I’ve ripped on Potbelly’s before, but I still enjoy both good sandwiches and a good deal. As such, I remain on their mailing list, and so it was that I received this absurd mailing yesterday:

A free cookie for military veterans seems like an alright promotion, and that’s a nice big cookie too. But they really spoiled the whole thing with that subject line:

• Vets, we can’t repay you, but how about a free cookie?

“We know you sacrificed years of your life for the good of the country, and that you may be suffering from wounds both visible and invisible. Hey, have a cookie, on us!”

It’s as if they realized they needed to acknowledge how utterly insufficient this gesture is, but only wound up making the whole thing worse. Maybe next time, just skip it entirely.

Whenever national politics in America hit a new low, my inbox gets extra depressing. This one really got me though:

Great. Now I’m despondent about both the state of affairs in America, and our inability to properly count sentences.

I didn’t go to dental school, but I’m pretty sure drinking soda is not a recommended method of whitening your teeth.

Still, if it can get rust off metal, maybe Coke really can brighten your smile as well.

Yesterday, I received this email:

For my foreign readers, America marked Memorial Day on Monday, just a day before this spam was sent. It is now just about the longest possible time until Memorial Day! Does this snake oil take an entire year to work? Or will it work in mere days, to satisfy the promise of “By June”?

This is just shoddy. Have some pride in your work, spammers.

Recently, I received a message from Credit Karma. Credit Karma is a useful service for watching over your credit and finances, but this email was really something.

• Hey Paul,
  
  Guess what!

Oh boy, Credit Karma! What?!

• We’ve expanded coverage for our free identity monitoring service.

Oh. I see.

• Not only can we spot your info in another company’s public data breach, but we can also pinpoint specific passwords that were compromised.

I fear I know where you’re going with this.

• Based on findings that go back as far as 2007, we’ve found your info in an additional 3 breaches and identified 1 password that should be changed.

This is decidedly less fun than your opening indicated.

• Sign in to review your report!

Well, I was annoyed to learn about these latest data breaches, but that final exclamation point has really lightened the mood. Let’s do this!

Logging in…

Hey, look at that, everyone! I just earned my 10 Breach badge. Gosh, this is exciting. It’s really a lot of fun how they’ve gamified my possible identity theft.

But please, please; don’t be jealous. Given the seriousness with which most sites treat the security of our data, I’m sure you’ll be a part of double-digit breaches soon enough.

Requests for me to spend my time filling out surveys, leaving reviews, and giving feedback come more and more frequently of late. This, however, is a new low. It wasn’t even the first nudge I’d received to leave a review for some damned gelato I bought in New York City, but the subject was certainly the most presumptuous.

I don’t know why the American Airlines AAdvantage Dining Program only allows reviews within 30 days, but at least it means they’ll stop bugging me now.

My company re-did our brand identity recently. But if any of you are looking for a new logo, I’ll be happy to forward this spam on.

I recently received the following email in my inbox.

Obvious, CNET is looking to boost their traffic numbers. Begging me to come back via email is fairly pitiful, but it’s the subject line that really gets me.

Subject: We miss you please come back

The lack of any punctuation really just makes it more pathetic. I almost felt bad about immediately clicking the unsubscribe link at the bottom of the email. Almost.