Previous “Features” posts

There’s No Shortage of Available Numbers

Maybe we need to investigate if innumeracy is a COVID-19 symptom.

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve been amused by the various phases governments throughout the US have used for their re-opening plans. In Massachusetts, the whole thing is an overcomplicated mess, with steps within phases. Fortunately, by staying home as much as possible, I’m able to avoid the need to really understand our current status.

More recently, I found similar nonsense when it comes to vaccine waiting lists. My mother lives in New Jersey, and I wanted to get her in line for the COVID vaccine. After signing up, she wound up in “Phase 1C”, which amused me.


Via NJ.gov

The rather difficult to read graphic above shows that Phase 1A is healthcare workers and residents of long-term care facilities, while Phase 1B is other essential workers. Phase 1C is adults over 65, and adults with various medical conditions, while Phase 2 is the general public. New Jersey has four distinct groupings, yet only two phases. It’s needless nonsense.

When it comes to receiving the vaccine for a deadly pandemic, being in Phase 1C sounds pretty good. But for anyone who stops to think about it, that’s obviously just Phase 3. Calling it “Phase 3” would make it more clear that it’s behind “Phase 1” and “Phase 2”, which I suppose some view as a downside. To me, avoiding insulting attempts at diversion is a good thing, as is being honest.

I’m pleased to note that while Massachusetts doesn’t yet have a waiting list, we do have just the type of straightforward system I’m suggesting.


Via Mass.gov

I’m in Phase 3, which I much prefer to Phase 1C. That said, the “order of priority” could well turn into a source of unnecessary complication.

Somehow, however, it’s already even worse in California. Friend-of-the-site Chris D. was researching there on behalf of his own mother, and found this chart:


Via CA.gov

While California’s chart is the easiest to read, its contents are even more absurd. Imagine actually trying to explain this to someone:

“So, you’re in group 1C.”

“Oh, great, it sounds like I’ll get the vaccine soon.”

“Well…”

“Ah, I guess there are two groups ahead of me, right? I’m after 1A and 1B, so I’m really in the third group.”

“Close! Group 1C is actually the fourth group, behind 1A, 1B Tier One, and 1B Tier Two.”

There are, literally, an infinite number of whole numbers. Perhaps New Jersey and California could just call things what they are.

Nevertheless, They Persisted

The single most important outcome from yesterday is that Joe Biden will indeed be America's next president.

Yesterday, a joint session of Congress met to affirm the results of the 2020 presidential election, which determined that Joe Biden would be the 46th President of the United States. What should have been a ceremonial exercise had instead been engulfed in controversy for weeks. Despite a complete and utter lack of evidence of widespread election irregularities, and despite dozens of court rulings condemning the notion, multiple Republicans stated that they would object to the vote from certain states which had gone against Donald Trump.

These politicians intended to carry out a craven, self-interested charade to appease Trump and his followers, all the while knowing it would not change the result, and knowing that it shouldn’t. They were kicking at one of the key foundations of our democracy, the orderly transfer of power following free and fair elections, in the hopes that it would further their future political ambitions. Such fecklessness was despicable, and it should have been the worst news of the day.

Instead, things got worse, in far more visceral fashion. Following a fact-free speech from Donald Trump at his “March to Save America” rally, a small band of insurrectionists stormed the US Capitol building. Due to an inexplicable absence of proper security, Congressional members were forced to flee the chamber. In a matter of minutes, thugs were literally able to physically overtake the seat of the legislative branch. It was horrifying to witness, and it was a direct result of Trump’s refusal to accept his loss.

Make no mistake. Donald Trump encouraged this action, as did those who have cynically enabled him in both the past two months, and over the past four years. All that preceded yesterday’s events should be dissected at length, and we should do all we can to avoid ever seeing something like this again. Lies and hypocrisy must be called out, criminals must be prosecuted, and democracy must never be taken as a given. When it comes to Trump specifically, the rhetorical two-step that Donald Trump should be taken “seriously, but not literally” must finally be rejected by all. Time and again, Trump has shown exactly who he is. He is serious and literal, and he would do anything to hold on to power, including tearing down American democracy itself.

There must be a reckoning in the coming weeks, months, and years. Republicans must see that placating and cozying up to lunatics is playing with fire, and eventually, we’ll all get burned. Dangerous conspiracy theories and alternate realities must be quashed, because it is more clear than ever just how much they threaten our society. Let us remember yesterday as a terrible day, but also as a death throe, marking the end of an awful era.

While this is generally a humor site, I simply can’t find a joke anywhere in all of this. Nevertheless, I can still find hope. At present, I hope the following will be the ultimate story of January 6, 2021 (as well as the wee hours of January 7): After a demoralizing day of rioting and mayhem in our nation’s capital, Congress got back to work, and certified Joe Biden’s victory in the 2020 presidential election. Despite the noxious lies from Trump and his acolytes, despite the violence perpetrated by a small band of anarchistic thugs, our system once again held. In just over 13 days, the Trump presidency will end. Where we go from there, only time and our actions, will tell.

I’m Saving Hundreds of Microseconds Each Day

A hundred microseconds here, a hundred microseconds there, pretty soon you're talking about real seconds.

In 18+ years over at my day job, we’ve shipped over 800 different software updates for our products. Sometimes, those updates contain a slew of new features and changes, given us lots to talk about and promote. Other times, well, it goes the other way. It can be difficult to come up with interesting marketing copy when a release mostly just cleans up some boring things on the backend, invisible to the user.

Thus, I can understand how the makers of Weather Line (an excellent weather app for iOS) wound up here:

Feature touting the addition of a degree symbol for “fastr glance-ability”

That understanding didn’t make it any less ridiculous, however. Just to compare, here’s a before and after shot:

Image showing temperature without a degree symbol, and then with a degree symbol

I don’t know quite how much time that “faster glance-ability” is saving me, but I’ve probably blown several lifetimes’ worth of savings writing this post. And then you read it! Thank you for joining me on this time-wasting journey.

Progress in Major League Baseball

Slowly, things improve.

Winter has just begun here in America, but recently, two positive announcements were made relating to the boys of summer. First, at some point in the near future, Cleveland’s baseball team will have a new name.

The decision follows a similar move by the NFL’s Washington Football Team. Unlike the Washington Football Team, however, Cleveland’s baseball team will continue to be known as the Indians — the name it has carried since 1915 — until a new name is chosen and various branding and trademarking issues are resolved.

I’m not sure why they’re taking a half measure for now, but it will be good to get rid of this name (and worse, the terrible “Chief Wahoo” logo). For now, there’s nothing stopping all of us from just calling them the Cleveland Baseball Club, and I intend to.

Shortly after Cleveland’s announcement, Major League Baseball stated that the the Negro Leagues would now be considered as ‘Major League’.

Major League Baseball is correcting a longtime oversight in the game’s history by officially elevating the Negro Leagues to “Major League” status…With this action, MLB seeks to ensure that future generations will remember the approximately 3,400 players of the Negro Leagues during this time period as Major League-caliber ballplayers. Accordingly, the statistics and records of these players will become a part of Major League Baseball’s history.

From 1920 to 1948, African and Latin Americans players competed at a tremendously high level, but were excluded from the all-white Major League Baseball. That exclusion can never be undone, but recognizing the accomplishments of those players is a positive move nonetheless.

Both of these changes have been a long time coming, but late is far better than never.

Take a Day Off, Coach

Rest days are important, and Apple needs to learn about them.

Regular readers will know about my love-hate relationship with the Apple Watch, which I often refer to as my dumbwatch. While I appreciate the activity tracking it does, I’m often confounded by many of its behaviors. Perhaps my least favorite feature is the Activity app’s “Daily Coaching”. According to Apple, this is intended to “help you complete your Activity goals and Monthly Challenges”. I leave this turned on so that it can helpfully notify me if the day is winding down, but I need a bit more activity to reach my goals.

However, this same feature also nags me at other times throughout the day, in ways that are anything but helpful. I run in the morning most days, but occasionally, I’ll run in the afternoon. At eleven or noon on those days, the Watch will note with alarm that I’m behind my usual pace. I’ll get there, dummy. Worse, this warning sometimes pops up earlier, right after I’ve woken up and put on the Watch in the morning. I’ve even seen it as early as 1 AM, which is just ridiculous.

Other times, possibly because it’s bored, the Watch will issue a needless status update. When the below appeared, it was shortly after high noon, and I was over halfway to my calorie goal.

Here's a look at today's progress - 50% done, halfway through the day.
Begging for attention

I really don’t need or want an Everything’s OK alarm.1

This past Friday, my Watch popped up with this:

The Apple Watch saying “Keep it going - Yesterday, you rocked your exercise ring. Unstoppable, Paul. What will today bring?”

Now, read in the right cadence, that’s downright poetic. But it’s also a rhyming pain in the ass. For the love of Saint Nicholas, that was Christmas morning. The day brought some time lounging about in pajamas, followed by talking with loved ones while sitting around on the couch. Maybe Apple could provide this digital coach a calendar, because shattering personal records on December 25th is simply not in the cards for most people.

The day after Christmas, however, I ran a half-marathon. It was a cold, windy Saturday, and when I was done, I was done. This was my last race in a virtual distance medley. Over the past three months, I’d trained for and run a 5K, 10K, and now a half-marathon. I intended to take it easy and recuperate on Sunday.

So of course, shortly after I woke up the next day, my Watch hit me with this:

The Apple Watch saying “Keep it going - Yesterday was all about your Exercise ring, Paul. Boom! Go for it again today.”

No! No I will not. It is OK to do less some days than others. Boom? Boom yourself, Watch.

What’s maddening about virtual assistants like this is the wildly fluctuating levels of intelligence. The same device that can check both my calendar and local traffic, then helpfully remind me when I need to leave for a doctor’s appointment, is also completely oblivious of concepts like holidays and rest days. Apple and others have created semi-intelligent facsimiles of a human assistant, but it’s clear there’s a lot of work left to be done.

For now, it provides me with a harmless outlet for anger and mockery. The Apple Watch has no feelings, so I’m blissfully free to tell it to shove its encouragement up its own ass.


Footnotes:

  1. As always, the relevant video is archived here.↩︎

Things Worthy of Our Love

Honor, decency, courage, beauty, and truth

In a recent Atlantic piece, long-time Republican speechwriter Peter Wehner notes that since losing the election, Donald Trump “has become even more destabilizing and dangerous”. Trump’s recent actions have been so far beyond the pale that it seems impossible to adequately express how unhinged they are. A discussion of martial law taking place in the Oval Office is the stuff of nightmares.

However, the conclusion of this horror film is near, and Wehner discusses where we as a nation might go after.

Beyond that, and more fundamental than that, we have to remind ourselves that we are not powerless to shape the future; that much of what has been broken can be repaired; that though we are many, we can be one; and that fatalism and cynicism are unwarranted and corrosive.

There’s a lovely line in William Wordsworth’s poem “The Prelude”: “What we have loved, Others will love, and we will teach them how.”

There are still things worthy of our love. Honor, decency, courage, beauty, and truth. Tenderness, human empathy, and a sense of duty. A good society. And a commitment to human dignity. We need to teach others—in our individual relationships, in our classrooms and communities, in our book clubs and Bible studies, and in innumerable other settings—why those things are worthy of their attention, their loyalty, their love. One person doing it won’t make much of a difference; a lot of people doing it will create a culture.

It’s my hope that in 2021 and beyond, we can indeed all be better. By our example, we will teach others to be better as well.

Meanwhile, in another piece for the same publication, Tom Nichols opines that engaging with Trump’s die-hard supporters simply isn’t necessary. He states that we can, and should, “tune out the noise” and the antics. I’m very much in favor of that. I’d like to hear a lot less about the lunatic fringe, and a lot more about reality, and things that matter to those of us who dwell therein.

When January 20th finally arrives, we can all stop paying attention to Trump’s latest fact-free statement. It’s been a long time coming. Once we get there, let us resolve to spend our time on more productive things.

Meat-Ax Your Notifications

Hey, turn off badges while you're at it.

I’ve long advocated for drastically reducing the number of notifications your digital devices are allowed to produce. Earlier this year, I recommended the following in a footnote:

Years back, I turned off nearly all notifications and badges on my phone, and I highly recommend it. I let texts through, along with emails from VIPs and a tiny number of other things. For everything else, I’ll get to it when I get to it. I strongly encourage everyone to give it a try. It’s a vastly better way to live your life.

The artificial urgency device notifications create is unnecessary, and probably unhealthy. Very few notifications are actually time-sensitive, yet far too many of us let our phones take us out of the moment needlessly.

It turns out Apple CEO Tim Cook agrees, as revealed in a recent podcast interview with Outside magazine:

Tim Cook: [S]o the action I took was I started asking myself, why do I need all these notifications?

Roberts: Right.

Cook: Why do I really need this? Do I really need to understand things in the moment that they’re happening? And you know — and I started taking a meat ax out to some of these things that would grab my attention but didn’t need to in the moment —

Roberts: Mm-hmm.

Cook: — to free me up to do other things. So — yeah. I learned — like I think like probably most people underestimate how much they’re using it.

Until now, I never had a catchy name for my advice. Now, thanks to Cook, I do. Henceforth, my suggestion that most people should turn off most notifications will be referred to as “meat-axing”. Take back your life! Meat-ax your notifications!

Inbox Abuse at the Hands of Major League Baseball

The MLB Online Shop needs to chill the hell out.

At 12:30 PM on November 23, I received an email from MLB.com’s shop, advertising site-wide 30% off savings. Because officially licensed gear for professional sports teams is always ludicrously overpriced, this has the effect of bringing the cost of a $260 “authentic” jersey to a still grossly overpriced $182. To say I was uninterested is putting it mildly.

However, I did notice that this email advertised the deal as “Early Cyber Monday Savings”.

A banner reading “Early Cyber Monday Savings”

As you may know, “Cyber Monday” is a marketing term for the Monday after American Thanksgiving, when many online stores offer special deals. This year, Thanksgiving fell on the November 26, making Cyber Monday the 30th. November 23 was thus not “early Cyber Monday”, it was nothing at all. This email represented just the latest example of calendar abuse by some crack marketing team.

It was also the beginning of some monstrous mailing list mismanagement. Just six hours later, I received an email letting me know that these “Early Cyber Monday savings” were “ending soon”.

A banner reading “Early Cyber Monday Savings - Ends Soon”

Another three hours later, at 9:30 PM, a third email arrived letting me know this deal was “almost outta here”, and in its “final hours”.

A banner reading “Early Cyber Monday Savings - Final Hours”

The sale was ending at midnight, so I assumed that would be the last I’d hear about it. Three emails in one day is too much, but I could see the repeated contacts being effective with some potential customers.

The next day, however, I received the shocking news that “Early Cyber Monday” had been “extended” into Tuesday. Did MLB explain that this was due to overwhelming demand, which had perhaps crashed their servers and thus prevented hopeful buyers from placing orders? They did not. Did they at least use a bit of clever baseball lingo, perhaps saying that the sale had “gone into extra innings?” There again, the answer is no. OK, but surely they changed the design of the email for some variety?

A banner reading “Early Cyber Monday Savings - Extended”

Well, the badge on the bottom of the banner was a different shade of blue, yes.

That evening, I received yet another email, letting me know this was my last chance to take advantage of this 30% off.

A banner reading “Early Cyber Monday Savings - Last Chance”

I was rather incredulous at the idea of sending five emails in two days for a mediocre sale. Still, I found the overzealousness amusing, and I assumed that would be the end of it. I was completely unprepared for what would follow over the next two-plus weeks.

To avoid trying your patience, while still demonstrating the abuse my inbox suffered in late November and early December, here is a simple list of the various sales promotions MLB.com emailed about. Lest you think I made these up, I’ve included images from the most ridiculous emails:

  • Thanksgiving Eve Savings

    A banner reading “Today Only! Thanksgiving Eve Savings”
    Except perhaps when discussing travel, “Thanksgiving Eve” is really not a thing.

  • Thanksgiving Day Sale

  • Black Friday Sale

  • Black Friday Extended

  • Cyber Monday Sneak Peek

    A banner reading “Cyber Monday Sneak Peek”
    The extensions led in to sneak peeks, then back to sales.

  • Cyber Monday Sale

  • Cyber Monday Extended

  • A non-specific “Countdown” event

  • Friends & Family Savings Event

    A banner reading “Friends & Family Savings Event”
    Lamentably, I am not in the Major League Baseball family. After all this, I’m not feeling very friendly either.

  • The Holiday Gifting Sale

  • 3 Days of Saving

  • One Day Sale

    A banner reading “Friends & Family Savings Event”
    OK, this one cracked me up.

  • Holiday Savings Event

Throughout the course of this, the discounts seemed to fluctuate. Many of these sales advertised “up to 65% off”, which really tells you just how much this merchandise is ordinarily marked up. Others contained more standard 20-30% off discounts. The numbers were impossible to keep straight, as they changed constantly.

Similarly, my own reactions bounced around quite a bit. My initial mirth quickly grew to disgust at the marketing that occurred just before, and on, Thanksgiving. I was then horrified at the onslaught of emails surrounding Black Friday and Cyber Monday. I eventually grew numb, and just let the spam wash over me. Finally, I settled on bemusement, enjoying watching just how far this would go and wondering when it would ever end.

But today, enough was truly enough. This morning, MLB.com hit my inbox for the 50th time in under three weeks. That is just utterly insane behavior. I’m sure that MLB wants to juice their merchandise sales after a down year in 2020, but the idea that this is the way to do it beggars belief. It is inexplicable that anyone with any sense at all could think the above was appropriate.

So I’m out. I’ve unsubscribed, and I hope to never hear from these dingdongs again. Sure, I’ll miss their “Christmas Day Sale” (Warning, gifts will not arrive by Christmas), the “Tuesday After Christmas” event, and the “New Year’s Eve Eve” savings the day after that, but I think I’ll be alright.

This Wasn’t the Location They Were Looking For

May the fahce be witcha.

Last Thursday, a post appeared online indicating some new Star Wars content would be shot in my hometown of Boston, Massachusetts.

A posting by the Film & Television Industry Alliance on productionlist.com says “Star Wars: Kenobi” is set to shoot in Boston on Jan. 4, 2021.

“Tatooine-a harsh desert world where farmers toil in the heat of two suns while trying to protect themselves and their loved ones from the marauding Tusken Raiders. A backwater planet on the edge of civilized space. And an unlikely place to find a Jedi Master in hiding, or an orphaned infant boy on whose tiny shoulders rests the future of a galaxy,” a project summary states.

People were understandably rather confused, as that doesn’t really match anyone’s image of Boston. Ridiculous accents and championship sports teams? Sure. “Cheers”, the Revolutionary War, and world-class colleges and hospitals? Absolutely. We’ve even got the kinds of winters which might make us a suitable place to film scenes set on Hoth. But “a harsh desert world”? I’m not sure there’s enough movie magic in the world to make that work.

Two days later, it turned out to all be a rather ridiculous mistake. Production will actually be taking place in the town of Boston, England, namesake to the much more well-known Boston, Massachusetts. Ah well. I’m sure we’ll fill the gap with 19 more gritty crime dramas featuring Ben Affleck and/or Mark Wahlberg.

The New Year’s Countdown Has Nothing on This

By the time you read this, it will be even closer.

Today is Thanksgiving in America, and one thing I’m extremely thankful for how soon this clock will reach 0.


Accurate as of the exact time of this post, 8:30:00 AM on November 26th, 2020

At exactly 12 PM on January 20th, 2021, the clock will expire on Donald Trump’s monstrous presidency, and the world will instantly be a markedly better place.