Previous “Features” posts

Hummingbird Moths

I’m sorry.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2026

Last week, I learned of the existence of the hummingbird clearwing moth. I don’t care for it! I mean, just look at it:

A moth that looks a lot like a hummingbird[Photo credit: Larry Dallaire]

This large moth might be mistaken for a hummingbird because it hovers and beats its wings rapidly while unfurling its long tongue (proboscis) to sip nectar…They can fly sideways and backwards, accelerate quickly, and these moths beat their wings about 60 to 70 times per second (!) when hovering — fast enough to produce a buzzing or humming sound that is within the range of human hearing.

I’ve been thinking about this thing a lot, because it’s gross.1 Honestly, hummingbirds might be gross too if I consider them too much, but they get a pass because they’re birds, and birds are cool. A moth is just a gross flying bug. It may be a pollinator, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Anyhow, the best way I know to get this thing out of my mind is by sharing the awfulness with all of you. As always, thanks for reading One Foot Tsunami!

Footnotes:

  1. Here’s an extremely relevant video clip.2 ↩︎

  2. “Gross” doesn’t even begin to describe Danny Masterson, the actor who portrayed Stephen Hyde on “That ’70s Show”, nor the reprehensible actions of the Church of Scientology. Masterson is now serving 30 years to life after being found guilty of two counts of forcible rape. The Church of Scientology worked to cover up his crimes.↩︎

Oh, Massachusetts, No

2:50 AM on a Sunday is also a particularly scammy time for this to be sent.

Tuesday, August 18th, 2026

This past Sunday, I received an email from “Do Not Reply” with the subject line “Vehicle Registration Renewal Reminder”. Here’s what it looked like:

This is a very, very bad email, beginning with the awful A.I. slop image at the top. Here’s a larger look at just that:

An A.I. generated image of a colonial man on horseback, on cobblestones, carrying a banner reading “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Registration is Expiring!

Lest you have any doubts whatsoever as to the origin of this image, note that they didn’t even crop out the Gemini logo from the bottom right. While I’ve compressed the image above, was a needlessly large 760 KB png file. Awful.

When I saw this email, I was quite certain it was a phishing scam. I assumed that the link inside would take me to a scammy replica of a government website, one that would steal credit card numbers. But no! As far as I can determine, this is a legitimate email from the RMV.1 The lone link in it does indeed go to http://mass.gov/rmv, which forwards on to the official RMV site.2 And indeed, my car registration is expiring in a couple of months.

In the past, I have always received an official form in the mail which can be used to renew my registration. For many years, that letter has simply prompted me to go online to renew. Given that, a switch to email notifications make sense. They sure ought to look a lot more official than this, however.

Footnotes:

  1. What’s most often known as the “Department of Motor Vehicles” (DMV) is indeed called the “Registry of Motor Vehicles” (RMV) in Massachusetts. Why? Just to be difficult, I assume. But we’re far from the only ones. ↩︎

  2. I’m not sure why the original link is http:// rather than https://, but the forward does lead to a secure page. ↩︎

Three Stellar Race Photos

Ah well. The price was right.

Wednesday, August 12th, 2026

After running a 5K last week, I was pleased to receive an email letting me know I had complimentary race photos available. It read as follows:

You crushed it at the Shoreline 5K! Your complimentary photos from MarathonFoto are ready to download and share.

It was 85° and sunny at race time, and while I was happy to land in the top 100 out of 1500+ finishers, I most certainly did not “crush it”. I was more than two minutes slower than my personal best, and in such a short race, that’s a lot. Nevertheless, I’ll happily snag a few photos from the race. Free is a much better deal than usual.

When I clicked the email link to grab my pictures, I was taken to a gallery of 11 images. Did MarathonFoto provide a way to download all my photos at once? Don’t be ridiculous. Technology hasn’t advanced to the level where that sort of convenience would be possible. Maybe someday.

For now, I was able to click the “Free Download” button on each photo, which turned into “Download Now” on hover. Rather than actually downloading the image, that took me to a second page featuring just the photo in question. There, I could click a “Download” button which finally did download the photo. After that, I could click “Back to Gallery” to repeat the tedious process ten more times.

Anyhow, let’s have a look at what the course photographers captured. Here’s a pretty nice shot of, apparently, stranger-to-the-site Ramgopal V. :

A picture of a stranger, and also, I’m in there.

It is not so hot of a photo of me, though. I’m the out of focus guy in the blue hat, someone you’d retouch right out of there if you were Ramgopal:

A picture of a stranger, now retouched so he runs alone

There we go. Now it’s a great shot of this man who is unknown to me. I hope he finds it and enjoys it.

What else have we got? Well, here I am, once again on the left and out of focus:

A photo of several runners, including your humble author

Folks, level with me. Am I just naturally blurry, like Bigfoot?

The lousy photos above do demonstrate something notable. While race photos formerly keyed solely off OCR with a runner’s bib number, that’s changed. I recall being confused the first time one of these systems presented me with a photo where my face was visible, but my bib was not. I quickly surmised, however, that they were employing facial recognition. The future can be a real creep show.

Facial recognition wasn’t needed for our final photo though, nor even any use. Please enjoy this winner:

A picture of your humble author, whose face is entirely covered by a blurry elbow in the foreground

I think I’ll print that out and get it framed.

Perhaps We Should Just Shut It All Down

It is correct and right to kink-shame this.

Tuesday, July 28th, 2026

Last week, Wired published an article with the headline “People Are Getting Off to Porn About ICE Raids”. I have not read this article. I do not intend to read this article. I’m not even going to include a link to this article. You can find it if you really want to, though I suggest you do not.

I have skimmed the article just enough to determine that the headline is a valid summary of its content, and of reality. And I suppose once I got over the shock of the headline, my next thought was “Of course they are”. But the very idea is so depraved it never would’ve entered my mind.

Last year, writing about people posing for pictures outside Florida’s horrifying Alligator Alcatraz, I said:

These images haunt me. The people in them are despicable. They are sick. They would pose with lynching victims, if only they could get the chance.

I am similarly haunted by the idea of someone being aroused by pornography themed around ICE’s dehumanizing raids. I remain ashamed to share a country with people capable of reveling in the misery of others. We can be better than this. We must be.

An Assortment of Bad Emails

The lawyers in particular have been busy.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2026

I’ve recently received a higher than average number of dumb emails. Let’s talk about a few of them.

Subject Lines From Dumb Emails I’ve Recently Received

  • ***Attention requested, Paul: You’re getting the latest about these scams
    Oh boy, hot scam news! And yes, those asterisks were in the subject line.

  • Spring fun begins now, %%Informal Greeting%!
    Presumably, the mailing software for this message would’ve replaced the variable %%Informal Greeting%% with, I don’t know, “friend”, or “amigo”, or “buckaroo”. But whoops, they left off a % and the whole thing broke.

  • We’ve Updated Our Terms of Use
    I’m sure the lawyers think they’re best served by letting everyone know about fine print updates, but Shake Shack, I really, really do not care about your terms of use. I buy a better-than-you’d-expect Veggie Shack from you perhaps twice a year, and that’s the entirety of our relationship.

  • We’ve Updated Our Terms of Use
    Bonus, Shack Shake sent me the exact same message ten days later. I’m not sure if they felt it important to remind me about the change, or if they actually updated their terms of use twice in quick succession. You know, because I didn’t actually read the terms for buying a veggie burger.

  • Learn more about our updated Terms of Service
    I don’t want to, Google. I’m also not going to read about “Updates to Google Play Terms of Service” that you emailed about three days later.

  • Your credit score has changed-here’s how
    When I opened this email, I learned that my credit score had dipped by exactly one point. Capital One even included a graphic:

    They did not, however, include my actual score within the email. That might have been mildly helpful, though I’m confident that a change of one point is very much just noise.

  • Paul, you’re no longer enrolled in CreditWise from Capital One
    After receiving the previous email, I sought a way to turn off these pointless notifications. Capital One said “If you no longer want to receive these emails, unfortunately you’ll have to unenroll from CreditWise.” OK then.

You might think this points to a method of getting fewer dumb emails, by having fewer accounts overall. Alas, even that strategy seems imperfect. Back in February, I cancelled my Alliant credit card and closed my account entirely. Nevertheless, as I was writing this post, I received an email from them. The subject line? “Your July Alliant credit card statement is now available online”

CTC Iced Coffee

Sure, it used to be a multiplication sign, but now that tiny × shall be known as the “collab x”.

Thursday, July 9th, 2026

Today, please enjoy some litter I picked up while out on a run.

A can of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” Iced Coffee

As I passed it, I actually did a double-take, because I couldn’t believe I had seen the Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC) logo on an aluminum can. I ran back to pick it up and examine it, after which I pocketed it and carried it for a few miles so I could photograph it back at home.

I have questions about this product.

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH ICED COFFEE

  • Is Victor Allen’s coffee a known brand name?

    I’ve never heard of it, but as the Buy Me A Coffee link currently in the sidebar notes 👉, I don’t actually drink coffee.

  • Whose idea was this?

    Between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Victor Allen, there are two distinct brands listed on the front, but there’s nary a tiny × to be seen anywhere. Given that it’s not “Cinnamon Toast Crunch × Victor Allen’s”, I suspect the idea came from some third party. Without that collab-×, it can’t truly be a collab.

    The back of the can indicates it was actually produced by Horseshoe Beverage Company (“Your Partner for Shelf-Stable Ready-to-Drink Coffee, Cold Brew, and Functional Beverages”).

    The back of a can of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” Iced Coffee

    Did Horseshoe simply license the world-famous CTC brand, along with the far lesser-known Victor Allen brand? Did General Mills put them up to this? I would very much like to know the origin of this madness.

  • Does naturally flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee exist?

    The packaging reads “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee”, as though it were the most normal thing in the world. “Oh, sure, cinnamon toast iced coffee, right, of course. And now they found a way to use a bit of artificial flavoring to mass produce it, good for them!”.

    I’m tickled at the idea of making real cinnamon toast, and then somehow crumbling it up to use as flavoring for coffee. Report back to me if you try it.

  • Wait, doesn’t “iced coffee” require, ya know, ice?

    This product is calling itself “iced coffee”, but until the buyer supplies the ice, it’s really just coffee.

  • Where the hell is Chef Wendell in all of this?

    Do you remember that Cinnamon Toast Crunch used to be made by a cartoon baker? My research has revealed that there were originally three bakers (Wendell, Bob, and Quello), though I have no recollection of anyone but Wendell. Wendell appears to have cut the other two out of the business in 1991, but he’s been off-the-grid (and off the box) himself for well over a decade and a half. General Mills has not forgotten him though.

    Frankly, I suspect Wendell might be the man behind the curtain, pulling the strings. Just look at him:

    Wendell the chef

    Those are the crazy eyes of a man who’s high on his own supply, mixing Cinnamon Toast Crunch into way too much coffee.

  • Why are you doing this?

    Really, just…why? Whoever came up with this, I say to you, “No! Bad! Stop it!”.

You may not want to live in a world where “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee” exists. Regrettably, however, it seems that you do.

Grossly Manipulative

I’d better do something, and fast!

Monday, June 15th, 2026

Google has a “Local Guides” program, where users can provide information to help others. The system will sometimes ask a specific question about a business, such as “Does X offer good vegetarian options?”. Because I’d like there to be better information out there, I’m often willing to contribute.

But recently while traveling, I received the following prompt:

A notification reading “Grass Roots Kitchen • Answer quick questi... 1,000+ people are asking questions and need your help

Oh god! Over 1,000 people need my help? Right now? This is so much pressure, Google.

“Don’t be evil” was a nice thought, but it seems Google has found “Exploit the better angels of humanity” a lot more profitable.

The Truth About the Poached Eggs Murder

Rest in peace, Helen Menicou

Friday, June 12th, 2026

While visiting San Francisco yesterday, I stopped into an old favorite restaurant: The Pinecrest Diner. It had been over a decade since my last visit, but I found the hash browns as delicious as ever.

Pinecrest, circa 2026
[Photo credit: P. Kafasis]

While there, however, I noticed something curious. No matter how much I scoured their menu, I could find no prohibition on poached eggs. That might seem an odd thing to look for, unless you know the Pinecrest’s infamous history. In 1997, it was the site of a homicide which purportedly took place over poached eggs.

When I was visiting the restaurant more regularly back in the 2000s and early-to-mid 2010s, I heard whispers of this story, but it very much had the smell of an urban legend. Still, there was no denying that poached eggs really were expressly prohibited by the menu. Here’s a picture I managed to dig up on Tripadvisor:

Pinecrest’s menu, circa 2018
A previous Pinecrest menu
[Photo credit: FrancescaM]

Zooming in, it reads “We regret we cannot prepare poach or boiled eggs.”


Assuming we can trust the photo’s baked-in date, the prohibition lasted at least until 2018.

I don’t even eat eggs, but during late night visits, I felt something akin to the call of the void. I would fantasize about making a seemingly oblivious request for the forbidden dish, or endorsing the diner to others by suggesting that they “try the poached eggs!”.

After my recent meal, I decided I should learn the true story. A quick web search led to a 2021 piece Katie Dowd wrote, which provides a thorough history of this incident. She details how shift manager Helen Menicou and cook Hashem Zayed really did have a fight about a special order for poached eggs, and spells out the fatal results. It was a terrible waste of two different lives.

Despite that tragedy, the diner itself has lived on. I’m not sure what their current policies are regarding special orders of items not on the menu, but it’s probably better safe than sorry. While I can certainly recommend you visit Pinecrest if you’re in San Francisco, I cannot in good conscience recommend that you try the poached eggs.

New Halls Encouragements Just Dropped

These may, in fact, have dropped many years ago.

Tuesday, June 9th, 2026

Eight years ago, I first noted the phrases printed on the wrappers of Halls cough drops. When I was recently mildly under the weather again, I purchased some more Halls, and found a somewhat updated list of encouragements.

A Halls cough drop wrapper

This newer wrapper design is a step backwards in terms of legibility, but given what’s written on the wrappers, that may be a feature. Here’s a full list:

A Complete List Of Slogans Seen on Halls Cough Drops Purchased in 2026, along with dumb responses I thought of while seeking to avoid a coughing fit

  • Seize the day.
    I’m sick! I’d really rather not.

  • Go get it!
    Please calm down.

  • Go for it.
    Thank you. Still, my ambition is not that high right now.

  • Get through it.
    That’s much more reasonable.

  • Conquer today.
    No, that’s too much again! How about “Survive today”?

  • Don’t wait to get started.
    I think I will.

  • Put your game face on.
    OK, but keep me on the bench today, huh?

  • March Forward!
    Why is “Forward” capitalized?

  • A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP™
    It’s been at least eight years. Isn’t it time you registered this trademark? Stop yelling and go ® that ™.

  • Turn "can do" into "can did!"
    Alright, I’ve ignored the seemingly random usage of periods and exclamation points until now. But this really ought to have a period at the end, or the exclamation point should move outside the (sickeningly straight) quote.

  • Impress yourself today.
    I’ll be impressed if I don’t crack a rib.

  • Tough is your middle name.
    Actually, it’s not.

  • You’ve survived tougher.
    OK, that’s probably true.

  • Nothing you can’t handle.
    As is that.

  • Take charge and mean it.
    More like “Nap and mean it”.

Ultimately, I did indeed survive my mild cold and now I’m putting it to good use as content for this site.

Quick and Creepy

If you read this post too, Sid, don’t email me about it.

Thursday, May 14th, 2026

Just before 9 AM yesterday, I posted about Dawn Zuidgeest-Craft, the septuagenarian resident. Approximately 90 minutes later, I received an email to my work account with the subject line “if Dawn can be a doctor at 72- it’s never too late for anything”. I was initially confused as to what was happening. When I opened the email, however, I saw that it was simply spam. Impressively well-targeted spam, but spam nonetheless:

An email message readingf “If Dawn Zuidgeest-Craft can become a doctor at 72, it's never too late to evaluate Deel as your payroll provider. Deel handles payroll, compliance, benefits all from one platform. Curious, do you have a payroll provider right now or is the process handled manually? ”
As I know the impact an uncommon last name can have, I’ve lightly censored the above email.

I occasionally mention my day job on here, but One Foot Tsunami and Rogue Amoeba are really quite distinct entities. They do not overlap. Attempting to leverage a cursory glance at my humor website to get my company as a payroll client is at best gross, and at worst creepy. Don’t do this.

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