Monday, October 5th, 2020
The AP Stylebook stipulates that quotation marks should be placed around the titles of books, movies, and more. For example, one would refer to George Orwell’s “1984” or “The Colour and the Shape” by Foo Fighters. Should horse names be placed in quotes as well? To answer that, let’s have a look at a recent news briefing email I received:
No, this is much better.
“Incogmeato” is a delightfully bad name.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
As a vegetarian for over two decades, I’ve long been a big fan of fake meats. Even when they have their problems, they’re generally easy to cook and useful as substitutes in recipes. Lately, they’ve also been getting quite a bit tastier.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been happy to see tremendous growth in the plant-based food market. Despite this growing popularity, however, I didn’t anticipate entertainment companies getting involved. And yet, they have:
Yes, it is apparently now possible to purchase Disney-branded Mickey Mouse-shaped fake chicken nuggets. At least, I think it’s fake chicken. The logo seems to feature an actual chicken disguising itself as a fancy human, replete with bowler hat, monocle, and luxuriant mustache. That’s rather confusing, as it seems to be implying this is real meat from a chicken, and they’re merely pretending it’s plant-based. Whatever is really happening here, I think I’ll pass on a food endorsed by a cartoon rodent.
Why, how do you spend your money when you can't travel or really go out at all?
Friday, September 25th, 2020
Recently, I bought some potato chips. More specifically, I bought 156 single-serving bags of potato chips from England. Now sure, ordering over $100 worth of junk food might seem crazy. But what you have to remember is that it’s 2020, and we each need to find a way to get through this thing. Also, the British really know their way around a salt & vinegar “crisp”, as they call them.
So yes, this happened:
Only a fraction of the haul
[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]
As absurd as this recent purchase might seem, however, it’s far from the most ridiculous thing going on here. First, let’s talk shipping speed. My order was dispatched from England in the afternoon on Monday, September 14th. It was driven from Bristol to East Midlands airport about two hours away, then flown across the Atlantic to New York City. There, it cleared customs, and was quickly driven to Boston. Just over 48 hours after it began its journey, the box was at my front door. That’s simply unnecessary, particularly for such a frivolous purchase.
Better still is the note DHL added to the last item of the tracking information:
This was not in fact the approximate location where I signed for the package. Instead, the delivery was left without an actual signature or even a ring of the doorbell. Thankfully, I noticed it before any snack fiends could make off with my precious cargo. If I hadn’t, however, I think DHL would’ve had a hard time defending themselves given this note.
By 2021, I hope to be able to spell “Adejuyigbe” without looking it up.
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020
Too late did I realize that yesterday was September 21. As a result, I was unable to share this joyous holiday with you. That’s OK! We can still have a belated celebration, with the latest video from Demi Adejuyigbe.1
In 2020, it’s not safe to use a children’s choir or a mariachi band, but Adejuyigbe adapted in wonderful, over-the-top fashion. And that initial reveal? 👨🍳💋
Jubilant as this may all seem, like others before him, Demi has felt the burden of expectations when it comes to producing something year after year. In the hopes of staving off the need to do this again next September, he chose to hold 2021’s video hostage in the best way, requiring at least $50,000 in charitable contributions via sept21st.com. Adejuyigbe clearly should have set the bar higher, as it only took a few hours for we supporters to blast past that goal. Nevertheless, you can (and should) still donate. In the meantime, I’ve marked my calendar for 2021, so I don’t miss out.
Footnotes:
“Petite Cuisine”? Probably not.
Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
On a recent, rare emergence from my home, I stocked up on some essentials at Costco. While there, I spotted this abomination:
I did not purchase this box, because mozzarella sticks are not something a person should have in their own home. They are a delectable shared food, perfect for splitting with other people when out at a bar or restaurant. You don’t shovel down a large number of them, even though you want to. You eat two or three, and you wish you could have one more, but you’re also glad you didn’t. A near bottomless box in your own freezer? That’s madness.
Though I didn’t buy this bad idea, I did stop to take the above photograph, because I was very confused by the quantity. As you can see, the box contains “approximately 82-92 sticks”. I understand that the box is sold by weight (a mammoth five pounds), but still, why is there such a wide range of possible sticks in the box? These are man-made! Surely they can be dialed in to a fairly precise mass. It’s also strange to give an 11 stick range, and then tack an “approximately” on there as well.
I wonder how long this box lasts the average purchaser. I think I’ve eaten 82-92 mozzarella sticks in the past…decade? And I like mozzarella sticks! Costco is, of course, about buying in bulk. But at least for me, a reasonable bulk quantity of mozzarella sticks would be about 10.
Upon examining the photograph later, I noticed two additional bits of strangeness. First is the declaration that the food is made with “100% Real Mozzarella String Cheese”. This got me wondering what the hell string cheese really is, and it turns out, it’s just mozzarella cheese. Also, the process for mass producing it is unappealing at best:
Cheese being extruded from metal tubes aside, the most inexplicable thing in this whole package of insanity is the text just above the initial quantity estimate which originally caught my eye. Have a look, and you’ll see that it reads “Serving Suggestion”. I’m at a complete loss as to what this means. I count nearly 25 sticks visible in this picture, with several more presumably hidden at the bottom of the mound. Surely that is not the serving size. Do they just mean “We suggest serving them on a plate”?
At least there’s no trans fats. It’s practically a health food.
Tom Hanks has been a captain kind of a lot!
Monday, August 24th, 2020
Recently, I saw Tom Hanks’s recent made for TV Apple TV+ movie “Greyhound”. In it, Hanks plays Commander Ernest Krause, captain of a World War II US Naval ship. By my count, it is the sixth time Hanks has played the role of captain. Let’s review, in reverse chronological order!
USS Keeling
Film: Greyhound [Link]
Year: 2020
Vessel Type: Fletcher-class destroyer
Note: Despite receiving second billing behind only Tom Hanks, Elizabeth Shue appears in the movie for just 153 seconds.
US Airways Flight 1549
Film: Sully [Link]
Year: 2016
Vessel Type: Airbus A320
Note: Two years after the release of “Sully” came a 2018 movie called “Tully”. I eagerly anticipate the 2020 release of “Uully”.
MV Maersk Alabama
Film: Captain Phillips [Link]
Year: 2013
Vessel Type: Container Ship
Note: I suppose it’s something of a spoiler, but partway through the film, Tom Hanks’s character is replaced as captain.
Army Captain
Film: Saving Private Ryan [Link]
Year: 1998
Vessel Type: N/A
Note: Rather than the captain of a vessel, in this film Hanks plays US Army Captain John H. Miller.
Odyssey
Film: Apollo 13 [Link]
Year: 1998
Vessel Type: Apollo Command and Service Module-109
Note: According to director Ron Howard, a comment card received after a test screening decried the “typical Hollywood” ending, stating that the crew would never have survived.
Jenny
Film: Forrest Gump [Link]
Year: 1994
Vessel Type: Shrimp Boat
Note: If Forrest Gump held onto his Apple stock from the ’70s, he’d be worth tens of billions of dollars in 2020.
This concludes our look at the captaincies of Tom Hanks. For another look at actor’s roles, see The Jacks of Tom Cruise.
I guess it would actually be worse if it were free with entry.
Thursday, July 30th, 2020
As previously discussed, I don’t find the idea of a virtual road race terribly compelling. But an $8, branded face mask from a virtual road race?
Now that’s just depressing.
This is an epically bad notification, on multiple levels.
Tuesday, July 28th, 2020
Recently, friend-of-the-site Kim B. received a rather shocking notification on her phone. There’s really no two ways about it – she was being advised to Netflix and chill:
That is quite the suggestion, particularly to someone in a committed relationship.
It’s also just a very bad notification. Who the hell is sitting around, wondering what to watch, and unable to find anything on their own? Are there actually people who need their phones to direct them, unprompted, with notifications about how they should spend their leisure time?1
Even if such a prompt really is useful enough, to enough people, Netflix should at least put some quotes around the title. After they’ve done that, maybe they can spend a little time writing a blocklist for content that shouldn’t be suggested. Yikes.
When I asked Kim if I could share this, she immediately approved. However, she was sad with how I’d cropped things. As seen above, the phone’s background featuring her delightful dog Eva is not properly visible. Looking again, I realized a larger view would serve us well as a closing. Eva’s seemingly disdainful expression strikes me as a rather perfect response to this ridiculousness:
You said it, dog.
Footnotes:
Years back, I turned off nearly all notifications and badges on my phone, and I highly recommend it. I let texts through, along with emails from VIPs and a tiny number of other things. For everything else, I’ll get to it when I get to it. I strongly encourage everyone to give it a try. It’s a vastly better way to live your life. ↩︎
2020 is really something.
Friday, July 24th, 2020
Baseball is back. It’s back, and it’s goddamned weird. The abbreviated 2020 season kicked off with two games last night, and while they were strange for many reasons, one of the most obvious was the lack of any actual fans. Understandably, fans will not be permitted in the ballparks this season.
There is crowd noise being piped in, however, and approximately half of major league teams will also be putting representations of their fans in the stadium. This is being done with cutouts printed from fan photos. For your amusement, as well as for posterity, I recorded a comprehensive look at all of these fan cutout programs. Save this link for a few decades, then share just a bit of the weirdness of 2020 with your grandkids.
Name: Braves Country Cutouts
Cost: $50, $25 for “A-List Members” [Link]
Beneficiary: The Atlanta Braves Foundation
Additional Notes: The parenthetical in this statement is so very depressing: “Truist Park will not feel like home unless we see (photos of) your faces in the stands”.
Name: Monster Home Run Challenge
Cost: $500 [Link]
Beneficiary: The Red Sox Foundation
Additional Notes: This is by far the most expensive program in the majors, with a $500 donation only buying your cut-out 1/2 of the season.
However, the cutout will have some tremendous seats, on top of Fenway Park’s famous Green Monster. Also, if your cutout is hit by a Red Sox home run ball, you’ll win an assortment of prizes, including tickets to a 2021 ball game.
Name: FANtastic Faces
Cost: $49 [Link]
Beneficiary: Chicago White Sox Charities
Additional Notes: Chicago’s program is unique in the bigs, as the cutouts will only be in the stadium for a single home stand. White Sox fan Paul Garrett purchased 100 identical cutouts, hilariously leading to this tableau:
Name: Astros Fan Cutouts
Cost: $100 [Link]
Beneficiary: Unclear, though they list this as a “tax-deductible donation”
Additional Notes: Those who dislike the Astros should note that Houston’s program bars both “Inappropriate gestures” and “Obscene, lewd, explicit, discriminatory, derogatory, violent, offensive, infringing or otherwise inappropriate references”.
Name: Fanbassador
Cost: $40 [Link]
Beneficiary: “A portion of the proceeds will benefit the Royals Respond Fund, a Royals Charities effort that supports Kansas City area nonprofits who focus on food insecurity as it relates to the coronavirus pandemic.”
Additional Notes: It appears this program is only open to Royals season ticket holders, and initially limited to 500 people.
Name: Los Angeles Dodgers Fan Cutouts & Pups at the Park
Cost: $299 (Pavilion Home Run Seats/Dugout Club), $149 (Field Level/Loge Level), $149 (Pups at the Park (Loge Level)) [Link]
Beneficiary: “Los Angeles Dodgers Foundation, as they tackle the most pressing problems facing Los Angeles with a mission to improve education, health care, homelessness, and social justice for all Angelenos.”
Additional Notes: Of course Los Angeles, land of the purse dog, sent out a separate press release announcing the $149 option to have your dog at the ballpark. As well, the Dodgers list the fair market value of the cutout itself at $11.25.
Name: Brewers Cutout Crew
Cost: $50 [Link]
Beneficiary: Brewers Community Foundation & the Wisconsin Humane Society
Additional Notes: The photo guidelines note “A shirt color on a same color background will make you look like a floating head”, but it’s unclear if this is viewed as a negative or a positive.
Also, Milwaukee is photographing the cutouts in place so fans can see themselves, as seen below:
Name: Twins Mosaic
Cost: Free [Link]
Beneficiary: N/A
Additional Notes: The Twins aren’t doing cutouts, but will instead have a massive 53×38 foot mosaic of fan photos looking down over the field.
Name: Mets Fan Cutouts
Cost: $86 [Link]
Beneficiary: Mets Foundation
Additional Notes: The New York Mets last won a World Series 34 years ago, and their $86 pricing reflects that 1986 championship. This also appears to be the only program that requires team gear, stating “Mets gear is a must!”.
Name: Coliseum Cutouts
Cost: $89 for general fans and pets, $49 for “A’s Access” members (Unclear if pets can join A’s Access), $129 for the Left Field Foul Ball Zone, $149 for the ALS CURE Project Right Field Foul Ball Zone [Link]
Beneficiary: ALS CURE, Tony LaRussa’s Animal Rescue Foundation (ARF) & the East Bay SPCA
Additional Notes: The A’s program has a lot going on. Most notably, when a “Foul Ball Zone” cutout gets hit by a ball, the fan will receive that ball.
Of note, A’s outfielder Stephen Piscotty’s mother was stricken with ALS in 2017. Before the 2018 season, Piscotty asked for a trade to be closer to home. Rather remarkably, this was granted, with the Cardinals sending him to Oakland. Sadly, his mother passed away during the 2018 season, but he’s now honoring her by providing autographed items and balls to raise money for ALS research. Good on you, Stephen.
Name: Phillies Game Face
Cost: $40, $25 for season ticket holders [Link]
Beneficiary: “[P]roceeds benefiting Phillies charities”
Additional Notes: On opening day, healthcare workers will be honored free of charge. Details will be forthcoming on how fans can do the same for later games.
Also, in the true spirit of 2020, the incomparable Phillie Phanatic is the subject of a trademark battle, and has been redesigned. The rejiggered mascot will be at the park during games though, and thankfully, you’ll probably recognize him just fine.
Before and After
Name: Military Padres Fan Cutouts
Cost: Free [Link]
Beneficiary: N/A
Additional Notes: Initially, the team is honoring military personnel with free cutouts. Later cutouts will “follow themes that honor different groups and causes”, according to Padres President of Business Operations Erick Greupner
Name: Giants Fan Cutouts & Cutouts for a Cause
Cost: $99, free for season ticket holders who rollover their account credit to 2021 rather than taking a refund [Link]
Beneficiary: Seemingly, the San Francisco Giants themselves
Additional Notes: While nearly every other program is charitable in nature, it seems the Giants are just planning to pocket this money. They are offering fans the chance to “sit” near celebrity cutouts, while raising money for the celebrity’s cause.
Name: Mariners Seat Fleet
Cost: $30 [Link]
Beneficiary: “The Mariners will donate a portion of every purchase to non-profit organizations supporting COVID-related relief efforts in our communities.”
Additional Notes: This is the most affordable program in the bigs, and if your cutout is hit with a foul ball, you’ll get it sent to you. However, this is one of just two programs (along with the Mets) which explicitly states you will not receive your cutout at the end of the season. Then again, I don’t know what someone would actually do with a cutout of themself.
Name: Rays Fan Cutouts
Cost: $60, $40 for season ticket holders [Link]
Beneficiary: Seemingly, the Tampa Bay Rays themselves
Additional Notes: Do the Tampa Bay Rays actually have season ticket holders?
Name: DoppelRangers
Cost: $50 [Link]
Beneficiary: Texas Rangers Baseball Foundation
Additional Notes: The Texas Rangers are opening a brand-new stadium this year, and I can’t think of a worse way to do it than with no fans. On the other hand, their program has the best name, bar none.
At present, the 14 remaining teams have no cutout program. Among them, however, the Toronto Blue Jays are worth calling out specifically. That’s because they lack not just a fan cutout program, but a home ballpark in which to play.
Canada isn’t providing any exception to allow players to enter the country, and thus far, no American city has accepted the team. The baseball season has now begun, yet this poor team doesn’t even know where they’re going to play.
So yeah, this shortened 2020 baseball season in the middle of a pandemic seems like a great idea which will surely play out with no issues whatsoever.
This package has a lot going one.
Monday, July 20th, 2020
This is a “Constellation Medley” package of NatureSweet tomatoes:
Thanks to produce industry news site “AndNowUKnow”, I now know it features
“…a predetermined mix featuring the SunBursts and Glorys varieties, as well as three new tomatoes, the Jubilees, a chocolate grape tomato, and an orange grape tomato.”
Want to know more? OK!
“All these tomatoes have been bred for flavor with each answering a different calling – SunBursts are ideal for a sweet, healthy snack, the new orange grape tomato adds a burst of color and flavor to salads; while Glorys tomatoes are for cooking, Jubilees are ideal for sandwiches, and the new chocolate grape offers versatility for multiple uses.
That’s far more information about a package of tomatoes than I’ve ever received before, and yet I find myself with rather a lot of questions.
Does one single product really need two different slogans?
Sadly, I have memorial service for my dear departed grandmother coming up. Can you recommend the right tomato for this occasion?
Is that a bumblebee in the upper left, representing the pollination of tomatoes bees perform? Because it looks like a tomato that’s simply dressed up as a bumblebee.
The tomatoes themselves appear to note where I should peel, using the words “let us out”. Does the “Wash me” text thus mean I actually need to cleanse the container itself?
Has anyone ever told you that you’re rather demanding?
Frankly, I think being raised right would result in a bit more in the way of manners.
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