Welcome to Barvd.com

For the full backstory on Barvd.com, see this post. Bavrd.com is a simple redirect, showing the archives of posts containing nauseating tweets.

Submit others for consideration or just enjoy!

Barvd: 2015 in Review

Monday, February 29th, 2016

Despite attempts by domain sellers, you won’t find a collection of disgusting social media posts on baronvd.com. No, it’s only on barvd.com that you can get this kind of delightful content, and here you are, just in time for another year of Barvd. Let’s look at what was dreadful in 2015!

January

We start the year off with something of a mess. The winner (and sole nominee) for this month is a tweet which has been deleted. Fortunately, much like the Library of Congress, the fine folks over at Favstar handle the archiving of tweets.

You ever wonder if the air in those bubbles came from some factory where the wife of the boss hates vaccines so everybody has mumps?
@doomnibbler__

As Brooklyn Nine-nine recently showed, mumps are both hilarious and disgusting.

February

Honestly, this one’s sort of a cheat, because it’s really just a tweet about a disgusting news story. On the other hand, it’s so foul that it’s easy to bend the rules so as to include it.

Woman makes yogurt using ingredients that may cause you to lose your lunch
@HuffPostWeird

I have some questions about the structure of this headline. Should we not make yogurt with this grad student’s vagina, or with any vaginas? It’s unclear.

March

This next tweet actually seems relatively innocuous.

Man, you post a video of 10,000 swarming ants on your Instagram and everyone freaks out.
@Moltz

Sure, the idea of thousands of swarming ants is a bit unsettling, but withou—OH SWEET UNHOLY HELL


Run! Run to April! It can’t possibly be as bad as this!

April

You might be surprised how much time a Barvd post requires. I’ve had this picture up in my browser for quite some time:

Hot dog/spaghetti jellyfish for Olive's lunch. Fun and little gross.
@antichrista

It didn’t start out so disgusting, but like mold, the foulness has grown over time. I’m sick of looking at this horrible creation, but now it’s your turn.

May

The crassness of this tweet is rather off-putting:

Congrats to American Pharaoh your cum is worth so much money now
@AlisonAgosti

But what’s much more off-putting is that Alison is entirely correct.

June

You know how to make a pretty lousy Smashing Pumpkins hit from the ’90s even worse?

*billy corgan voice* the world is a webinar
@mallelis

Good luck not hearing that line sung in Billy Corgan’s nasal whine.

July

July is the time to celebrate America’s independence, so let’s look at an incredible American creation:

i found this old recipe photo and now i cannot stop screaming.
@Becca_DP

I was already gagging at the thought of a hamnana. There was no need to top it off with Hollandaise.

August

The following was tweeted during an early Republican debate, and it’s especially gross when you remember who was on stage.

true story: they have to burn those podiums afterwards because the candidates orgasm every time they say 'Benghazi' #GOPDebate
@katefeetie

Even more sickening is the fact that this was just the beginning of many months of horrible Republican debates. Don’t worry though, just eight more months until the election.

September

This fantasy in three parts amuses, before it horrifies with the unpleasant yoga pants visual.

Sorry I'm late! Let's get on with the show! Can anywhere guess where my dove is?
*silence; child slowly raises hand*
@rynbtmn, in a three tweet set

That poor imaginary child. That poor real us.

October

In recent years, traditional sexy/slutty Halloween costumes have really gotten played out. Thankfully, there are always innovators coming up with bold new ideas.

Halloween costume ideas:
-Sexy Iran Deal
-Sexy Water On Mars 
-Sexy Kim Davis
@MariyaAlexander

If you don’t remember Kim Davis, good for you. She’s too unappealing on both the outside and the inside to be pictured, even on the pages of Barvd, so you’ll have to do your own image search. If you do remember the dishonorable Ms. Davis, you know just how repugnant this idea is.

November

Let’s take a drive through almost 400 years of history. Halfway through we take a sharp left turn, so hang on tight.

1620—Francis Bacon describes the scientific method

2015—I experimentally confirm that I can use mouthwash and blow my nose at the same time
@mrgan

Aw, come on, man. Neven. No.

December

In December, I wrote about “bully sticks”. The truth behind them is unappetizing to say the least. The response I got from one reader, however, was beyond the pail.1

a friend tried to save money by cutting bully sticks into smaller portions. The smell from the bandsaw can only be described as 🙊
@MrDABailey

➕1️⃣ to Mr. Bailey for his correct use of the Barvd emoji, but ➖💯 for providing us all with the idea of hot, smoking bully stick.

We’re Done Here

That’s it for the year 2015. Thank goodness this is a leap year, as it enabled me to get our 2015 review in before March 1st. Fear not though, because the collecting of awfulness for 2016 has already begun. As always, if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


Footnotes:

  1. No, that’s not a typo. “Beyond the pail”, as in, it made me puke so hard I overshot the bucket for which I was aiming. ↩︎

Sounds Like a Site for Fancy STDs

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015

Here at One Foot Tsunami, we get emails. We get stacks and stacks of emails. These emails are almost entirely spam, generally asking if i’ll accept payment for a “sponsored post”. My commitment to journalistic integrity is strong, however, and you’ll never see ads masquerading as content here. At least not until these clowns start offering more money, anyhow.

Anyhow, I recently received a somewhat stranger email:

ALT NAME

Initially, I couldn’t figure out what domain I own that’s related to “BaronVD.com”. Eventually I realized; I’m receiving this solicitation because I own Barvd.com. Yes, a domain name used to direct people to the worst of the worst in gross tweets and the like is now earning me unsolicited offers for “related domain names”.

So Theodora, I appreciate the offer, but please consider this my official notice of disinterest. Also, how the hell did you even find Barvd.com? Were you just trying assorted letter combinations? Krang!

After receiving this email, I took a peek at the actually site. It seems Theodora isn’t actually in a place to sell BaronVD.com anymore, as she let the registration lapse:

ALT NAME

With only two hours left, the cost was $12, and there were zero bids. Hard luck!

Barvd: 2014 in Review

Thursday, February 12th, 2015

Just over a year ago, the world was introduced to the Barvd emoji. Lamentably, however, there hasn’t been an official edition of Barvd since last January. Fortunately, plenty of awful was collected since then, so let’s take a look at 2014 in unpleasantness.

January

Gotta figure by this point, thousands of divorced dads have accidentally sexted their daughter
@scottsimpson

Thanks, Scott! It’s always good to kick things off with a truly horrifying thought.

February

There are lots of sounds you don't want to hear in the next stall over, but the iPhone camera shutter is pretty high up there.
@redkeg

I’m not saying you should visit RateMyPoo.com, because you shouldn’t. Hell, that’s why I didn’t even make that a link. But you should be aware that a bowel movement rating site exists, and allow that fact to color your impression of humanity.

March

Much like the Olsen twins on Full House, the role of 'weird lump on my bathroom wall' was played by 15,000 spiders
@scottsimpson

This horrifying tweet from @heidihitschildren was a runner-up in February, and helped Scott to his second appearance here in just three months.

April

My sleep-mind said 'Whatever, it's fine if the cat pukes on my back, I'll clean it up later.' Luckily I woke up enough to prevent that.
@commanda

The cat grosses me out, but the sleep-mind cracks me up.

May

Soup is a great way to eat wet meat out of a little bathtub.
@AlisonAgosti

Probably the worst thing about this is that it’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.

June

We have an intermission here, as much like in August of 2013, no one grossed me out in June of 2014. It seems like my gag reflex takes summer vacations. Ah well — moving on!

July

'My dad worked in a sub-zero meat locker. He said the worst thing about it was, farts would hang in the still air forever. Eight hours a day.
@mrgan

And now, a passage from my upcoming novel “Mumphrey’s Downfall”, set amongst the backdrop of world diplomacy and international intrigue:

  • “As soon as he said it, he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Forks and glasses clattered to the floor, and then the room fell silent. His words hung there, like a fart in the freezer.”

I am currently accepting bids from publishers.

August

'90 percent of hotel beds have bedbugs. But look at your own bed. It’s entirely made of bedbugs. Now look in the mirror. Yes. You are, too.
@Moltz

It seems 2014 was a good year for gross-out tweets about bugs.

September

'Almost forgot: @magnetbox's foot says Hi
@ems

I particularly like the way Michaela’s tweet does not transcribe this as a quote from the foot. Rather, it is a simple statement of fact.

October

I guess sushi is okay, but it makes the microwave smell terrible and by the time the fish is cooked through, the rice is overdone.
@mccreath

Sushi does not work that way!

November

Old man at urinal. Both hands on hips. Possibly prehensile penis.
@biorhythmist

Just re-reading this, I had a visceral gag. Awful, Matt, just awful.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@Clarko@Clarko@Clarko

Please allow my earlier comment, as well as @antichrista’s, to serve as a reply:

Jesus, Dude

Damn straight. Insta-Barvd of the year, is more like it. Thanks a lot, Clarko. Jesus Crist.

Closing Time

Sometimes, I stop and take stock of things. “Self,” I’ll ask, in these moments of introspection, “are you really spending time compiling all the gross things people put out there on social media?”. Yes. Yes, I am, so if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Until next time!

The Barvd Emoji

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Recently, Barvd made a triumphant disgusting return to these pages. One “winner”, @ems, asked what the icon would be for a Barvd. I hadn’t thought of it before, but emoji definitely seem like the way to go here. They’re widely available, and full of all manner of pictures. So I took the time to scan through the emoji offered by iOS 7, and I’m pleased to present the Official Barvd Emoji:

Barvd Emoji
The Official Barvd Emoji

This is technically called the “speak-no-evil monkey”, and it comes in a set with the see-no-evil and hear-no-evil monkeys: 🙈 🙉 🙊. However, on its own, this little simian definitely looks like it could be holding in some puke. Probably after reading a disgusting tweet someone posted.

So when someone says something disgusting, and you want to let them know, just send them a Barvd Monkey. They’ll get the message.

Barvd: 2013 in Review

Friday, January 17th, 2014

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I’ve been barfing ever since. Yes, this installment of Barvd is a long, long time coming. We went through all of 2013 without a proper edition of Barvd, which almost certainly explains that hole you feel in your very being. However, just because a collection wasn’t published doesn’t mean the nauseating tweets and more weren’t being collected. So, herein, a retrospective showing the most vile post of each month of 2013.

January

I didn't respond to a catcaller today so he blew a snot rocket at me.
@ems

Was that an expression of dismissal, or just the catcaller’s second try?

February

I guess we should probably change the saying to 'I’m so hungry I could eat a horse on purpose'.
@sween

Ah, horsemeat jokes. Mostly forgotten now, yes, but topical and nauseating back in February 2013. With the horsemeat scandal long past, the question is, what are you eating now?

March

Another one of my dad's colorful expressions, said of an unattractive person: 'he looks like he's sewn together from ballsacks.'
@mrgan

It’s not actually possible to sew a person together from ballsacks, but rest assured, science is working on it.

April

If they can do all those gross violence things to the zombies on Walking Dead, maybe we can get a zombie nip slip as well?
@scottsimpson

Despite the grossness of a zombie nipple, it’s Mr. Simpson’s hopefulness that’s truly revolting.

May

When Beef Wellington's on a bagel, you can eat Beef Wellington anytime!
@meowrey

No! No you cannot! Not in the morning, nor in the evening, nor at supper time.

Also, if you didn’t grow up in America during the 90s, this handy reference will likely help.1

June

@lexfri I still have flashbacks to the self-serve slushie bar there. Unattended children just sucking on the spigots. Never again.
@amyjane

This was referring to a Sesame Street-themed amusement park aimed at young kids, which you’d have to assume is already a super bacteria breeding ground. Kids nursing from slushie spigots, however, is beyond the pale.

July

'No, half lemonade half iced tea is an Arnold Palmer. A Tom Arnold is half lemonade half Hormel chili.'
@badbanana

A Tom Arnold would probably look pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down.

August

Apparently, no one triggered my gag reflex in the month of August, and that’s perhaps the most sickening thing of all. Let’s move on.

September

'What is it about yoga mats that just attract lint constantly?'*picks up lint**lint turns out to be a live spider*
@eyemadequiet

Krang! Just reading that, I let out an involuntary yelp.

October

If a recipe calls for grated cheese and you don't have quite enough, don't worry! The grated knuckle will totally make up the difference.
@Erin_Murph

Can the health department be called to close a kitchen in someone’s house?

November

My long-haired friend Tom woke up with eye pain, realized one of his hairs was wrapped around his eyeball, all the way around it.
@mrgan

This one is so bad, Neven actually prefaced it with a warning. I did not. Hey, you knew what you were getting in to.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@jasonpermenter

There’s only thing fouler than drinking hot “special garlic dipping sauce”, and that’s eating Papa John’s in the first place.

That’s a Wrap

There you have it, “2013: The Year in Disgusting”. Who knows what the coming year holds in store for us? We shall see! If you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


Footnotes:

  1. Archived as always. ↩︎

Barvd: December 25th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Ho Ho Ho—excuse me, little stutter there! How the time does fly, as it’s been more than five months since the last edition of Barvd. This jumbo-sized holiday edition of Barvd features a post from the new Twitter alternative App.net, and a couple sickening shots from photo-sharing social network Instagram. It’s not just tweets that have the power to make us retch. Now let’s jingle onward:

I can't even.
@eyemadequiet

Eggnog and Seltzer, together at last?

Hard to tell the difference between a plate of half-finished nachos and the result of liposuction gone wrong. They even taste kinda similar.
@scottsimpson

The first line is gross enough, but it’s the second line which puts it over the top. The only way those nachos could be less appealing is with the following cheese:

Breastmilk cheese? #VeganOrNot
@blach

Ah, yes, the eternal, disgusting question.

In the tradition of PenIsland, ExpertsExchange, and PowerGenItalia, another very unfortunate URL. pic.twitter.com/GtQ6276Q
@stevenf

Wait for it. Waaaait for it:

Please, don't Rim a dog.

Oh god, don’t do that.

“Please take that off. You look like Pete Rose.” Since when is your wife looking like Pete Rose not sexy?
@amyjane

I know Amy Jane, and I actually believe she could pull off “Sexy Pete Rose”.

Writing holiday cards in the kitchen, I’m struck by the very specific fear that one of those stray pubes that somehow (despite my best efforts) ends up on the bathroom floor will drift down the hallway and into an envelope, then be mailed to a loved one.
@antichrista

“Merry Christmas!”, from One Foot Tsunami.

Horrifying Clown
@scottsimpson

And a truly horrifying New Year!

Submit Your Own
Seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post? Go ahead and send it on in.

Barvd: July 17th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Welcome to this year’s summer edition of Barvd. You’ve no doubt missed Barvd, because Barvd missed the spring entirely. But it’s here now, and it’s as disgusting as ever. Here we go.

A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton looks like dried blood boogers wrapped in nilla wafers - first draft Fig Newton slogan
@sajpo

If you’re able to stop the phrase “Dried blood boogers” from entering your mind every time you see a Newton from here on out, you’re a stronger person than I.

My nose is bleeding into my stomach so I guess I don't need to go grocery shopping today after all.
@bailey

Continuing on the theme of blood as “food”, I guess?

Depressed Abilify Lady / Mucinex \
@Cabel

Yeah, you’re thinking of the right ones:

Depressed Abilify Lady plus Mr. Mucus

The Depressed Abilify Lady’s hesitation is obvious, as well it might be. Mr. Mucus is, after all, a married…umm……phlegm?

Married Mr. Mucus

I just invented a diet plan where you sneeze on your food. The trick is doing it in front of people because eating your own snot is “wrong”.
@lonelysandwich

It’s the quotes around “wrong” that really make this so awful.

If I ever come into a large sum of money, I'll hose it off and spend it anyway.
@hotdogsladies

Ah, geez, that’s the worst thing since Ass Pennies.

Never ask for a happy ending at the end of an acupuncture session.
@scottsimpson

Oh. Oh god. Oh god. That is the least “happy ending” to Barvd ever. But with that You Look Nice Today trifecta, we’re out. Until next time.

Submit Your Own
There’s a lot of vileness to be found out there in the wild, disgusting blue yonder. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.

Barvd: February 13th, 2012 Edition

Monday, February 13th, 2012

Welcome to the first edition of Barvd (What’s Barvd?) for 2012. This is a special Valentine’s Day edition1, and just like that saccharine holiday, it makes me want to throw up. Join the fun!

I prefer creamy, but chunky isn't so bad on occasion. Hey, enough about me coughing up mucus, which kind do you hey where are you going
@seanhussey

Sean’s admitted that sometimes he writes them just for Barvd. Even knowing that, I’m still horrified, and not just by his shameless pandering.

I just sneezed and now I'm craving tapioca pudding.
@justin

Oh…oh god. I…I don’t even know what to do with this one, you guys. Let’s just move on.

if you haven't vacuumed in a while and you drop a piece of food on the floor, don't just eat the first thing you pick up.
@phillygirl

Well now that’s just sound advice.

'You girls get that weird pubic hair from your father.' This is why we drink at Christmas.
@AmyJane

What I want to know is how this conversation start-actually, you know what? I don’t. I don’t wanna know.

You probably don’t think our last tweet could top this for sheer awfulness though, right?

The look in my dog's eyes tells me he loves me. The smell from his mouth tells me he's been rim jobbing a homeless person.
@samhey

How woefully wrong you were. Enjoy the mental image, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Submit Your Own
The world’s an awful place, and I can’t navigate it all on my own. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.


Footnotes:

  1. Inasmuch as it’s being published right near Valentine’s Day. ↩︎

Barvd: October 14th, 2011 Edition

Friday, October 14th, 2011

Seasons change, but the barving remains. It’s time for more from your favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Let’s get right to it.

Somebody just spammed by blog post remembering my dead father with artificial condolences linking to low-back pain bullshit. So low.
@danielpunkass

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by SEO-induced vomit. And yet here I am, vomit streaming down my legs, shocked at the depths to which people will sink.

I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle.
@badbanana

It’s not the candle poop that’s so nauseating, it’s the candy corn. The vile, vile candy corn.

@PBones I've always said movie theater seats should come with built-in catheters.
@georgedick

Your humble author actually found this tweet nominated for Barvd, but the reply seen above was definitely worse. As if movie theaters aren’t disgusting enough?

Nancy Reagan: still hot.
@gruber

She’s 90, and that’s disturbing. Not as disturbing as our finale though.

An intriguing recipe I saw used "blowfish milt". Hm, what's "milt", I wondered. And then I found out. And then I was no longer intrigued.
@mrgan

Look, I’m just going to tell you. It’s fish semen, you guys. Fish semen.

Submit Your Own
I need to go sit down for awhile and contemplate the fact that someone decided fish semen was edible. If you’ve spotted a terrible tweet, submit a link.

Barvd: July 26th, 2011 Edition

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

It’s summertime, and the barvin’s easy. Another season has come, which means it’s once again time to check in with America’s favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Today’s theme is your disgusting genitals. To go along with this theme, Barvd is now featuring bigger, more in-your-face tweet images.

Free idea: genitalsthatlooklikecarrottop.com
@Mike_FTW

Hey sickos, you’re in luck – the domain is currently still available!

Either my gym shorts are too short or my pubes are too long.
@Clarko

When Chris Clark is at the gym, “Hey, can you spot me?” takes on a sickening new meaning.

So, my doctor had to postpone my pap smear bc she broke her elbow. I wasn't thinking she'd use her ELBOW, but um, ok. (gulp.)
@mrsmoltz

If you’re a grammarian, you might find the shorthand here nauseous. Since @mrsmoltz is a former reporter, however, she gets a pass. The idea of a doctor being in up to her elbow, however, does not.

If you're not the front of the human centipede, the scenery never changes.
@gordonshumway

If you don’t know what a human centipede is, consider yourself lucky. If you do, well, you’re probably thinking that that’s not really genital-related. It’s close enough.

My friend said "I have sweat in all of my vag folds"... Ahhhh, and suddenly my problems don't seem so bad.
@CozyMolar

One Foot Tsunami already gets a lot of no-doubt-disappointed traffic for sweaty models. I guess now we’re going to get traffic for “sweaty vaginas” too, so thanks for that, @CozyMolar.

Submit Your Own
If you’ve been reduced to ralphing by a tweet, why not submit a link? But please, brush your teeth first – your breath is disgusting.