we’ll set his terrible technique aside.↩︎

Over in Iceland, there’s a supermarket chain called Bónus.¹ When I visited the Nordic nation six years ago, I became very fond of the company’s logo, which I call the Bonus Pig. It’s a piggy bank (for savings!), and it’s so round that it often takes the place of the letter “O” in their name.² Feast your eyes upon the Bonus Pig:

If you’re thinking “That looks rather silly”, you’re not wrong. It is silly, and that is what makes it great. But my friend, this little piglet used to be so, so much sillier. Please, click the play button below to morph the Bonus Pig back to its former glory:

Just look at that incredible wonkeye. It is the epitome of glorious imperfection. From the moment I happened upon the Bonus Pig in 2016, I was smitten. I shared it on Instagram:

[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]

For quite some time, I also re-used one of their plastic bags:

[Photo courtesy of S. Hiraiwa]

Can you believe this was the logo of the largest supermarket chain in an entire country? It’s amazing. Here it is on one of their storefronts:

The little piggy who owned a market also flew on flags:

A few months ago I even received a Bonus Pig shirt as a gift.³ I wear it proudly and wonkeyedily:

Please insert your own pig snort sound.

Alas, the original Bonus Pig was sanitized in the past year or so. Some swine, no doubt thinking that they could “fix” the Bonus Pig, went and gave the little dude corrective eye surgery. Just as when the execrable SAP Concur killed off Hipmunk, joy has once again been sucked from the world. It is a travesty. This is not my beautiful pig:

Before too many days go by, I hope the designer in question says to themselves “My God, what have I done?”, and sets to work undoing this regrettable change.

For now though, my wonkeyed little friend can still be spotted in various places around Bónus’s website. If and when it eventually disappears completely from there, this page will remain as a memorial to what was lost.

Footnotes:

1. Apparently, they’ve also got eight stores in the Faroe Islands. ↩︎

2. Technically, it’s the letter “Ó”, but I’m not really down with diphthongs. I’m going with a standard “o” in this post, and in my life. ↩︎

3. This shirt is a knockoff, so it’s particularly amusing that they kept the ® registered trademark symbol. ↩︎

Last year, I attended a delightful holiday party co-hosted by my friend Susie S. This party included a cinema light box with rearrangeable letters, the kind you’ve likely seen at some point in the past few years.

I decided to craft this message:

Please note the use of the champagne emoji

This was an inclusive message, for any and all to be merry at the end of the year, regardless of what holidays one celebrates. I was thus quite surprised when it created a most ridiculous controversy, after Susie posted it to her Facebook page. As I have no desire to brew a further tempest in this teapot, I won’t link to the thread in question. However, I will share some choice quotes (all presented as they were posted, with typographical errors preserved).

• [W]hy would you even repost something like this I respect your religion and I respect my religion

• As a Christian, this is offensive. It’s not like we say “Merry Hanukkah, or Merry Kwanza”….no… we say “Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanza.” This is directly related to Christmas. And it is taking Christ out of Christmas 😞 please reconsider this as your cover photo. It is harboring negativity and anger in our country.

I was truly taken aback by these responses. Two different Christians seemed to feel they owned the word “merry”. That was really something to me. Frankly, it was terribly difficult to wrap my head around the idea of someone going through life so privileged, and so oblivious to that privilege, that they could believe someone using the word “merry” is offensive. And yet, there we were. There we all were.

Fortunately, many additional folks came in to defend this goofy thing which should have needed no defending.

• This isn’t mentioning any religion at all. If anything I think it reads as “Enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate.” by saying MerryWhatever.

• I find it kind and inclusive and joyful. Merry is a word that belongs to everyone.

• It’s lighthearted. Some of the people at the party don’t have religious affiliations, I’m sure. ” Merry” is not a Christian word. In fact in merry old England the phrase they’ve always used is “Happy Xmas” not “merry”.

• If your faith is threatened by someone’s greeting, then you may need to reexamine your faith and/or religious choices.

• Love this! I want one! Inclusive and also highlighting the exhaustion of the holiday season!

• I think it’s cheerful and inclusive, and doubly that it’s a damn shame folks don’t take it in the obvious holiday spirit with which it was intended.

Despite what a few ridiculous blowhards have been spouting on television for years, there’s not actually a war on Christmas. However, I’m now starting a war for “Merry”. After this incident, I’ve determined to apply merry to everything I can. So Merry Hanukkah! Merry New Year! Merry Martin Luther King Day!

Merry Whatever, everyone!