As I wrote a text message yesterday, I was presented with the dumbest set of auto-suggestions I can recall ever seeing. Please marvel at the ridiculousness:
Mothers certainly deserve a full month, but at present, that’s not what we’ve got.
Previous “Features” posts
Happy Mother’s Lengths of Time
I had to type “D-a-y” letter by letter, like an animal.
Monday, May 11th, 2026
Sub-Two Sabastian Sawe
Sabastian Sawe flew into the record books.
Monday, April 27th, 2026
Before yesterday, the fastest marathon ever raced was Kelvin Kiptum’s 2023 Chicago run, where the late phenom put up a 2:00:35. You might also remember Eliud Kipchoge’s 1:59:40.2, which he ran in a non-sanctioned event purpose-built to break the two hour mark. Both of those were amazing feats.
Now, however, there is a new mark. On Sunday, Sabastian Sawe of Kenya dropped an astonishing 1:59:30 in the London Marathon. This shattered the previous race record by over a minute, and even managed to beat Kipchoge’s controlled time by a solid 10 seconds. I’ve been waiting and watching for a sub-two hour marathon, and now I’m delighted to see it accomplished.
Just look at Sawe go:
A blur of Sabastian Sawe breaking the tape in 1:59:30
[Still frame from a video by FloTrack]
When writing about Eliud Kipchoge’s 2018 world record time of 2:01:39, I said:
He ran a mile in 4:38, and then did it 25 more times after that, and then still ran another 2/10ths of a mile! The mind reels.
You probably know a 4:38 mile is fast, but just how fast is it? Well, it would require laps of just 70 seconds around a 400-meter track, which I don’t believe I could manage even once. It’s also 17.5 second 100-meter dashes
Let’s check those numbers for Sabastian Sawe. He averaged 4:33.47 minute miles across the entire race. That’s just 68 seconds to get around a 400-meter track, or exactly 17 seconds on the 100-meter dash. I eventually did test sprinting 100 meters, and I managed right around 17 seconds, once. Once! Sawe just rattled off 422 of those in a row. The mind continues to reel.
So take a moment to celebrate what Sabastian Sawe just accomplished. I suspect we’ll see further records times, but he’ll always be the first to race a sub-two hour marathon. And spare a thought for Yomif Kejelcha, the Buzz Aldrin to Sawe’s Neil Armstrong. In his first marathon ever, Kejelcha’s ran a blistering 1:59:41, 54 seconds faster than the previous marathon world record. Alas, yesterday, that was only good enough for second place.
Sectional 42
This appears to be a one-off item. They ought to consider selling more of them.
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2026
The bleachers at Fenway Park are a near-uniform sea of green. However, in section 42, row 37, seat 21, there is a lone red seat.
[Photo credit: Ewen Roberts]
That special seat marks where Ted Williams hit what is recorded as the longest home run in Fenway Park history, at 502 feet. As the folks over at Uni Watch note:
The seat was turned red in 1984 to commemorate the massive blow and has since become part of the team’s lore and culture. The seat’s mystique grew following Williams’s death in 2002, as the Red Sox kept the seat vacant for the remainder of that season. (Fans who’d already purchased tickets for that seat were upgraded to better locations in the ballpark.)
Now, a second lone red seat is headed for the living room of some lucky Red Sox fan. Jordan’s Furniture has created a special green and red couch as a promotion, and I’m grateful that friend-of-the-site Jason S. gave me a heads-up. Now, you can feast your eyes on the delightfully-named “Sectional 42”:
[Image: Jordan’s Furniture]
That is just some outstanding marketing. There are a lot of bad ads out there, so it’s nice to spot a good one once in awhile. And if you’d like to win this sweet sofa, enter over on Instagram. You’ll also be helping raise money to fight cancer.
The Magawa Monument Is Made of Stone
I also learned that the base is made from steel and designed to look like a landmine.
Thursday, April 16th, 2026
When writing about the massive monument to the hero rat Magawa, I noted that it looked like wood, despite all reporting stating it was stone. I went so far as to feed a picture to A.I. to try to learn more, and the robots suspected it as wood too. When pressed, they suggested it could be something like sandstone, however.
Not content with this uncertainty, I contacted Apopo’s press office. A day later, I received this ever so helpful reply:
Hi Paul,
Thank you so much for your support over the years, we really appreciate it.
Yes, I can confirm that the Magawa sculpture is indeed made from stone. It’s carved from the same type of Cambodian stone traditionally used in Angkor Wat, which is part of what makes it so special.
I agree it can be surprising from certain angles, the craftsmanship is extraordinary, and the finish and detailing can sometimes give it a warmer, almost “wood-like” appearance in photos and video.
If you haven’t already seen it, here’s the making-of video which shows the process in more detail: https://youtu.be/sPeRQieGMoE
Thanks again for helping share Magawa’s story.
What a delightfully definitive answer. Though my eyes still struggle to believe it, the Magawa statue is indeed made of stone. And sure enough, Angkor Wat is made of millions of sandstone blocks. The making-of video confirms it’s yellow sandstones, and at about the 6:15 mark, there’s even footage of the carving process showing a nascent Magawa:
I am delighted to have been shown this video evidence, and to share it with you. Now I’ll close with a link to Apopo’s donation page, where you too can sponsor a real-life landmine detection rat for that special someone in your life.
Stay in Your Lane, Paperless Post
We should all be managing our own digital calendars.
Tuesday, April 14th, 2026
When covering the automated rudeness of Resy, I said:
I’m a responsible adult who keeps a digital calendar. When I book a table for dinner, I also create an event, complete with reminders. Thanks to this system, I don’t believe I’ve ever missed a reservation in my life. That’s not boasting, it’s just how one should act in society.
This system continues to prevent me from being a flake, ensuring I remember and attend all manner of events. I need no further assistance, but boy do a lot of barely related services want to offer me some.
The latest was the online invitation company Paperless Post. Recently, I received a friendly birthday invitation sent with their system. I like cake, so I figured I’d go. I put the event in my calendar and then used the RSVP link to respond in the affirmative. That should have been the end of it, but it was not.
Instead, Paperless Post offered me this:
As you will no doubt guess, I clicked that de-emphasized “Skip” button. I do not need more automated texts in my life. Also, could we all just affirm once and for all that we know that message and data rates may apply? I shudder to think of the cumulative amount of time wasted reading the endless stream of notices of that obvious fact.
As I thought about this goofy feature more, it occurred to me that a text an hour before an event is surely rather late. How many people are reminded by such a text, and actually manage to show? Rather than alerting someone they should be attending an event soon, it’s almost certain to be the first indication that they’ll be missing it.
There are two other options offered, one of which is a day before reminder. That could be helpful, and it seems like it ought to be the default.
Either way, though, I’ll be passing. I don’t need to be receiving a text message like this:
Perverse Incentives in License Plates
Or at the very least, a silver lining to bad decisions.
Friday, March 27th, 2026
While writing about the 9-9-9 challenge, I learned of the existence of license plates specifically assigned to DUI offenders. These plates are a tool to assist law enforcement in monitoring high-risk drivers and to deter repeat violations. However, they’ve gained the nicknames “party plates” in Ohio and “whiskey plates” in Minnesota. Those names convey an insouciance, rather than intended shame.
There’s also a problem with the visuals. Though the yellow is a bit garish, Ohio’s DUI plate looks markedly better than their mess of a standard plate:
[Photos via Wikipedia]
That’s a bad incentive.
First 9-9-9, Then 9-1-1
And after that, a personal injury attorney.
Wednesday, March 25th, 2026
Today is opening day for the 2026 MLB season, so let’s talk baseball. Actually, let’s talk food and drink at the ballgame, and the 9-9-9 challenge. This feat requires you to consume 9 hot dogs and slug back 9 beers within the 9 innings of a baseball game. It sounds both awful and incredibly expensive, so naturally, it’s quite popular.
The earliest reference to the challenge that I’ve found is a site called 999AllStar.com, which is sadly no longer online. Fortunately for us all, the invaluable Internet Archive has captures of the site back to 2004. They provide a delightful look into the past, and the site’s Rules page is particularly noteworthy. It contained a thematically appropriate nine rules, including:
Rule #2: You must have a designated driver to attempt the…Challenge.
Rule #4: One beer must equal a minimum of 12oz.
More on those in a moment.
While 999AllStar.com may be dead, the 9-9-9 challenge is more popular than ever. In fact, in the past year, it’s gone corporate. During the 2025 postseason, food service vendor Aramark sold an official 9-9-9 challenge box for Philadelphia Phillies games at Citizens Bank Park.
[Photo credit: Aramark]
In 2026, the company is expanding the package to five additional ballparks.1 The offering is even being promoted by MLB itself.
Naturally, this called for a celebrity pitchman. Who better than hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut to sidle into Oracle Park, slap on a poorly made Aramark jersey, and scarf some encased meat while chugging beers?
Before
[Photo credit: Aramark]
During
[Photo credit: Aramark]
After…a very different event, demonstrating “The Agony of Victory”
The above promotional photos show full-sized 12 ounce beer cans, but you can see that the actual serving glasses are rather small. Aramark states that their pre-packaged version of the challenge features nine “mini hot dogs”, as well as nine “flight‑sized” beers. I have been unable to determine exactly what that means, except that they’ve watered down the whole thing and broken rule #4. Both I and the Amarillo Sod Poodles know shenanigans when we see ’em.
The reasons for this bastardization are obvious enough, but the promotion still leaves me with a lot of questions.
QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT ARAMARK’S 9-9-9 CHALLENGE
Do they serve you all the dogs and beers at once?
It sure seems like it, so I hope you’re ready to enjoy some cold dogs and warm beers after about inning number four.
What’s the total calorie count on this package?
Even if “mini” means half-sized, that might be 1000-1500 calories for the hot dogs. Add in another 500-1000 calories for the beers.
Do they stop selling it after the first inning?
Probably not. So just how close to the end of the game do you think you can buy nine beers at once?
Do you get to select your beer?
Also probably not, though surprisingly, Coors Field does sell many non-Coors beers. That even includes arch-rival Budweiser.
Can you at least select a non-alcoholic beer?
Hey, teetotalers deserve the chance to overdose on sodium and nitrates too.
Do you get to keep the glasses?
I imagine you do. I cannot imagine what the hell a person does with nine miniature beer glasses branded with the logo of a single baseball team, adorable though they may be.
Just how much does this all cost?
Whatever it is, it’s too much.
Given the newly commercial nature of the 9-9-9 challenge, the folks behind the defunct 999AllStar.com really ought to consider making it refunct.2 I doubt they sold much merchandise back in the day, but in 2026, they could clean up. Who wouldn’t want to wear this lovely t-shirt?
Or, ya know, one with a better design.
You can take a gander at their old Merch page, but because it was 2004 and bandwidth hadn’t been invented yet, the images on it are hilariously small. If you squint, you may be able to make out the other items they had for sale, which included a baseball hat, a BBQ apron, and a baby bib. More than two decades on, I can still recognize the stink of CafePress. I’m shocked they weren’t selling thongs, too.
Anyhow, as a grassroots stunt invented by fans, the 9-9-9 challenge was good-if-inadvisable fun. I’m quite surprised to see a business getting in on it, however, even a business that makes its money selling food and drinks. They may have shrunk the portions, but it’s still some very excessive consumption.
Given MLB’s successful efforts to speed up the game, it seems particularly unwise to encourage fans to down nine beers, “flight-sized” though they may be. Unlike 999AllStar.com, Aramark has no rule requiring a designated driver. I punched some fuzzy numbers into several different BAC calculators, and they all showed that most people who complete this challenge would still be over America’s .08% legal limit to drive at the end of an average length game. But hey, maybe those tiny hot dog buns will soak up some of that alcohol.3
I’m calling it now. In a year or three, I’ll be here reporting on a wrongful death lawsuit against Aramark. When that time comes, the only surprise will be whether it relates to drunk driving, choking, or a heart attack.
Update (March 26, 2026): Then again, maybe it’ll be a class action lawsuit for deceptive advertising.
Footnotes:
In addition to Citizens Bank Park (Phillies):
[Photo credit: Aramark]you’ll find Aramark’s 9-9-9 challenge package at Citi Field (Mets):
[Photo credit: Aramark]Coors Field (Rockies):
[Photo credit: Aramark]Daikin Park (Astros):
[Photo credit: Aramark]Kauffman Stadium (Royals):
[Photo credit: Aramark]and Oracle Park (Giants):
[Photo credit: Aramark]These promotional images were edited down from massive 30+ meg files which Aramark provided via Dropbox. I am delighted to think about someone staging this little tableau for a team, replete with a napkin of the proper color, then resetting the entire arrangement five more times. The least I could do was to include all six delightful images here.
I’m afraid I must issue two demerits, however, because the Mets and the Astros images contain 10 beers, rather than 9. MLB’s social media post for this even notably excludes those two clubs. ↩︎
A hat tip to my friends Todd R. and Rich W., who played bass and drums respectively in the late-aughts Cambridge band “Refunct” that inspired this dumb joke. Click here to stream a track. ↩︎
Because my high school driver’s ed class needed to fulfill the “health” portion of the state-mandated curriculum, it contained a fair amount of information about alcohol. The intent was to discourage drunk driving, which is laudable. Still, our teacher Mr. Wilkinson was fully aware that many students were going to imbibe, so he shared the sage recommendation to avoid doing so on an empty stomach. His counsel was along the lines of “Eat some bread to slow things down”. It’s not the worst advice. ↩︎
Talk About Unappetizing
Leopards, faces, etcetera
Thursday, March 19th, 2026
While compiling yesterday’s very important list, I learned of the brief and stupid existence of “Trump Burger”, a Donald Trump-themed burger restaurant. Strangely, it appears the namesake menu item at this wretched concept was not a well-done burger with half a bun.
Anyhow, the chain is no more, for the most incredible of reasons:
In August 2025, the chain’s founder Beainy, a Lebanese national, was arrested by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents and has been charged with overstaying in the U.S. under the terms of his visa. In October 2025, it was reported that all Trump Burger locations had closed.
The lack of awareness is simply astounding.
A List of Chain Restaurants Whose Names Contain Unusual Structures
Obviously, words like “restaurant” or “grill” do not qualify as unusual.
Wednesday, March 18th, 2026
A list of chain restaurants whose names contain unusual structures, presented in decreasing order of how appealing it would be to eat in such a structure:
Castle (as in White Castle): A meal fit for a king! Apparently, “Fit for a king” was actually the slogan of Royal Castle, a White Castle knock-off that has been almost defunct for decades.
Villa (as in Taco Villa): A villa isn’t quite a castle, but it’s still a very fancy place to eat.
House (as in Waffle House and International House of Pancakes): Two different breakfast chains using “house” in their name is strange, but eating in a house is certainly normal enough.
Roadhouse (as in Texas Roadhouse): A roadhouse has always been a place where you could eat a meal, so this is fine too. I’m quite tickled at the idea of asking for a room for the night at Texas Roadhouse though.
Cabana (as in Taco Cabana): If I’m in a cabana, I think I’d prefer a tropical beverage over a meal, but it’ll do.
Hut (as in Pizza Hut): A hut is basically just a cabana that’s not near the beach. It’s not a particular appealing place to eat a meal, even if it’s a Classic.
Shack (as in Shake Shack and Harold’s Chicken Shack): To me, a shack seems worse than a hut. It just sounds dirtier.
Factory (as in Cheesecake Factory and The Old Spaghetti Factory): Unless it’s cranking out computer chips, a factory is liable to be grimy and unclean. Must it really be old, too?
Warehouse (as in Spaghetti Warehouse): Two different spaghetti-focused chains with weird buildings in their names! This was initially my pick for least appetizing place to eat, but I found worse.
Corral (as in Golden Corral): Don’t eat the cow pies.
Pit (as in Pita Pit and Buca di Beppo, which translates to “Beppo’s Pit”): A pit is pretty much just a hole in the ground, with some bracing that qualifies it as a structure. Surely this is the worst place to sit down for a meal.
Bam Adebayo and the Wrong Ben Wallace
Winner gets to keep the nickname “Big Ben”.
Thursday, March 12th, 2026
On Tuesday night, Bam Adebayo dropped 83 points on the hapless Washington Generals Wizards. That’s the second-highest single-game total of all time, behind only Wilt Chamberlain’s legendary 100 point game, and topping Kobe Bryant’s 81 points from 2006.
Bam also topped Kobe in another way. After Wilt put up his 100, he posed with a ridiculously low-rent “sign”:
[As far as I can find, Kobe Bryant did not recreate this image after his monster game. Bam Adebayo, on the other hand, did:
[Photo via @miamiheat]
I think they used a Sharpie instead of a grease pencil, but it’ll do.
As I read about Tuesday’s game, I saw that Bam scored 36 of his points from the free throw line, on 43 attempts. That’s 83.7%, and I wanted to know how that ranks in the NBA. Against all judgement, but also because the button is right there on my phone, I asked Siri “What’s a good free throw shooting percentage in the NBA?”. Please have a look at the absolutely wretched answer it provided:
That is not the answer to the question asked.1 It also contains strange grammar, with the phrase “in the NBA history”. And most amusingly, it features a picture of the wrong Ben Wallace.
This is yet another pathetic showing by Siri, but it did have one upside. It’s led me to a new dream. I don’t know how we make it happen, but I’d love to see these two Bens Wallace go head-to-head in a free throw shooting contest.
Footnotes:
The correct answer is that roughly 80% or higher is good, and 85-90% is elite. Bam’s 83.7% was thus quite respectable, particularly for a center. ↩︎
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