Previous “Money Quotes” posts

Money Quotes: August 10th, 2016 Edition

Wednesday, August 10th, 2016

It’s time once again for Money Quotes, the best in ridiculous quotes from the news. While it’s been quite awhile since our last edition, the collection process has been ongoing, and the archives overflow with goodness. Please enjoy!

Recently at New York’s botanical garden, the so-called corpse flower bloomed. When the flower blooms, it attract pollinators which ordinarily feed on dead animals by emitting its own foul odor.

Kathryn, an 11-year-old plant enthusiast, said it smelled like her cat’s litter box but sharper. Her six-year-old brother, Toby, said it smelled worse than “one thousand pukes”

Ah, from the mouths of babes. “Worse than one thousand pukes” is really a hell of a great line.

Meanwhile, though this particular story is a few years old, out-of-touch politicians remain a constant. While trying to explain how inflation is calculated, and why food prices were rising faster than inflation, president of the New York Federal Reserve Bank William Dudley told a crowd “Today you can buy an iPad 2 that costs the same as an iPad 1 that is twice as powerful”. A man in the crowd was heard to retort:

“I can’t eat an iPad!”

Indeed you cannot, good sir. Indeed you cannot.

Speaking of eating (and over-eating), let’s turn to the NFL. After a successful season, running back Arian Foster gave each of his offensive lineman a gift: their own Segway.

The linemen screamed with delight when they discovered their new toys, and learned how to ride them with help from Foster, who has had one for a while.

The average NFL lineman weighs over 300 pounds, and is well over 6 feet tall. I just don’t think they “scream with delight”. But if they really did, well, that is just adorable.

Next, we go to space, which can often be very exciting. In this case, however, it’s dull. Very, very dull.

Asteroid 2005 YU55, a giant rock floating through space, looks like a giant rock floating through space, reports one astronomer, who observed the giant rock as it floated through space past the Earth on Tuesday.

It’s like the reporter was both bored and had a minimum word count to hit.

Finally, in stupid criminals, a man and woman were arrested after being caught engaged in sexual activity. Police believed this to be a case of prostitution (or as they called it, “engaging in sexual services for a fee”). However, the woman in question had a different spin on it.

The female told officers that they were not engaged in a sex for fee arrangement but instead that the male suspect was her boyfriend whom she had been dating for about seven or eight minutes.

The inexactness is what really makes this one. “Seven or eight minutes”! It’s glorious.

Money Quotes: May 15th, 2013 Edition

Wednesday, May 15th, 2013

It’s been awhile, but it’s now once again time for Money Quotes from the news. Let’s watch!

In a story similar to one seen in the very first Money Quotes post, a cockpit distraction has again caused problems. OFT reader Ajay M. wrote in with the story of a possibly-pilotless Air India flight. Initial reports indicated that both the pilot and co-pilot had left their posts, but India’s Directorate General of Civil Aviation is claiming that the pilots and two flight attendants were instead locked in the cockpit for an extended period.

“What happened inside is best left to your imagination. We’re conducting an inquiry,” a source said.

I dunno — my imagination can get pret-ty sexy.

Next up is the story of Hugh Jackman’s crazy-ass stalker Katherine Thurston, who apparently came after him with an electric razor. Why?

“I hated him having those whiskers,” Thurston told police.

Apparently Thurston also spoke to Jackman’s wife at some point, telling her “I’m going to marry your husband”. Wow.

Meanwhile, a man named Justin Green recently attempted to surf a subway train. That’s certainly stupid, but it gets worse.

When confronted by an officer, Green said he had a “God-given right to do anything he wants”.

More people should avail themselves of their right to remain silent.

Finally, we have the tale of crazed driver Mercedes Austin, who apparently attempted to run over a girl for quote “shaking her butt”. Austin was so outraged that she drove directly at a police officer and two young women as they crossed the road. In addition to saying that she needed to teach that girl a lesson “because she was shaking her [butt] in the middle of the road”, Austin stated:

“I didn’t know that guy was a cop, I thought he was a security guard.”

Seriously, idiots, the Fifth Amendment is there for you.

Money Quotes: Animal Edition

Thursday, March 24th, 2011

Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s money quotes from the news!

First up, the tale of a dog named Maggie. While out for a walk with her owner, Maggie decided to chase some birds. When she chased them onto some thin ice, the birds flew off. Maggie…did not.

Instead, a team of firedudes used a surfboard to rescue her. About the rueful Maggie, Fire Chief of Operations Jack Gelinas said:

“The dog was wet and cold, but she’ll be around to chase more birds — that’s not so great for the birds, I guess,”

Meanwhile, a goose was not so smart when it came to icy waters, and found himself frozen in a Saugus pond. Animal rescue technicians eventually rescued this bird, and reported on his condition:

“He’s eating, he’s drinking. He’s doing everything he’s supposed to be doing,” said Vogal. “And defecating. Lots and lots of defecating.”

And finally, a caption-based quote. Awhile back, the always-great Big Picture blog featured a terrific collection of animal photos.

Cat and Squirrel

Part of the caption accompanying this amazing photo?

“Cat and squirrel parted without incident”.

Money Quotes: Angels, Devils, and Car Salesmen Edition

Monday, November 15th, 2010

It’s once again time for a look at money quotes from the news!

In Mexico, sales of Ford’s Lobo pick-up truck have recently dipped. The vehicle is popular with hitmen for the various drug cartels, and average citizens fear being mistaken for criminals. Here’s Ford of Mexico’s president Gabriel Lopez, discussing the Lobo:

“It’s a vehicle that is in high demand for committing crimes. There’s plenty of space in the pick-up’s cabin for more weapons.”

Nothing about that statement is untrue. That said, it could perhaps be phrased a bit less like a feature being mentioned to try and sell the car.

Meanwhile in Missouri, Neal Thompson has been dressing up as Jesus and going to a new church each Sunday for the past twenty-two years. A few weeks ago, however, he was not allowed to enter St. Paul’s Lutheran Church in Des Peres. When the cops were called, he left peacefully, with this message:

“Oh I forgive them, I forgive them”.

At least Thompson seems to understand the teachings of the man he seeks to emulate.

Finally, you’ve previously learned about the many ways you may get jury duty. Now, here’s a tip on how to get out of jury duty once summoned. When asked “Has anyone you know ever been convicted of a crime?”, just respond as John Backderf did:

“I had a close friend in high school who killed 17 people”.

I suppose if you want to be truthful, you’d also need to have been friends with someone like Jeffrey Dahmer, as Backderf was. So, start now – chat up the nearest crazy person you can find. At worst, you could earn a get-out-of-jury-duty-free card, good for life. If you’re really lucky, you may just find a friend as well.

Money Quotes: July 14th, 2010 Edition

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

It’s time for another round of money quotes, great quotes from the news!

First up, a photographer at India’s Corbett National Park recently captured pictures of an elephant who had found herself a new pet. Madhuri the elephant caught a monitor lizard and kept it with her for several days, even swinging it in the air.

Some experts even believe the [elephant] even possesses an intuition that allows them to imagine what other elephants are feeling.

How the lizard felt after its ordeal is not known.

In more disgusting news, the New York Times has a story on a woman being cured of a terrible intestinal infection with an unorthodox treatment. The patient’s body was not processing food well, causing severe weight loss due to constant diarrhea. Her doctor reported, in what is perhaps a poor choice of words:

“She was just dwindling down the drain, and she probably would have died.”

In the end, the patient was cured by a simple bacteriotherapy operation. This is, apparently, the process of transplanting fecal matter from one person into another. Specifically, a small sample of her husband’s stool was mixed with a saline solution and delivered into her colon. How…intimate.

Other marriages are a bit rockier, as George Cascone knows. He was a near-victim of assassination by his ex-wife Dorothy. Dorothy was looking to cash in on life insurance policies she held on George, so she hired a hit man to kill him. The problem? She skimped, offering only $2000 for the deed, and the hit man went to the authorities instead. Eventually, the FBI arrested her and told George what was going on. His reply?

“The part that insulted me the most is the fact that she gave the hit man so little money. She should’ve paid him more money than that. She’s so greedy. She wouldn’t even give the guy that did all the work any more money than $2,000.”

If someone had sought to have me killed, I don’t know that I’d be quite as plussed as George clearly was. Even on the wrong end of a murder-for-hire plot, Cascone simply could not be flapped.

Finally, dozens of MPs in Pakistan have been found to have lied about their university degrees. The scandal is shaking the country and causing international embarassment. What did Nawab Muhammad Aslam Raisani, chief minister of the Balochistan Province, have to say about this?

“A degree is a degree, whether it is fake or genuine.”

I only have this fake degree in, uh, Detectivery, but my skills are sharp enough to lead me to believe that Mr. Raisani’s degree is not of the legitimate variety.

Hey, I guess maybe he’s right!

Money Quotes: October 23rd, 2009 Edition

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

It’s time to enjoy money quotes from the news.

First up, Microsoft has opened up their first retail store. They had a big crowd on-hand, but it might have been a bit of a construct, as many visitors were there due to the offering of concert tickets.

“I’m not into computer stuff,” Harrell said, adding that she and her daughter would go to the concert but likely would never return to the Microsoft store.

In local news, a transportation company is attempting to start a Cambridge-to-New York City bus service, and running into problems with obtaining a license to drive in Cambridge.

[Curreri] said that a Harvard Law School student attempted to defend the company’s right to operate in Cambridge, but was unsuccessful.

I don’t know if that says bad things about Harvard Law School, or just Curreri, but it seems to me that perhaps you could do a bit better than a law student. Perhaps, say, a lawyer? But here’s your money quote:

“We are waiting on them to come to the understanding that I’m right so that we don’t have to have a confrontation.”

Right! Good luck with that.

Two days ago, a flight missed its landing by 150 miles. Now first up, 150 miles is the number all articles are quoting, and it sounds like a lot. It’s useful to think about this in terms of airspeed, however. 150 miles is a long way in a car, but in a plane, it’s just a few minutes, maybe up to about 15. The money quote, however, is in the pilots’ explanation for what happened:

Northwest flight overshot the Minneapolis airport after the pilots became engaged in a “heated discussion over airline policy,” they told U.S. safety investigators.

Ah right, a “heated discussion”. You know, when you get really tired, and you lie back, close your eyes, and just drift off to a nice heated discussion? No, they were asleep. They’re gonna be fired. The end.

Finally, in more vapid news, Salman Rushdie apparently dates attractive women (though frankly Pia Glenn’s eyebrow(s) scare the bejesus out of me). His latest, Min Lieskovsky, has previously dated a meatier type of man.

[Rushdie] is definitely not Miss Lieskovsky’s usual type. She has openly boasted about her love for male models. Writing in the magazine ElleGirl last year, the Chinese/Hungarian said: ‘I’m addicted to male models. I’ve dated six of the world’s top models, as ranked by Models.com, the so-called NASDAQ of modelling.’

Hey, wow, that’s really neat for you! You don’t sound conceited at all.