Previous “Ridiculous Products” posts

Ridiculous Products: Homemade Brand Ice Cream

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Readers from the Midwest may already be aware of this ridiculous product, but others may never have seen Homemade Brand Ice Cream. Nevertheless, it’s quite real.

Homemade Brand Ice Cream

Their history indicates that after over four decades as “United Dairy Farmers” ice cream, they introduced a new premium ice cream. They state that it was named Homemade “for its use of heavy levels of fresh condiments and low overrun”. Because when I think ‘homemade’, I think “low overruns”.

The site also states “the line was the result of two years of research and 32 different test formulations”. I don’t know about you, but when I’m perfecting a recipe at home, that’s about what I go through. I wear a lab coat while doing it, and I hold focus groups with neighborhood folk.

In closing, allow me to simply present the New Oxford American Dictionary definition for ‘homemade’:

Homemade Definition

Ridiculous Products: New York Spring Water

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Recently, New York City-based drug store Duane Reade started selling their own brand of bottled water. The name they chose could use a bit of work. They’re calling it “New York Spring Water”.

New York City and New York State are not known as the most sanitary places in the world, and the Hudson River has had plenty of problems with pollution. And yet here it is, New York Spring Water (pictures courtesy of friend-of-the-site Ally F.):

New York Spring Water bottle

Most bottled water is fairly stupid, of course, but it’s the marketing here which makes New York Spring Water truly ridiculous. In addition to the name, dig that catchy, incredibly defensive slogan:

It's clean. It's natural. We promise.
It’s clean. It’s natural. We promise.

Such a slogan attempts to acknowledge the negative associations and overcome them with earnestness. Sadly, earnestness and New York City go together about as well as, well, cleanliness and New York City. Nevertheless, I suppose the slogan is better than what might have been expected out of New York. After all, they could have gone with “Wadya, scared?!” or even “Just shaddup and drink it already!”.

Ridiculous Products: The Durex Variety Bowl

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Durex Fishbowl
Behold, the Durex Variety Bowl!

This preposterous purchase will give you 144 condoms, in several different varieties1, all in one convenient candy bowl. A gross of condoms. Gross. It’s quite a bargain though, as the Durex Variety Bowl costs just $29.99.

“But Paul”, I hear my male readers whining, “I’m not some sort of man-whore. How will I use all of these?”. To that I reply that perhaps you should become some sort of man-whore. Certainly any girl who sees this in your bedroom will assume as much anyway, so why not go with it? If she sticks around, you’ll enjoy carnal pleasures and possibly earn some spendin’ money while you’re at it.

Honestly though, when a girl sees this on a guy’s nightstand, won’t she be horrified? Or perhaps even worse, how about when a guy sees it on a girl’s nightstand? Hooray for safe sex and the cost savings of buying in bulk, but there are limits!

In spite of the incredible lasciviousness of this product, or possibly because of it, you may find it appealing. Perhaps you like a challenge. If you do decide to take the plunge, you’re likely to find yourself in a race against the expiration dates on these prophylactics. My advice? Spring for the express shipping. Every second counts.


Footnotes:

  1. According to Drugstore.com, they are:
       • Natural Feeling
       • Pleasure Max
       • Extra Sensitive
       • Her Sensation

    Who gets to name these things? That seems like a sweet gig. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: Virgin Condoms

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Virgin Condom

It’s tough to believe this is real, but it was brought to me direct from Indonesia, so I can vouch for it. Heck, they’ve got a website and everything. Their site will even teach you that “Manjakani” isn’t Indonesian slang for “penis” (yet), but is actually a natural extract that tightens erectile tissue layers.

And geez, did you really think it was called a “penis condom”?

That name just kills me though. Is this a niche product? Condoms for virgins? Or condoms made exclusively for intercourse with virgins? Either way, I think I’ve got a slogan for them:

Virgin: Not for long!