Previous “Features” posts

Bam Adebayo and the Wrong Ben Wallace

Winner gets to keep the nickname “Big Ben”.

Thursday, March 12th, 2026

On Tuesday night, Bam Adebayo dropped 83 points on the hapless Washington Generals Wizards. That’s the second-highest single-game total of all time, behind only Wilt Chamberlain’s legendary 100 point game, and topping Kobe Bryant’s 81 points from 2006.

Bam also topped Kobe in another way. After Wilt put up his 100, he posed with a ridiculously low-rent “sign”:

Wilt Chamberlain holding a piece of paper with “100” written on it.[Wikipedia]

As far as I can find, Kobe Bryant did not recreate this image after his monster game. Bam Adebayo, on the other hand, did:

Bam Adebayo holding a piece of paper with “83” written on it.[Photo via @miamiheat]

I think they used a Sharpie instead of a grease pencil, but it’ll do.

As I read about Tuesday’s game, I saw that Bam scored 36 of his points from the free throw line, on 43 attempts. That’s 83.7%, and I wanted to know how that ranks in the NBA. Against all judgement, but also because the button is right there on my phone, I asked Siri “What’s a good free throw shooting percentage in the NBA?”. Please have a look at the absolutely wretched answer it provided:

Q: “What’s a good free-throw shooting percentage in the NBA” A: Ben Wallace has the worse free-throw shooting percentage in the NBA history, at 41.4%.”.

That is not the answer to the question asked.1 It also contains strange grammar, with the phrase “in the NBA history”. And most amusingly, it features a picture of the wrong Ben Wallace.

This is yet another pathetic showing by Siri, but it did have one upside. It’s led me to a new dream. I don’t know how we make it happen, but I’d love to see these two Bens Wallace go head-to-head in a free throw shooting contest.

Footnotes:

  1. The correct answer is that roughly 80% or higher is good, and 85-90% is elite. Bam’s 83.7% was thus quite respectable, particularly for a center. ↩︎

Drinking Dessert Ranch

Available for a not nearly limited enough time

Tuesday, March 10th, 2026

It’s apparently National Ranch Day, a celebration of one of America’s lesser culinary contributions. Should you find yourself at a Great Wolf Lodge today, you can plunk down just $3.10 to partake of this:

A ranch milkshake. Barvd.
[Photo credit: Great Wolf Lodge]

What you’re looking at is a “milkshake” containing some combination of vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, and ranch dressing. As far as I can determine, news of this abomination was first revealed near the end of a mid-February press release, which described it thusly:

Ranch Milkshake: A sweet-and-tangy vanilla ranch shake topped with fried chicken, carrots and celery, and finished with a sweet-and-salty lime rim and whipped cream.

They just tossed that in a list of four limited-time food and drink offerings alongside a burger and a brownie, as if a ranch milkshake is the most normal thing in the world.

It’s available through April 26 (for a regular price of $7.99). I’ve found that there’s a Great Wolf Lodge about an hour west of Boston, but I do not intend to visit. If you do, please let me know how it is.

Previously in Ridiculous Foods Made Primarily to Go Viral: Everything Is Dumb, So Let’s Get Drunk on Roast Beef Vodka

We Are the One and Only You

We’re here to be me?

Wednesday, February 25th, 2026

Please take 21 seconds to, well, no, not enjoy, but endure, take 21 seconds to endure the following video. It is an ad featuring figure skater Tara Lipinski for a multi-billion-dollar product which will be revealed shortly:

This commercial has haunted me for days. Just like in the movie It Follows, I can only find relief by screwing you to pass along the curse. Sorry! But hey, we’re in this together now.

Below, I have transcribed all 68 words of nonsense that Lipinski utters:

“The one and only you is the human forged by the path that only you are on. Facing the not-knowing, putting one foot in front of the other. She’s not your trophies. Because our trophies sit on the shelf. It’s the bonds we forge with one another that can guide us to what we’re here to do, and to be who we are: the one and only you.”

Do you have any idea what this ad could possibly be pitching? On my first viewing, I surely did not. I was, however, deeply confused by the repeated pronoun switches. I suppose I still am. You. She. Our. We. Us. You. It’s a real mess!

But let us return to the matter of the actual product being shilled here. Below is the full 60-second ad, which will reveal it:

Every time that voiceover kicks in, I crack up. It’s just nonsense…drivel…blather…inject some botulism to fix your ugly face!

The fact that the ad goes for nearly twice as long to list caveats and side effects is darkly comic in its own right, but it’s that first 20 seconds, Lipinski’s speaking role, that’s really etched itself into my brain. I have accidentally memorized this monologue and worry I may never forget it. I find myself mumbling it at odd times. I fear it is driving me mad.

In the past, I would have marveled at the fact that a person wrote this. I would have been shocked that a professional writer felt this was good enough for a national television commercial. In 2026, however, it’s distinctly possible this drivel was generated by A.I. Still, even in that case, some number of people read it, or heard it, or in the case of Lipinski, spoke it aloud. Those real human beings all tacitly signed off on it by their participation. That’s plenty horrifying on its own.

Do You Want Swine Flu?

Because that’s how you get swine flu

Friday, February 13th, 2026

After writing about the Kids Fun Fair Barnyard Petting Zoo earlier this week, multiple readers alerted me to this picture from the event’s website:

A small child licking a pig’s snout

I am mildly amused (and also mildly disgusted) that a small child licked a pig’s snout. I am more amused that someone photographed that small child licking a pig’s snout. I am deeply amused that someone then used that photograph of a small child licking a pig’s snout on KidsFunFair.com, a site ostensibly designed to encourage parents to attend this event.

Anyhow, uh, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Kids Fun Fair Barnyard Petting Zoo

I can’t fathom how I got on this mailing list.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2026

Last February, I received an unexpected and unexplained envelope in the mail:

An envelope reading “Kids Fun Fair Barnyard Petting Zoo

It was addressed to me at my company, and I’ll be honest, I don’t get a lot of work mail. I also don’t get a lot of mail with the words “Kids Fun Fair Barnyard Petting Zoo” on it. In a word, I was intrigued.

When I opened it up, I found no letter of explanation. The only thing the envelope contained was a stack of exactly 30 slips of paper, each of which proclaimed “Free Ticket (Value $8)”. Their design was something of unholy mess:

A ticket with a whole lot of text on it

This is quite overwhelming, but I made note of a wide variety of things.

  • Though the top says “Free Ticket”, it requires the purchase of a paid adult entry. That makes this more of a coupon, as it is not enough for entry on its own.

  • It’s not clear just how much a standard adult ticket costs, but the first 100 adults (each day?) pay just $9.99. That means if you get there early enough, you and two kids can get full access to this fun fair for just ten bucks. You should probably line up the night before.

  • “Come Hungry!” is an absolutely amazing instruction. They are surely not providing free food, so you should also make sure your wallet comes full, and be prepared for it to leave empty.

  • Despite the envelope’s Connecticut return address, the event lists “Wilmington” and the Aleppo Shriner’s Aud. That’s actually in Massachusetts, about half an hour north of Boston.

  • The event is listed as “Feb 15 & 16 & 17”, but “Rain or Shine Two Days Only”. Whoops. Also, in February in Massachusetts, snow is much more likely than rain.

  • On the first day, the fair runs from 10 AM to 7 PM. The second and third days, it goes from 10 AM to 6 PM. Whenever I see hours like this, I can’t help but feel it would be preferable to just have symmetry in the hours for all the days. At the very least, it’d save some ink.

  • Finally, there’s a domain listed, kidsfunfair.com. That site could charitably be called “serviceable”.

I ultimately chucked the whole thing in the recycling bin and moved on with my life. That is until I received an identical envelope this year. Inside it, I once again found exactly 30 slips of paper, provided without explanation:

2026 tickets
Hey, they fixed that “two days only” error. Good for them.

As these envelopes have included the name of my business, I imagine the hope is that I’ll distribute them to my customers. If so, it would be good to include a letter with an explicit request. It would also be good to know that my company is entirely virtual, with no customers coming to my home office. Oh, and it’s an audio software company that has no relation whatsoever to children, that’s worthwhile information too.

Still, maybe this bizarre marketing is working, because I’m almost tempted to go myself.1 Even if I do, though, my lack of children means I can’t take advantage of this offer. Perhaps you’d like to? If you want free entry for your two children to this weekend’s Kids Fun Fair Barnyard Petting Zoo, just let me know.3 Inexplicably, I’ve got 30 vouchers to get you just that.

Footnotes:

  1. It’s unlikely I actually will attend, but at least I found a 20+ minute video offering a great view of last year’s event.2 Check out that surely unlicensed SpongeBob SquarePants fun house! ↩︎

  2. I’ve archived a very tiny (240p) version of this video here. ↩︎

  3. The paper says “children up to 13”, the website says “children 12 and under”, and I say if you’ve got a 13-year-old interested to do this, you should just lie and claim they’re 12. ↩︎

Accidental Whimsy

It sounds so fun!

Thursday, February 5th, 2026

While traveling recently, a set of climate control instructions caught my eye.

These directions are delightful, like something out of a video game. A tiny door! Hidden buttons! Who knew adjusting the thermostat could be so fun?


The buttons are revealed!

Our Weirdest Holiday

“Groundhog Day”, the movie, isn’t available to stream so I instead wrote this post about “Groundhog Day”, the asinine holiday I apparently wasn’t through disparaging.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2026

When it comes to Groundhog Day, yesterday’s XKCD nailed it.1 It really is a bizarre holiday, and it’s one I have previously derided:

The problem, as I see it, is that there’s simply nothing there. They pull out poor Punxsutawney Phil, and then…a person announces whether the rodent saw his shadow or not. The groundhog doesn’t actually react in any visible way. The whole thing isn’t even as goofy as “Is the groundhog awake or not?”. No, the weather-predicting woodchuck is utterly unnecessary to the proceedings. They could just flip a coin. Or skip the whole thing entirely.

That post goes on to detail how back in the 19th century, they killed and ate Punxsutawney Phil following his prediction. Even three years after learning that horrid bit of trivia, I’m still taken aback by it. And those Phils were not the only unfortunate prognosticators.

Yesterday, I learned about Nantucket’s decades-old tradition of Quentin the quahog. Quentin is a random clam that gets cracked open to make a weather prediction.2 The forecast is determined by which side of the shell the water spurts out from, which is quite stupid, yet still better than Punxsutawney Phil “seeing” his shadow (or not). Once cracked, however, the clam may as well be eaten, and so it is. I think.

Nantucket’s Quentin the Quahog squirted to the right Monday morning, predicting an early spring is on the way[.]

…

Quentin was opened this morning at the town’s Brant Point Shellfish Hatchery by assistant biologist Griffin Harkins. He then paid the ultimate sacrifice and was consumed.

The writing is decidedly unclear, but I believe that Quentin was the one consumed, rather than assistant biologist Harkins. It would probably be bigger news if they ate a scientist.

Speaking of comics about Groundhog Day, Snoopy gave us a far better idea for a holiday way back in 1981.3 Perhaps next year, we can celebrate that instead.

Footnotes:

  1. The XKCD strip in question is archived here. ↩︎

  2. “We kind of try to choose one that looks like it’s going to be able to predict the future” said Nantucket biologist Joseph Minella. ↩︎

  3. The Peanuts strip in question is archived here. ↩︎

Get Out

The succinct sign language interpretation of “Get the fuck out” is perfect.

Thursday, January 8th, 2026

Thirteen years ago, in response to the terrorist attack on the Boston Marathon, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz dropped an incredibly necessary F-bomb on live television.

Yesterday, in response to the despicable killing of Renee Good by a masked ICE agent, Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey used an even more justified profanity. His statement is angry, it is powerful, and it is worth watching.1 I’ll quote part of it here:

They are already trying to spin this as an action of self-defense. Having seen the video myself, I want to tell everybody directly, that is bullshit. This was an agent recklessly using power that resulted in somebody dying, getting killed.

…

I do have a message for our community, for our city, and I have a message for ICE. To ICE: Get the fuck out of Minneapolis.

We do not want you here. Your stated reason for being in this city is to create some kind of safety, and you are doing exactly the opposite. People are being hurt. Families are being ripped apart. Long-term Minneapolis residents that have contributed so greatly to our city, to our culture, to our economy are being terrorized, and now, somebody is dead. That’s on you.

Let’s go one further. ICE should get the fuck out of existence.

Footnotes:

  1. The full video is archived here. ↩︎

Way to Go, Apple Maps

Fun with maps!

Monday, January 5th, 2026

Last week, I received a notification from Apple that my map edit had been approved. I don’t send in many corrections to Apple, so I was pretty sure this meant Maranville Street could now be found on Apple Maps. I eagerly opened up the app to see.

Apple Maps, showing Maranville Street, in Boston

There it is! A search for “Maranville Street, Boston, MA” no longer stupidly sends me to North Carolina. Instead, the map zooms in to Chestnut Hill, where the road is correctly labeled. Maranville Street is real, according to Apple Maps, and that’s delightful.

Alas, since my previous post, Google Maps has removed Maranville Street. The bus stops remain, though, which means a search still takes you to the correct location and shows this incongruous result:

A Google Maps view, showing on the Maranville bus stops

Naturally, I’m working to correct the issue:

An attempted correction of Google Maps

Fingers crossed!

It’ll Still Be Two Days ’Til I Say I’m Sorry

Actually, I’m not going to apologize at all. This dumb joke makes me laugh and laugh.

Thursday, January 1st, 2026

Last month, I found myself making a purchase from Groupon. I know, I was as surprised as anyone that the company even still existed. Seeking out a discounted version of Microsoft Office led me to that relic of the past, where a possibly trustworthy third-party named “2Go Software” was selling seemingly legitimate software licenses for Office. I successfully purchased, got the software set up, and went on my way.

Seven days later, 2Go sent me what is without a doubt the worst Barenaked Ladies cover I have ever received via email:

A message reading “Hi Paul K, It's been one week since you received your Microsoft Office 2024 Home & Business (Mac) license. We wanted to check in and make sure you've been able to install and activate your software successfully.”

I encourage you to attempt singing this yourself.

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