Previous “In My Inbox” posts

Stay in Your Lane, Paperless Post

We should all be managing our own digital calendars.

Tuesday, April 14th, 2026

When covering the automated rudeness of Resy, I said:

I’m a responsible adult who keeps a digital calendar. When I book a table for dinner, I also create an event, complete with reminders. Thanks to this system, I don’t believe I’ve ever missed a reservation in my life. That’s not boasting, it’s just how one should act in society.

This system continues to prevent me from being a flake, ensuring I remember and attend all manner of events. I need no further assistance, but boy do a lot of barely related services want to offer me some.

The latest was the online invitation company Paperless Post. Recently, I received a friendly birthday invitation sent with their system. I like cake, so I figured I’d go. I put the event in my calendar and then used the RSVP link to respond in the affirmative. That should have been the end of it, but it was not.

Instead, Paperless Post offered me this:

A setup box for a text message reminder

As you will no doubt guess, I clicked that de-emphasized “Skip” button. I do not need more automated texts in my life. Also, could we all just affirm once and for all that we know that message and data rates may apply? I shudder to think of the cumulative amount of time wasted reading the endless stream of notices of that obvious fact.

As I thought about this goofy feature more, it occurred to me that a text an hour before an event is surely rather late. How many people are reminded by such a text, and actually manage to show? Rather than alerting someone they should be attending an event soon, it’s almost certain to be the first indication that they’ll be missing it.

There are two other options offered, one of which is a day before reminder. That could be helpful, and it seems like it ought to be the default.

Three options for timing the reminder, 1 hour before, 2 hours before, or 1 day before

Either way, though, I’ll be passing. I don’t need to be receiving a text message like this:

A text message that says “You’re due at Benny’s First Birthday in 60 minutes”.

In My Inbox: September 2025 Edition

Y’all are weird, email marketers.

Friday, September 19th, 2025

It’s time for another review of nonsense that’s appeared in my email inbox. Today, we’ve got three distinct offenders.

OpenTable

A recent email from the reservation service had the subject line “Where to book for National Couples Day”. I have to admit that it drew me in, because what in the hell is “National Couples Day”? Couples already have a day, and it’s called Valentine’s Day. They also have at least one anniversary, if not multiple.

National Couple’s Day is on the horizon, and while it may get less hype than Valentine’s Day, everyone benefits from throwing an extra date night on the calendar—even if it’s a friend date. Start your planning with the most romantic tables in Boston.

OK, once you start adding “friend dates” to this, you’ve really lost the plot. Get the hell out of here with this trash, OpenTable, and take your inconsistent apostrophe with you.

Capital One

An email from Capital One with the subject line “As the seasons change, so do fraud tactics”

Ah, yes. Fall is approaching. There’s a crispness to the air. The leaves are changing colors, pumpkin spice is appearing, and scammers are switching up their fraud tactics. What?

I skimmed this email, and I was quite tickled by one of their recommendations. It read “Never send money to someone you’ve never met face to face”. For quite literally decades at my day job, I have been paying people I’ve never met face to face, including one of my co-founders. Have I been getting scammed?

CVS

I recently had an appointment for a flu shot, because despite the beliefs of at least one dope who I can’t believe graduated from a prestigious medical school, science is real. I checked in at CVS around 10:10 AM, and I was back out the door just a few minutes later. It was great.

The email I received two and a half hours later, however, was not:

An email which arrived at 12:42 PM, reminding me about my appointment at 10:15 AM

Please note the timestamp in the upper right corner. I’m a responsible adult with a digital calendar. I don’t need a reminder email for my vaccination appointment, but if I did, it sure ought to arrive before the appointment.

Instead, you already saw me, CVS. And as mentioned above, I did arrive five minutes before my scheduled appointment. Now, it’s over. My arm is a little sore, my immunity is increasing, and we’re done. Just like this post.

Last Gen Connectors

At least I’m one of the most valued Amtrak Guest Rewards® members.

Thursday, August 21st, 2025

Recently, Amtrak sent me a “member exclusive” email to let me know that the future was approaching the station.

[A]s one of our most valued Amtrak Guest Rewards® members, we wanted you to be the first to know that NextGen Acela will soon be available to book on select departures. This modern, elevated experience will change the way you look at train travel. Watch your inbox for more information on how to book your future NextGen Acela travel with Amtrak.

I say, with zero sarcasm, that this is exciting! Acela might be the world’s worst high-speed train service, but it’s America’s best.1 I take Amtrak from Boston to New York City whenever I can, and if possible, I choose Acela. It’s an excellent experience. When I received this email, I was eager to get a glimpse at these new trains:

A new train, that looks phallic
Apparently, the future is trains that look exceedingly penile. So be it.

Look at that baby zoom! Now, I often work on my laptop when I travel, so I was pleased to find the email touting “Free, 5G enabled WiFi, power outlets and USB ports at every seat”. Immediately, however, I was curious as to the exact type of USB ports we were talking about here. I clicked through to their site to see what I could see, but found no pictures.

So I watched their one minute sizzle reel, which was a rather ridiculous 300+ MB in size.2 Halfway through, it showed off multiple features of the new interiors using Apple’s favorite keynote trick, the bento box:

A screenshot showing multiple features of the new trains

Oh, zoom in on the upper left!

Aw, man. USB-A?! That is not the future.

Nevertheless, I say with still zero sarcasm, I am excited to ride on one of these new trains soon.

Footnotes:

  1. Also, sadly, only. ↩︎

  2. A much smaller version of their video, whose original filename was “amtrak-nextgen-acela-sizzle.mp4”, is archived here. ↩︎

All Is Politics

It sure was nice having some things be apolitical.

Tuesday, July 8th, 2025

Last Friday, the Social Security Administration decided to celebrate Independence Day by spamming American citizens. Their nauseating email opened with this:

This is simply not something a non-partisan government agency should send. It’s also something between misleading and an outright lie. The law will provide a four year tax deduction leading to 88% of Social Security recipients not needing to pay taxes on their benefits. Of course, under the previous law, 64% of recipients were already not paying taxes. So this temporarily benefits 24% of Social Security recipients. That’s not nothing, but it’s also not something an apolitical part of the government ought to tout to tens of millions of Americans.

More broadly, this terrible law will actually slash the social safety net while also exploding the deficit. It’s a very, very bad bill, right down to its name. What the email calls “the One Big, Beautiful Bill” is officially the “One Big Beautiful Bill Act”. The combination of no comma and ending with “Bill Act” is really just the idiotic cherry on top of a sundae of stupidity.

Despite that, I tried to find a bright side. With how Social Security has been managed, I don’t actually expect to get any money when I reach retirement age in a few decades. Given that, I suppose it’s nice that I received something from Social Security.

How I Saved $59.95

When they can sell me pictures of the future, then I’ll pay.

Tuesday, June 24th, 2025

Often after a road race, runners will receive an offer to purchase photographs of themselves captured during the event. These photos tend towards the terrible, because running is frequently the opposite of photogenic (but not always). I don’t believe I’ve ever purchased race photos myself, but someone must be doing it, because they keep sending the photographers out there.

Last Thursday, three days before a race, I received an email from MarathonFoto with the subject line “Photo presale is live!”. This was new—they were attempting to sell me photographs that had not even been taken yet.

An email offering to sell me photos ahead of the race

When I clicked the “View Your Photos” button, I was beyond disappointed that it didn’t show me pictures from the future. In fact, the page showed no photographs at all. It did, however, show me this “best price” offer:

An offer to buy digital downloads of my photos, ahead of the race, for $60.

Boy howdy, what a bargain! For the low, low price of $60, I could buy digital copies of any photos of me that might be taken. Thank you, MarathonFoto, but no.

The day after the race, I received a more traditional come-on. Now I was curious what that same package of digital downloads would cost. Would the price actually increase? Just how much more expensive could they make it?

An offer to buy digital downloads of my photos, ahead of the race, for $70.

Well, there’s our answer. They took an already egregious price and made it 17% more expensive. You will be unsurprised to know that I once again declined to purchase.

Despite not taking MarathonFoto up on their offer, I can still relive the race just fine. My pal Lisa P. is a photographer extraordinaire, and she occasionally catches me out on the course:

Your humble author, making a goofy face as he runs a recent race.

This priceless image was graciously provided entirely free of charge.

Fun With Surveys

Where’s the data? I smell data! Data! Data! Gotta be data, only one things smells like data and that’s data! Data data data!

Tuesday, March 25th, 2025

Long ago, it could be both fun and profitable to take an internet survey. In the late ’90s, it was novel to have someone care about your opinion, and companies existed that connected you to surveys that paid real money.

In the modern era, however, practically every company on earth wants to mine you for your data. They ask for feedback constantly, about every conceivable thing. It’s a scourge. I’ve been asked to rate a purchase of dental floss, as well as the experience of using a restroom. Nearly every day I receive at least one email asking me to share my feedback about something, and lately, I’ve begun to receive follow-up “reminder” messages. Marketers really need to knock that shit off.

All of these emails prattle on about just how much my opinion is valued, yet hardly anyone is willing to pay for it. Last week, I received the following:

We value your time as much as your feedback, so upon survey completion, you will be entered into a sweepstakes to win one of three $100 REI gift cards. Winners will be selected by April 30, 2025 and will be notified by email.

Even if we trust that those gift cards really are awarded, this is pathetic. The slim chance of getting a $100 gift card is not at all worth spending a quarter of an hour on an online survey, and prefacing that meager offer with a claim that they value my time is insulting. That email quickly found its way to the trash.

Recently, though, I did find myself clicking through to a survey. It started when I signed up with a service called Arbor, which attempts to automatically reduce your energy bill by finding lower-cost electricity suppliers. Not long after I signed up, they emailed me the following:

An email requesting my feedback in a 1-question survey

I was very curious as to exactly what their one question could be, so I clicked the link. Here’s where I was led:

A question reading “How likely are you to recommend Arbor to a friend or colleague?”, followed by a scale from 0 to 10

I found the 0 to 10 scale rather odd, and the asterisk did not appear to lead anywhere. Still, I clicked “7”, and then “OK”. That’s when their lie was revealed, as a question 2 immediately appeared:

A second question that reads “Why did you choose 7?”

No! One cannot state that they’re running a one-question survey, and then follow up with a second question. That’s false advertising, man! It’s dirty pool! It’s 100% more questions than claimed!

Though I contemplated bailing entirely, I instead gave myself a real chuckle with the following reply:

A reply reading “You said this would only be one question.”

I doubt my snark will change anything, but it tickles me still.

I intended to end this piece there, but after writing it, I stumbled upon a rather hilarious postscript. In contrast to the no-doubt-slim odds of winning a prize in a post-survey raffle, Arbor offers a generous, and guaranteed, referral program, paying out $20 for each new account ($10 to the referrer and $10 to the new user). If you’re in America, you can get $10 just by signing up for their free service through this link.

That means that while their survey team may be a pack of liars, Arbor actually is worth talking about. Nevertheless, that “7” I gave them really was quite high, because I’m simply not in the habit of chatting with my friends and colleagues about a service that reduce electric bills. Depending how much sweet referral cash this post rakes in, however, I could get in the habit of writing about it.

North and Also West to the Future

Nuts and gum, together at last!

Monday, October 21st, 2024

For most of the 2010s, Virgin America was my preferred way to travel between Boston and San Francisco. Eventually, however, Virgin shuttered their cross-country routes from Boston when they were acquired by the extremely West Coast-based Alaska Airlines. As a result of that merger, I have a frequent flier account with Alaska, despite never having flown their airline.

So it was that I received news in my inbox about the merger between Alaska Airlines and Hawaiian Airlines. I found this to simultaneously be perfectly logical and completely bizarre. Alaska and Hawaii seem like the two most different states in the country. One extends incredibly far north, a polar region of bitter cold, snow, and ice. The other sits very far west, a lush equatorial paradise. Flying between the two seems like it would be incredibly strange, in either direction.

Alaska x Hawaii - Two beloved brands. Taking you further.

Strange though it may be, the two brands now exist under the same corporate umbrella. However, they’re apparently going to maintain each brand independently. That’s probably for the best, given that the name Northwest Airlines has already been used. On the other hand, I’ve got the perfect name for the potentially merged company: Inset Airlines. Come fly the inset skies!

Marcus Is Doing Better Now

I was honestly worried.

Wednesday, June 5th, 2024

At 11:34 AM on Wednesday, my savings bank Marcus1 sent me an email with the subject line “We updated our Deposit Account Agreement”. It indicated that a small change was being made to an agreement I promise you no one has ever read in the first place:

We’d like to highlight the following, which will go into effect on 6/28/24:

• Wire transfers (page 8): We clarify our wire transfers policy and explain that wire transfers may be sent or received to/from external banks located in the US, specified US territories or US jurisdictions only. (We still don’t charge any fees to send or receive wire transfers.)

“There’s no action required from you”, the email assured me. And yet, that proved to be false. Over the next 47 hours, they sent 11 more emails:

A full dozen identical emails

Each email was identical to the first, and each one needed to be deleted by me. One extremely needless (though probably legally mandated) email is plenty. One every few hours, for multiple days, is ridiculous. Marcus really seemed to be going through it.

The emails finally dried up on Friday, and I figured that was the end of it. Almost, but not quite. On Monday, after they’d had a chance to cool down, Marcus emailed me one more time:

An apologetic email

There’s some incongruity to sending yet another email to apologize for sending duplicate emails in error. Still, I suppose it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been a phone call.

Footnotes:

  1. It’s more complicated than that, really. From their site: “Marcus by Goldman Sachs® is a brand of Goldman Sachs Bank USA and Goldman Sachs & Co. LLC (“GS&Co.”), which are subsidiaries of The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc.” For simplicity, I’m just calling Marcus my bank. ↩︎

Worlds Collide

I don’t care how mature you are, that’s funny.

Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

Last month, I posted a story about scientists tracing COVID via sewer pipes. Soon after, I received a delightful email from a reader, which I share with you now:

An email from a reader, indicating he had seen himself linked on OFT.

Yes, the Dave O’Connor mentioned in my initial post is a One Foot Tsunami reader. I’m tickled to think of him seeing his own name appear on this goofy little site. I’m thrilled that he reached out. But most of all, I’m terribly amused at the stupid wordplay of the phrase “he saw his own name poop up”. Thanks, Dave!

Target’s Undiscountable Items in Early 2024

Target Circle is still not a registered trademark.

Tuesday, February 20th, 2024

Earlier this year, I once again received a birthday present from everyone’s favorite Minneapolis-based retail chain, Target. Just as in 2022 and 2023, those nice Minnesotans emailed me the thoughtful gift of a 5% discount on a single order, with many exceptions applying.1 Wanting to track how things have changed over the three years I’ve paid attention to this offer, I created an honest-to-god spreadsheet. Let’s have a look at what it revealed.

A Few Notable Items Which, in 2024, Target Has Decided Must Not Be Discounted 5%

  • Black History Month
    Black history already gets the shortest month, and now there are no deals to be had on it? This is a very bad look.

  • Latino Heritage Month
    Latino Heritage Month runs from September 15 to October 15, which isn’t even a month, though it is a full 30 days, unlike February. I’m not sure which group got it worse.

  • Pride
    I don’t know if this refers to LGBTQ+ products, but if so, this year’s list really has a lot of discrimination going on.

  • Dynamic Coins, Lights From Anywhere (Junior), Marvin’s Magic Drawing Board and Pens, and Svengali Magic Cards
    In a terrible magic trick, Target made the savings disappear.

  • Elf on the Shelf
    If I can manage to buy this little snitch in February, I ought to be able to get it at a discount.

  • Umbrellas
    This is by far the strangest item on the list. After an assortment of very specific toys and other items, now we get “umbrellas”?! I can’t get 5% off on an umbrella, regardless of the weather? Outrageous.

Modifications to Items Which Still Must Not Be Discounted 5%

  • “Beats Fit Pro, Beats Flex, Beats Powerbeats Pro, Beats Studio Buds” is now simply “Beats”
    I applaud the simplification here.

  • “Motrin” has been replaced by “Motrin Baby”
    This, however, I must decry. Babies, who are almost universally unemployed, can least afford to pay full price for their pain relief.

  • “PlayStation consoles and accessories” is now “PlayStation – consoles virtual reality and accessories”
    It’s interesting to see “virtual reality” added here.

  • “Tylenol pain relief, Tylenol PM” is now “Tylenol (and baby) pain relief”
    Again, the poor young children are made to suffer. Won’t somebody think of them?

A Full List of Previously Undiscountable Items Which, in 2024, Target Has Decided May Now Be Discounted 5%

  • DockATot

  • Hot Wheels Ultimate Garage

  • Ninja

  • Peg Perego

  • Shark

It was not a great year for items coming off the undiscountable list. That said, if you need a kitchen appliance or vacuum cleaner from a company named for a deadly one-word noun, you’re in luck.

Unless, that is, you actually try to redeem the offer. The page Target’s email routed me to had two major problems. First and foremost, despite the fact that the offer doesn’t expire until next month, I can’t access it:

A discount offer purportedly not expiring until next month, but showing as “unavailable”

Second, what in the name of jaggies is this image:

An extremely pixellated image
Ow, my eyes. I’m not supposed to get pixels in them!

If only someone would update this image with even a small amount of the care they clearly use in modifying their list of undiscountable items.

Footnotes:

  1. The current full list of undiscountable items: “alcohol, Apple products, Barbie camper and houses, Beats, Black History Month, Bose, Bratz Collector and Designer Dolls, Bullseye’s Playground, Cards Against Humanity, Casper, clinic & pharmacy, Cricut, dairy milk, Disney Princess Castle, Dockers, Do-a-Dot, Doona, DSLR cameras & lenses, Dynamic Coins, Dyson, Elf on the Shelf, Fisher Price Laugh n Learn, Fitbit, Funko Standard Pop, gift cards, GilletteLabs Heated Razor Starter Kit by Gillette – 3ct, Google, Hair Appliances, HALO Baby, Hasbro Games (Classic Monopoly, Connect Four, Jenga, Sorry, Trouble), Healthy Roots Dolls, HP Inc., ICU reading glasses, Infant Optics, JBL, Latino Heritage Month, LEGO, Levi’s Red Label, LG OLED and QNED TVs, Lights From Anywhere (Junior), limited-time designer partnerships, Lovevery, Marvin’s Magic Drawing Board and Pens, Mega Bloks, Meta Oculus and Portal, mobile contracts, Motrin baby, Nintendo hardware and Switch games, Polder, Philips Avent, Plan B, power shave, power dental, prepaid cards, Play-Doh Ice Cream Truck Playset, PlayStation – consoles, virtual reality and accessories, Pride, Revival, Samsung TVs, Scratch Art, Shipt Membership, simplehuman, SI Thunder Glow Drone, Sonos, Sony Electronics, Svengali Magic Cards, Take Action, Target Optical, Tempur-Sealy, Trading Cards, Tylenol (and baby) pain relief, Umbrellas, Ulta Beauty at Target Brands, Unlocked phones, Vera Bradley handbags, Weber, What Do You Meme?, WonderFold.” ↩︎

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