Previous “Emoji” posts

“Boxcheeseburger” Is Also an OK Nickname 

Major League Baseball's first emoji jersey was great.

On Major League Baseball’s recently created “Player’s Weekend”, players are allowed to customize their uniforms in multiple ways, including wearing a nickname on the back of their jersey. This year, one Arizona Diamondback’s pitcher really nailed it:

Photo via the Arizona Diamondbacks

Yes, that’s pitcher Brad Boxberger’s jersey, featuring an emoji nickname. Slate has a great interview with 📦🍔.

Do you ever look at the burger emoji and think, “Hmm, this is more of a cheeseburger”? Were you afraid anyone would misinterpret your name as “Boxcheeseburger”?

There’s always that possibility. But you can’t be too choosey when you’re going with emojis to try to spell your last name.

I hope we see more emoji jerseys in 2019. All-stars like Mike Trout ( 🐟 (“Fish”)) and Chris Sale (⛵ (“Sailboat”) or even 🈹 (“Japanese symbol meaning discount”)) are obvious candidates.

Sticking With the Classic

In 2018, there are many options to convey disgust via emoji.

Almost exactly a year ago, I noted the upcoming “Face with open mouth vomiting” emoji (🤮). This emoji is now available on the latest OSes, but if you don’t see it at the end of the previous sentence, here’s a massive version of Apple’s take on it:

Apple’s “Face with open mouth vomiting” emoji

I have some questions for the designer at Apple who drew this, including “Where exactly is this massive stream of vomit coming from?” and “Did this poor creature eat green Jell-o with a side of Mike & Ikes?”. Artistic choices aside, however, this would seem to be an obvious choice if I needed to select an emoji for Barvd in 2018.

There’s actually now a wealth of options available for consideration. In addition to that actively puking face, there’s this guy who’s right on the cusp:

This “Nauseated face” (🤢) was introduced in 2016. Props are due to the Unicode Consortium for not incorrectly calling this the “nauseous” face.

More recently, the “Face with hand over mouth” (🤭) was introduced:

Apple’s version of this could be holding it in, but the eyes fail to show any sort of panic or plans to dash for a toilet or trash can. Worse, other platforms actually show smiling eyes and even a smiling mouth, making “Face with hand over mouth” a poor choice overall.

Clockwise from top left: Google, Microsoft, Twitter, and Facebook

Of course, as long time readers may recall, the Barvd emoji was already selected way back in 2014. In that long-ago era, life was generally worse all around. The women and people of color of emojiland found themselves largely unable to hold down a steady job (👩🏽‍⚕️👨🏿‍⚖️), and it was also impossible to ask for a glass of bourbon (🥃) or even properly flip someone off (🖕). In part because the available emoji set was far smaller, this little guy was chosen to represent Barvd:

“Speak-No-Evil Monkey”/Barvd emoji

We’ve been using this emoji for over four years, and I think he holds up well. While the above choices may be more obvious, part of the enjoyment of emoji is interpreting them. I welcome the use of alternative emoji alongside an exclamation of the word “Barvd!”, but personally, I’ll be sticking with the classic puking monkey. He never goes out of style.

Pairs Well With Smiley Faces 

Last week, lexicographer Jane Solomon posted an in-depth analysis of which emoji get paired with the gun emoji.

They Finally Made a Real Barvd Emoji 

Relatively recently, emoji were updated to include modifiers. This functionality enables multiple emoji to be joined into one, thus making it easier to have multiple genders and skin tones for people. Now, XKCD suggests a new modifier.

Emoji Logos

The new Logoji Instagram account is great. It takes real logos and reworks them to replace elements with standard emoji (using Apple’s emoji art, specifically).

I’ve made side-by-side comparisons of some of my favorites, to really highlight how well done this is.

Malibu Rum

The PGA Tour

Santander Bank

Frankly, I think you could swap that Santander logo in everywhere, and no one would notice.

Ancient Emoji 

New York’s Museum of Modern Art has just “added” the original emoji, created for Japanese mobile provider NTT DoCoMo in 1999, to their permanent collection. The New York Times has an excellent look at this bizarre artifact of a nearly pre-historic era.

Ancient Emoji

Barvd: 2015 in Review

Despite attempts by domain sellers, you won’t find a collection of disgusting social media posts on No, it’s only on that you can get this kind of delightful content, and here you are, just in time for another year of Barvd. Let’s look at what was dreadful in 2015!


We start the year off with something of a mess. The winner (and sole nominee) for this month is a tweet which has been deleted. Fortunately, much like the Library of Congress, the fine folks over at Favstar handle the archiving of tweets.

You ever wonder if the air in those bubbles came from some factory where the wife of the boss hates vaccines so everybody has mumps?

As Brooklyn Nine-nine recently showed, mumps are both hilarious and disgusting.


Honestly, this one’s sort of a cheat, because it’s really just a tweet about a disgusting news story. On the other hand, it’s so foul that it’s easy to bend the rules so as to include it.

Woman makes yogurt using ingredients that may cause you to lose your lunch

I have some questions about the structure of this headline. Should we not make yogurt with this grad student’s vagina, or with any vaginas? It’s unclear.


This next tweet actually seems relatively innocuous.

Man, you post a video of 10,000 swarming ants on your Instagram and everyone freaks out.

Sure, the idea of thousands of swarming ants is a bit unsettling, but withou—OH SWEET UNHOLY HELL

Run! Run to April! It can’t possibly be as bad as this!


You might be surprised how much time a Barvd post requires. I’ve had this picture up in my browser for quite some time:

Hot dog/spaghetti jellyfish for Olive's lunch. Fun and little gross.

It didn’t start out so disgusting, but like mold, the foulness has grown over time. I’m sick of looking at this horrible creation, but now it’s your turn.


The crassness of this tweet is rather off-putting:

Congrats to American Pharaoh your cum is worth so much money now

But what’s much more off-putting is that Alison is entirely correct.


You know how to make a pretty lousy Smashing Pumpkins hit from the ’90s even worse?

*billy corgan voice* the world is a webinar

Good luck not hearing that line sung in Billy Corgan’s nasal whine.


July is the time to celebrate America’s independence, so let’s look at an incredible American creation:

i found this old recipe photo and now i cannot stop screaming.

I was already gagging at the thought of a hamnana. There was no need to top it off with Hollandaise.


The following was tweeted during an early Republican debate, and it’s especially gross when you remember who was on stage.

true story: they have to burn those podiums afterwards because the candidates orgasm every time they say 'Benghazi' #GOPDebate

Even more sickening is the fact that this was just the beginning of many months of horrible Republican debates. Don’t worry though, just eight more months until the election.


This fantasy in three parts amuses, before it horrifies with the unpleasant yoga pants visual.

Sorry I'm late! Let's get on with the show! Can anywhere guess where my dove is?
*silence; child slowly raises hand*
@rynbtmn, in a three tweet set

That poor imaginary child. That poor real us.


In recent years, traditional sexy/slutty Halloween costumes have really gotten played out. Thankfully, there are always innovators coming up with bold new ideas.

Halloween costume ideas:
-Sexy Iran Deal
-Sexy Water On Mars 
-Sexy Kim Davis

If you don’t remember Kim Davis, good for you. She’s too unappealing on both the outside and the inside to be pictured, even on the pages of Barvd, so you’ll have to do your own image search. If you do remember the dishonorable Ms. Davis, you know just how repugnant this idea is.


Let’s take a drive through almost 400 years of history. Halfway through we take a sharp left turn, so hang on tight.

1620—Francis Bacon describes the scientific method

2015—I experimentally confirm that I can use mouthwash and blow my nose at the same time

Aw, come on, man. Neven. No.


In December, I wrote about “bully sticks”. The truth behind them is unappetizing to say the least. The response I got from one reader, however, was beyond the pail.1

a friend tried to save money by cutting bully sticks into smaller portions. The smell from the bandsaw can only be described as 🙊

➕1️⃣ to Mr. Bailey for his correct use of the Barvd emoji, but ➖💯 for providing us all with the idea of hot, smoking bully stick.

We’re Done Here

That’s it for the year 2015. Thank goodness this is a leap year, as it enabled me to get our 2015 review in before March 1st. Fear not though, because the collecting of awfulness for 2016 has already begun. As always, if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


  1. No, that’s not a typo. “Beyond the pail”, as in, it made me puke so hard I overshot the bucket for which I was aiming. ↩︎

An Anticlimactic Conclusion

Well, this will be anticlimactic for most, but the mailbox poopers have been revealed to be my good friends James and Jill. They sent me an email with the following:

  • We hope you enjoyed the lovely present we sent you. We saw it and thought of you. The checkout process had no way to include a note.

So the real culprit here is a terrible checkout process. I hope we’ve all learned something. Namely, that it’s possible to send a stuffed pile of poo emoji through the mail, to anyone you love (or hate). Well, if this site’s faithful readers hadn’t managed to buy up so many that they’d sold out, anyway.

Sold Out
Y’all have a lot of disposable income.

Who Pooped My Mailbox?

Back in November, I purchased a stuffed emoji pile of poo pillow.

November Pile of Poo Pic
Smiling Brown Triangle

How do I know it was November? Well, because said pillow was actually a work expense for my lady Maggie, at her completely professional and totally mature job. I used Square Cash (Square Cash!) to get paid back, complete with a dated explanation in an appropriately cartoony bubble.

Square Negotiations
Really rather expensive for a poop pillow

Anyhow, flash forward to yesterday, when a mysterious package arrived in my mailbox from So Unique Gifts.

February Pile of Poo Pic
It looks angry.

Now I appreciate the opportunity to earn some Instagram likes as much as the next guy, but thus far, I’ve gotten no answers. Multiple people have expressed that they wished they’d been the ones to send me this, but none have actually claimed responsibility. So, who did it? Reveal yourself, shitposter!

Update (February 22nd, 2016): Tune in to this mystery’s not-very-exciting conclusion!

Too Big to Emoji

Anyone who reads this site knows I love emoji. A mountain of evidence makes it clear that I’m a big fan. Still, when I get an email like this:

  • ❄ ☃ Excited about the Holidays? ☃ ❄

I tend to think, maybe the financial institution which holds my mortgage should be just a bit more professional.