Previous “Emoji” posts

They Finally Made a Real Barvd Emoji 

Monday, March 20th, 2017

Relatively recently, emoji were updated to include modifiers. This functionality enables multiple emoji to be joined into one, thus making it easier to have multiple genders and skin tones for people. Now, XKCD suggests a new modifier.

Emoji Logos

Wednesday, February 1st, 2017

The new Logoji Instagram account is great. It takes real logos and reworks them to replace elements with standard emoji (using Apple’s emoji art, specifically).

I’ve made side-by-side comparisons of some of my favorites, to really highlight how well done this is.


Malibu Rum


The PGA Tour


Santander Bank

Frankly, I think you could swap that Santander logo in everywhere, and no one would notice.

Ancient Emoji 

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

New York’s Museum of Modern Art has just “added” the original emoji, created for Japanese mobile provider NTT DoCoMo in 1999, to their permanent collection. The New York Times has an excellent look at this bizarre artifact of a nearly pre-historic era.

Ancient Emoji

Barvd: 2015 in Review

Monday, February 29th, 2016

Despite attempts by domain sellers, you won’t find a collection of disgusting social media posts on baronvd.com. No, it’s only on barvd.com that you can get this kind of delightful content, and here you are, just in time for another year of Barvd. Let’s look at what was dreadful in 2015!

January

We start the year off with something of a mess. The winner (and sole nominee) for this month is a tweet which has been deleted. Fortunately, much like the Library of Congress, the fine folks over at Favstar handle the archiving of tweets.

You ever wonder if the air in those bubbles came from some factory where the wife of the boss hates vaccines so everybody has mumps?
@doomnibbler__

As Brooklyn Nine-nine recently showed, mumps are both hilarious and disgusting.

February

Honestly, this one’s sort of a cheat, because it’s really just a tweet about a disgusting news story. On the other hand, it’s so foul that it’s easy to bend the rules so as to include it.

Woman makes yogurt using ingredients that may cause you to lose your lunch
@HuffPostWeird

I have some questions about the structure of this headline. Should we not make yogurt with this grad student’s vagina, or with any vaginas? It’s unclear.

March

This next tweet actually seems relatively innocuous.

Man, you post a video of 10,000 swarming ants on your Instagram and everyone freaks out.
@Moltz

Sure, the idea of thousands of swarming ants is a bit unsettling, but withou—OH SWEET UNHOLY HELL


Run! Run to April! It can’t possibly be as bad as this!

April

You might be surprised how much time a Barvd post requires. I’ve had this picture up in my browser for quite some time:

Hot dog/spaghetti jellyfish for Olive's lunch. Fun and little gross.
@antichrista

It didn’t start out so disgusting, but like mold, the foulness has grown over time. I’m sick of looking at this horrible creation, but now it’s your turn.

May

The crassness of this tweet is rather off-putting:

Congrats to American Pharaoh your cum is worth so much money now
@AlisonAgosti

But what’s much more off-putting is that Alison is entirely correct.

June

You know how to make a pretty lousy Smashing Pumpkins hit from the ’90s even worse?

*billy corgan voice* the world is a webinar
@mallelis

Good luck not hearing that line sung in Billy Corgan’s nasal whine.

July

July is the time to celebrate America’s independence, so let’s look at an incredible American creation:

i found this old recipe photo and now i cannot stop screaming.
@Becca_DP

I was already gagging at the thought of a hamnana. There was no need to top it off with Hollandaise.

August

The following was tweeted during an early Republican debate, and it’s especially gross when you remember who was on stage.

true story: they have to burn those podiums afterwards because the candidates orgasm every time they say 'Benghazi' #GOPDebate
@katefeetie

Even more sickening is the fact that this was just the beginning of many months of horrible Republican debates. Don’t worry though, just eight more months until the election.

September

This fantasy in three parts amuses, before it horrifies with the unpleasant yoga pants visual.

Sorry I'm late! Let's get on with the show! Can anywhere guess where my dove is?
*silence; child slowly raises hand*
@rynbtmn, in a three tweet set

That poor imaginary child. That poor real us.

October

In recent years, traditional sexy/slutty Halloween costumes have really gotten played out. Thankfully, there are always innovators coming up with bold new ideas.

Halloween costume ideas:
-Sexy Iran Deal
-Sexy Water On Mars 
-Sexy Kim Davis
@MariyaAlexander

If you don’t remember Kim Davis, good for you. She’s too unappealing on both the outside and the inside to be pictured, even on the pages of Barvd, so you’ll have to do your own image search. If you do remember the dishonorable Ms. Davis, you know just how repugnant this idea is.

November

Let’s take a drive through almost 400 years of history. Halfway through we take a sharp left turn, so hang on tight.

1620—Francis Bacon describes the scientific method

2015—I experimentally confirm that I can use mouthwash and blow my nose at the same time
@mrgan

Aw, come on, man. Neven. No.

December

In December, I wrote about “bully sticks”. The truth behind them is unappetizing to say the least. The response I got from one reader, however, was beyond the pail.1

a friend tried to save money by cutting bully sticks into smaller portions. The smell from the bandsaw can only be described as 🙊
@MrDABailey

➕1️⃣ to Mr. Bailey for his correct use of the Barvd emoji, but ➖💯 for providing us all with the idea of hot, smoking bully stick.

We’re Done Here

That’s it for the year 2015. Thank goodness this is a leap year, as it enabled me to get our 2015 review in before March 1st. Fear not though, because the collecting of awfulness for 2016 has already begun. As always, if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


Footnotes:

  1. No, that’s not a typo. “Beyond the pail”, as in, it made me puke so hard I overshot the bucket for which I was aiming. ↩︎

An Anticlimactic Conclusion

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2016

Well, this will be anticlimactic for most, but the mailbox poopers have been revealed to be my good friends James and Jill. They sent me an email with the following:

  • We hope you enjoyed the lovely present we sent you. We saw it and thought of you. The checkout process had no way to include a note.

So the real culprit here is a terrible checkout process. I hope we’ve all learned something. Namely, that it’s possible to send a stuffed pile of poo emoji through the mail, to anyone you love (or hate). Well, if this site’s faithful readers hadn’t managed to buy up so many that they’d sold out, anyway.

Sold Out
Y’all have a lot of disposable income.

Who Pooped My Mailbox?

Friday, February 19th, 2016

Back in November, I purchased a stuffed emoji pile of poo pillow.

November Pile of Poo Pic
Smiling Brown Triangle

How do I know it was November? Well, because said pillow was actually a work expense for my lady Maggie, at her completely professional and totally mature job. I used Square Cash (Square Cash!) to get paid back, complete with a dated explanation in an appropriately cartoony bubble.

Square Negotiations
Really rather expensive for a poop pillow

Anyhow, flash forward to yesterday, when a mysterious package arrived in my mailbox from So Unique Gifts.

February Pile of Poo Pic
It looks angry.

Now I appreciate the opportunity to earn some Instagram likes as much as the next guy, but thus far, I’ve gotten no answers. Multiple people have expressed that they wished they’d been the ones to send me this, but none have actually claimed responsibility. So, who did it? Reveal yourself, shitposter!


Update (February 22nd, 2016): Tune in to this mystery’s not-very-exciting conclusion!

Too Big to Emoji

Tuesday, November 10th, 2015

Anyone who reads this site knows I love emoji. A mountain of evidence makes it clear that I’m a big fan. Still, when I get an email like this:

  • ❄ ☃ Excited about the Holidays? ☃ ❄

I tend to think, maybe the financial institution which holds my mortgage should be just a bit more professional.

Apple’s Upped Their Emoji Game 

Thursday, October 22nd, 2015

Now, up yours.

If you’ve joined us in the future, please enjoy: 🖕. It’s been a long 16 month wait, but finally we can flip the emoji bird to our heart’s content.

(With apologies to Pat Paulsen.)

An Emoji Primer 

Monday, September 14th, 2015

Over at Gizmodo, Alissa Walker has a great overview of many aspects of emoji, including the origins of emoji, how new emoji are added, and why symbols for food allergens aren’t included.

Finally

Thursday, September 10th, 2015

It appears that when Apple ships iOS 9.1, iPhone users will have access to a key symbol of human communication. In a beta posted yesterday, Apple greatly expanded the number of supported emoji, including multiple new hand gestures. Of course, there’s one gesture that all have been waiting for, and it looks like we’ll be getting it at long last.

Apple's Middle Finger Emoji
Finally, it will be possible to flip someone off via emoji.

This new middle finger emoji was approved almost 15 months ago, as part of Unicode 7. However, Apple was slow to add it to their devices. After many impatient months, I went so far as to file a bug report with Apple on the matter. A few weeks later, however, that bug report was closed with a disappointed statement of “no plans to address this”. Worse, it soon became clear that Microsoft was taking the lead when it came to expressing one’s self via emoji. When this summer’s iOS 9 betas failed to include this important new glyph, I stewed for hours on end.

Today, however, I can breathe a sigh of relief.1 The bird is coming to our emoji. What a time to be alive! Have a look at a full gallery of the new emoji coming in iOS 9.1, which also include a taco, a burrito, an adorable little chipmunk, and much more. Then, sit through a few more weeks of anticipation until we finally get what we deserve!


Footnotes:

  1. As well as rejoice in the fact that I actually got a Radar (bug report) fixed, something fellow developers will know is all too rare. ↩︎