Until very recently, “Aunt Jemima” was the still vaguely racist mascot for pancake mix, waffles, and non-maple “syrups”. If you’re an American, it is very likely that you know her. This was her most recent incarnation:

Older versions are decidedly less wholesome.

This one is bad, and there are others I don’t want to include that were worse. Last year, in the midst of a nationwide awakening about the extent of systemic racism in the United States, Quaker Foods announced they would be rebranding.

“We recognize Aunt Jemima’s origins are based on a racial stereotype,” Kristin Kroepfl, vice president and chief marketing officer of Quaker Foods North America, said in a statement then. “As we work to make progress toward racial equality through several initiatives, we also must take a hard look at our portfolio of brands and ensure they reflect our values and meet our consumers’ expectations.”

It’s obviously not the most pressing issue, but I’m all for it. Recently, they unveiled what they’ve settled on:

“Pearl Milling Company” is quite a mouthful. What the heck does it mean?

“Though new to store shelves, Pearl Milling Company was founded in 1888 in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the originator of the iconic self-rising pancake mix that would later become known as Aunt Jemima,” the company said.

Well, alright. That’s a decent origin story. However, I find the packaging downright bizarre, like a product from an alternate universe. I fear we’re going to have countless people who are unaware of the change. They’ll reach for a bottle of syrup on the grocery store shelf, only to find themselves in the midst of an existential crisis, wondering if they’ve slipped through a wormhole into another dimension. Better for the customer, but worse for Quaker, the potential buyer might instead think that some knock-off product has replaced the “Aunt Jemima” they’re looking for. Either possibility would not be good for sales.

Despite this brand new name, the packaging is still claiming “Since 1889”, which now feels incongruous. I guess we’ll see if this makes it to 2089.

Next in our continuing series on bank-related ridiculousness, we have more from Capital One. Currently, if you visit the Capital One homepage, you may find yourself face to face with an unusual sight.¹

Who is that? What is that? I shudder to look, yet I can’t tear my eyes away. This being, who may possibly be an alien life form from another galaxy, is smooth like a marble. Yet I hope you’ll agree that he bears a resemblance to noted actor/Earthling Samuel L. Jackson.

In an attempt to confirm this, I turned to the reverse image search on Google Images. Alas, its robotic brain refused to assist. While it does believe this to be a photograph of a human being, that’s about all it’s willing to say:

My favorite part of this result is how the “visually similar images” captured the hands, and the blue shirt, but not the Samuel L. Jackson-ness.

Anyhow, if you’ve watched any television with ads in the past decade or so, you’ve probably seen a Capital One commercial or nine hundred featuring Jackson. In his own words, he’s “the “What’s in your wallet?’ black guy”:

“Oh hell no…” Jackson said. “There’s more than one black guy doing commercials. I’m the ‘What’s in your wallet?’ black guy. [Fishburne’s] the car black guy. Morgan Freeman is the other credit card black guy. You only hear his voice though, so you probably won’t confuse him with Laurence Fishburne.”

“What’s in your wallet?” is, of course, a Capital One slogan. Most recently, Jackson has been seen pitching the “Capital One Shopping” browser extension.² By no coincidence at all, that’s exactly what this homepage ad is about:

Yet despite this mountain of evidence, when I’ve shown this image to others, I’ve repeatedly been told it can’t possibly be Jackson. The eggshell-like skull skin is no doubt throwing people off, as is the lack of glasses. I admit, it only sort of looks like him. That’s the point, and the problem.

Ultimately, there seem to be just two possibilities. The first is that Capital One is using a photograph of Samuel L. Jackson which a clumsy designer has digitally manipulated almost beyond recognition. The second is that Capital One photographed a guy who looks very much like a younger Samuel L. Jackson, even though they have access to the real thing.

Honestly, I’m not sure which would be worse.

Footnotes:

1. You also may not find yourself seeing this, at least not right away. Capital One seems to load a random “ad” on their homepage from a set of a half-dozen or more, and a standard reload just gives you the same one you initially received. Using private browsing windows allowed me to load new ads each time. At present, the image in question can be found on their site at here, though I’m sure that link will break in the near future. ↩︎

2. In one of those ads, Jackson plays alongside his Pulp Fiction co-star John Travolta, who portrays the least appropriate Santa Claus I can recall. ↩︎

Speaking of strange interactions with banks, I recently received quite the two-factor authentication code while logging in to an account.

Oh my! That is very forward, Capital One. Of course, I responded in the only suitable way.

I have long been amused by the automated well-wishing a modern person is likely to receive on the occasion of their birth. This year, I received a note from a credit union with whom I hold a credit card. With a subject line of “Happy Birthday, PAUL!”, I could really feel the personalized love. The email also included this:

• A rich life is one full of family, friends and financial security. We hope that this year embodies all of that.

Ah, sure, the three F’s of happiness, family, friends, and fuh—inancial security. That is definitely an oft-repeated phrase, and we all hope for exactly those three things, in equal measure.

• To celebrate your special day, we’re offering a free weekly six-part wellness coaching series, to help reduce financial stress and gain peace of mind.

Oh…a weekly six-part wellness coaching series. How ’bout that?

I don’t know what to say. Except, perhaps, “What the hell is a ‘money psychologist’?”

Recently, because it was my birthday, I received a digital birthday card.¹ This card had a fun balloon theme, and featured some excellent animated confetti cannons as well. As I always say, digital confetti is the best confetti, because you don’t have to clean it up.

In addition, it contained some fun new ways to celebrate someone on the occasion of their birth. “Happy Birthday” is just a little worn out, you know? Why not:

DARPYHA HIPBY!

Or perhaps:

RIPPHY DABYAH!

If that seems too far off the original message, you might like:

HAPPY BRIHDAY!

All of these alternatives offer a fun way to spice things up.² In 2021, I’ll be wishing everyone a “Ripphy Dabyah” on their special days.

Footnotes:

1. I actually received three different e-cards, and they were all sent by folks aged 69 or older. I’m not sure what it means that only senior citizens have adopted digital greeting cards, but I do find it notable. Also notable is that two of the three cards came from jacquielawson.com, a wonderful business created by accident at the turn of the century by a woman who is now in her mid-70s. ↩︎

2. If you’re wondering why they all lack a letter “T”, well, that gets filled in by a laggard balloon at the end of the card. ↩︎