Recently, I purchased a package of that delightful winter treat, the clementine. They’re easy to eat, and tasty, but this particular package really had some things going on. I didn’t notice what I’d picked up until after purchasing, but these were apparently “Cuties”, which seem to be made for small children:

On the other hand, it’s possible the target audience is some sort of citrusphile fruit freaks. The imagery features unzipping that’s more than a little obscene, as well as eyebrows that look rather lustful. Frankly, the whole thing feels sexualized, and that’s just gross. Try to unsee it! I know I can’t.

Still, I’d already bought them before I noticed this, and returning them because they were “too sexy” seemed likely to get me on some sort of list. So, I cut open the net to place them all in a fruit bowl, so I could rid myself of the disturbing wrapping. When I did, I found that some of the clementines in the package had stickers on them.

These stickers appear to serve no real purpose, except perhaps to make me feel far less adult while I enjoyed a snack, and also to provide content for this site. Herein, a very brief review of the five Cutie stickers I saw:

Rudolph Cutie

This was the first of three stickers which were all appropriate for the Christmas season. Of course, if you take a look, you’ll see that Cuties don’t appear to have noses. As such, it seems as likely as not that “Rudolph Cutie” here actually has a giant, disgusting cyst. Barvd!

Jingle Cutie

This sticker is fairly innocuous, though with the hat, it looks more like a “Santa Cutie” than a “Jingle Cutie” to me.

Stocking Stuffer

I like this sticker, because it alludes to the tradition of placing oranges in a Christmas stocking. I don’t know that a single small Cutie would make a great stocking stuffer, but a few could be nice.

Captain Cutie

Things took an abrupt turn away from Christmas with this pirate-themed sticker. I’m not sure what this has to do with much of anything, but at least we know this is one buccaneer who won’t get scurvy.

Mouthcandy

I really have issues with this final sticker. There are many modifiers for candy. We use “ear candy” for catchy music and “arm candy” for a young person accompanying an older individual on a date. There’s even “nose candy”, for cocaine. But mouthcandy? That’s just candy! It’s the default. You don’t need the “mouth” modifier. It would be like saying “heart blood”. That’s just blood!

Also, I’m not sure why this Cutie was dipped like a candy apple, but it’s very unappealing.

Conclusion

At the moment, I’m on the fence about purchasing more Cuties. Ultimately, if I can find a clementine that doesn’t make me feel like I need to wait until the lunch bell rings to eat it, that would be best.

2017 is almost over, which means it’s well past time for this year’s edition of Barvd. We may not even remember most of the most nauseating social media posts of 2016, but they happened nonetheless. Let’s make this a very scary Christmas, with a long overdue summary of the most disgusting tweets and Instagram posts from last year. Thankfully, for six more days, 2016 still is last year.

January

Winter weather in Boston is frightful, but it doesn’t usually involve arachnids.

@eyemadequiet

Marie here found the exception, and now I’m scared to put on clothes without shaking the hell out of them.

February

I know we’d all like to forget Ted Cruz even exists, but this gross triptych is worth remembering, despite the something-shaming.

@scottsimpson, 2, 3

At the time of this writing, BeefyWattle.org is still available for registration.

March

March of 2016 had a large number of nominees, including several disgusting food items, which are always a favorite. And yet, this is insane “abbreviation” topped them all.

@mrgan

That’s simply unacceptable.

April

I really like this tweet with no context at all.

@jkubicek

If you like, click to learn the context, but you might also choose to let it remain a mystery!

May

As Spring sprang in 2016, our pal Scott came back with a sickening Instagram post. I’m dry heaving just thinking about this:

@scottsimpson

Anyone considering purchasing this might better spend their time and money on cleaning.

June

Get ready for the old switcheroo…

@mattingebretson

Well played, Matt. I’m sure your parents are, uh, very proud.

July

Previously, we heard about hot, smoking bully sticks. Now, it gets worse.

@mccreath

It’s likely this is really putting the “anal” in “artisanal”.

August

Do you remember the 90s? They were pretty good overall, but they certainly weren’t perfect.

@sarahkendzior

There’s a lot to take in here: The sweat. The McDonald’s. The thighs. Oh god, the pasty thighs. Let’s see if we can move on faster than Bill jogged.

September

Celebrities got into the Barvd game last year, with Canadian actor Devon Sawa sharing this monstrosity:

@DevonESawa

I guess we’d call it a “turpus”? At least until we cram a chicken in there to make it a “turpusen”, anyway.

October

In addition to being the last full month with hope and brightness in the world, October 2016 provided a bit of a mystery. When first looking at this tweet, it was not clear what was going on.

@MannyElk

I first saw a person’s backside. OK, it’s a man, and he’s not in the best shape. Ah, jeez, is he at a urinal? That’s kind of gross. But ultimately, what’s the big deal? Let’s have a look at the full image:

Oh. Oh god. No. Why?! At least it’s a nice callback to our April selection.

November

I’m sure November had plenty of disgusting tweets. However, nothing was worse than this tweet (as well as others like it from news sources around the world):

@cnn

As you can likely guess, I chose CNN’s tweet specifically. While I certainly wish this had been fake news, CNN is a credible news organization, and this was all too real. It was also all too sickening.

December

The day after the 2016 election, I quit reading Twitter cold turkey. I haven’t been back since. As such, I don’t have a selection for December. Viewing Donald Trump’s tweets from the entire month would provide plenty to be disgusted by, but you’re better off avoiding it entirely. The real world is stomach-turning enough without reading the ravings of the absolute worst president in history.

The End

That’s it for the year 2016, and likely for our annual Barvd reviews as well. We’ll likely still have Barvd one-offs in the future, though. If you seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic, or other post, send it in, or tweet a link to @OneFootTsunami.

Here at One Foot Tsunami, we get emails. We get stacks and stacks of emails. These emails are almost entirely spam, generally asking if i’ll accept payment for a “sponsored post”. My commitment to journalistic integrity is strong, however, and you’ll never see ads masquerading as content here. At least not until these clowns start offering more money, anyhow.

Anyhow, I recently received a somewhat stranger email:

Initially, I couldn’t figure out what domain I own that’s related to “BaronVD.com”. Eventually I realized; I’m receiving this solicitation because I own Barvd.com. Yes, a domain name used to direct people to the worst of the worst in gross tweets and the like is now earning me unsolicited offers for “related domain names”.

So Theodora, I appreciate the offer, but please consider this my official notice of disinterest. Also, how the hell did you even find Barvd.com? Were you just trying assorted letter combinations? Krang!

After receiving this email, I took a peek at the actually site. It seems Theodora isn’t actually in a place to sell BaronVD.com anymore, as she let the registration lapse:

With only two hours left, the cost was $12, and there were zero bids. Hard luck!

Just over a year ago, the world was introduced to the Barvd emoji. Lamentably, however, there hasn’t been an official edition of Barvd since last January. Fortunately, plenty of awful was collected since then, so let’s take a look at 2014 in unpleasantness.

January

@scottsimpson

Thanks, Scott! It’s always good to kick things off with a truly horrifying thought.

February

@redkeg

I’m not saying you should visit RateMyPoo.com, because you shouldn’t. Hell, that’s why I didn’t even make that a link. But you should be aware that a bowel movement rating site exists, and allow that fact to color your impression of humanity.

March

@scottsimpson

This horrifying tweet from @heidihitschildren was a runner-up in February, and helped Scott to his second appearance here in just three months.

April

@commanda

The cat grosses me out, but the sleep-mind cracks me up.

May

@AlisonAgosti

Probably the worst thing about this is that it’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.

June

We have an intermission here, as much like in August of 2013, no one grossed me out in June of 2014. It seems like my gag reflex takes summer vacations. Ah well — moving on!

July

@mrgan

And now, a passage from my upcoming novel “Mumphrey’s Downfall”, set amongst the backdrop of world diplomacy and international intrigue:

• “As soon as he said it, he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Forks and glasses clattered to the floor, and then the room fell silent. His words hung there, like a fart in the freezer.”

I am currently accepting bids from publishers.

August

@Moltz

It seems 2014 was a good year for gross-out tweets about bugs.

September

@ems

I particularly like the way Michaela’s tweet does not transcribe this as a quote from the foot. Rather, it is a simple statement of fact.

October

@mccreath

Sushi does not work that way!

November

@biorhythmist

Just re-reading this, I had a visceral gag. Awful, Matt, just awful.

December

@Clarko…@Clarko…@Clarko

Please allow my earlier comment, as well as @antichrista’s, to serve as a reply:

Damn straight. Insta-Barvd of the year, is more like it. Thanks a lot, Clarko. Jesus Crist.

Closing Time

Sometimes, I stop and take stock of things. “Self,” I’ll ask, in these moments of introspection, “are you really spending time compiling all the gross things people put out there on social media?”. Yes. Yes, I am, so if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Until next time!

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I’ve been barfing ever since. Yes, this installment of Barvd is a long, long time coming. We went through all of 2013 without a proper edition of Barvd, which almost certainly explains that hole you feel in your very being. However, just because a collection wasn’t published doesn’t mean the nauseating tweets and more weren’t being collected. So, herein, a retrospective showing the most vile post of each month of 2013.

January

@ems

Was that an expression of dismissal, or just the catcaller’s second try?

February

@sween

Ah, horsemeat jokes. Mostly forgotten now, yes, but topical and nauseating back in February 2013. With the horsemeat scandal long past, the question is, what are you eating now?

March

@mrgan

It’s not actually possible to sew a person together from ballsacks, but rest assured, science is working on it.

April

@scottsimpson

Despite the grossness of a zombie nipple, it’s Mr. Simpson’s hopefulness that’s truly revolting.

May

@meowrey

No! No you cannot! Not in the morning, nor in the evening, nor at supper time.

Also, if you didn’t grow up in America during the 90s, this handy reference will likely help.¹

June

@amyjane

This was referring to a Sesame Street-themed amusement park aimed at young kids, which you’d have to assume is already a super bacteria breeding ground. Kids nursing from slushie spigots, however, is beyond the pale.

July

@badbanana

A Tom Arnold would probably look pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down.

August

Apparently, no one triggered my gag reflex in the month of August, and that’s perhaps the most sickening thing of all. Let’s move on.

September

@eyemadequiet

Krang! Just reading that, I let out an involuntary yelp.

October

@Erin_Murph

Can the health department be called to close a kitchen in someone’s house?

November

@mrgan

This one is so bad, Neven actually prefaced it with a warning. I did not. Hey, you knew what you were getting in to.

December

@jasonpermenter

There’s only thing fouler than drinking hot “special garlic dipping sauce”, and that’s eating Papa John’s in the first place.

That’s a Wrap

There you have it, “2013: The Year in Disgusting”. Who knows what the coming year holds in store for us? We shall see! If you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Footnotes:

1. Archived as always. ↩︎