Previous “Ridiculous Products” posts

Save Money. Destroy Capitalism.

Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

This is a Banksy print (or more likely a Banksy-style print), which humorously depicts a line of people queued up to overpay for a t-shirt with the phrase “Destroy Capitalism” printed on it.

For reasons surpassing understanding, this print is for sale from Walmart, for a very affordable $76. It is often difficult to believe this world is real, and yet, here we are:

As seen on

$1000 Buys a Little Jewelry or a Lot of Roaches

Friday, January 29th, 2016

In the fine tradition of “rat adoption”, the Bronx Zoo is offering a special on roach naming. This Valentine’s Day, for just $10, you can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your beloved. Along with the deep satisfaction of knowing a disgusting insect has been named after them, your sweetheart will also receive a fine digital certificate suitable for printing, then later crumpling up and throwing in the recycling bin.

ALT NAME Happy Valentine’s Day, Becky. Get out while you still can.

Perhaps you’re concerned that your lovely lady or gentleman friend may fail to see the incredible romanticism inherent in this present. Fear not! Just use this statement provided by the Wildlife Conservation Society, which explains just how wonderful and thoughtful your gift truly is:

The donation made in your honor will help the Wildlife Conservation Society conserve species big and small, beautiful and damned1. And as creatures known for being resilient, resourceful, and generally quite plentiful, cockroaches are a vital and unforgettable part of our ecosystem. That’s why it’s a great honor to have one named just for you.

That’s sure to go over well. It can’t miss!

Now, you should be aware that these insects live as long as 5 years in captivity. Fortunately, if the bug outlives your relationship (and let’s face it, it probably will), you can request that your cockroach be stepped on with a boot.2


  1. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I guess even species headed for hell deserve conservation efforts, sure. But what species are “damned”, exactly, and by whom? ↩︎

  2. This is not part of the donation, and I don’t imagine they’ll actually do it, but you can always request it. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza

Friday, July 17th, 2015

A hot dog (which is so obviously not a sandwich that no debate is even required) really doesn’t belong anywhere near a pizza. Way back in the late ’90s, shortly after the rise of the cheese stuffed crust pizza, I took some sort of online survey for Pizza Hut. They asked how I would feel about a ring of hot dog meat in the crust around a pizza. Then, as now, I was disgusted. Hot dog pizza? Barvd 🙊.

Despite my vociferous objections almost two decades ago, Pizza Hut has now opted to give it a go, albeit with some modifications. While that long-ago survey proposed a circular hot dog ring tucked inside the crust the same way cheese can be, this “limited-supply” Hot Dog Bites pizza is somewhat similar to the Cheeseburger Crown Crust pizza of 2012. The new offering features a circle of pigs in a blanket surrounding the pie. It’s a horrible idea, one which the Washington Post will tell you is best avoided. Pizza Hut has a brief commercial to pitch their vile creation:1

The Hot Dog Pizza
Does that look like something you’d want to eat?

“Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza!” the commercial bellows, before combining the two foods into one abomination. The ad moves from being loud and uninspired, to truly and unintentionally hilarious. Referring to hot dogs and pizza, the commercial states that it’s:

  • Two classics, together at last.

When attempting to force a grotesque new food product down the gullets of the public, it is perhaps best not to call to mind this classic joke from The Simpsons2:

Nuts and Gum: Together at Last!

Then again, it does seem likely that Homer Simpson would approve of this creation as well.

Previously in terrible ideas from Pizza Hut: Make ‘Em An Offer They Can Refuse


  1. The commercial is archived here. ↩︎

  2. This bit can be found in the episode “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”. ↩︎

Help, I’m Trapped in a Blog Post Factory

Thursday, August 7th, 2014

You might have thought that wearable technology had reached its nadir with the dog pedometer of 2012. However, just two years later, we’ve hit a new low. Allow me to introduce you to Bondara’s “SexFit”:

The SexFit
Colors Pictured: Black & Pink. Colours [sic] Available: White & Pink.

Yes, gentleman, it’s a fitness tracker for your penis. It’s also a cock ring1 that’s equipped with Bluetooth and wifi. Why have just one type of radio wave transmitted all over your genitals when you can instead have two? In addition to stimulating a better erection, the SexFit will track you performance during sex, and provide feedback with an accompanying app:

The SexFit App

This is certainly something the world needs. After all, who doesn’t want to receive a letter grade after sex? And if you want to improve your performance, there’s no need to pull an all-nighter cramming. Just bone up with the “personal trainer vibration mode”, fellas.

It’s difficult to fathom how one might tactfully bring this into the bedroom. Women may be able to go “freshen up” but how exactly does a guy explain that he needs a moment to attach a flashing sex tracker to his penis? That’s not exactly “slipping into something more comfortable”. Lest you think that’s the most awkward part of the SexBit, however, be sure not to miss this note from their press release:

Much like other similar fitness tracker innovations, the SexFit allows the most dedicated users to share and compare their favourite [sic] sessions and impressive individual milestones with their peers on social media.

Hot damn, that’s classy!

My favorite part of all this may actually be relatively unrelated to the product itself. Have a look at the end of the URL slug on the Engadget post where I first saw this:

It may be a joke, or it may actually be a cry for help. Either way, one can’t help but feel a little sad for writer Daniel Cooper, who is no doubt wondering how it all led to this. Fortunately, covering this sort of absurdity is pretty much One Foot Tsunami’s raison d’être, so I don’t have to feel bad about it.


  1. Despite diligent research, I was unable to find a less crass term for that. Sorry, Mom. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: Bad Ass Socks

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

In this world, there are badasses. Faithful readers of this site may remember the names Nick Popovich or Hideaki Akaiwa, for instance. It seems unlikely either of those two characters would be caught dead in these socks:

Bad Ass Socks

When you’re a badass, you just don’t need to announce it to the world. The world will already know, and if not, they’ll find out soon enough.

However, boasting isn’t the biggest issue here. More problematic is the design itself. The arrow is unfortunate, particularly along with the awkward line break. Let’s look at the socks in action:

Bad Ass Socks in Action
[Photo credit: Reach The Beach Relay]

Well now, that just seems like an warning to the world: “I have a bad ass. Sorry!”.

Ridiculous Products: Quiver

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

Say hello to Quiver, the one hundred fifty dollar over-the-shoulder wine pouch from Gräf & Lantz:

The Quiver Wine Holder
“Bonjoooour”, you just know Quiver would say.

Oh, I can practically hear you now. “What a cockamamie contraption”, you scoff, “And so expensive too”. Alright, Ms. or Mr. Cocksure. How exactly do you suggest folks transport the bottle of wine they carry around town on a such a regular basis that a special contrivance seems practically de rigueur? In a bag? Under their arm? People don’t actually need to carry wine around that often? Don’t be ridiculous. As to the cost, you simply can’t put a price on convenience.

No, Quiver is clearly the optimal solution. For the spendthrift alcoholic on the go, it makes toting your wine both easy and classy. Maybe you’ve lost your driver’s license after one too many DUIs and now find yourself forced to ride a bike everywhere. Quiver to the rescue! Or perhaps you just wish to look like some kind of besotted Robin Hood. If so, order now.

In Quiver, a surplus of gray felt and a glut of belts come together in harmony to answer the question “Can’t anyone please find a way to make wine even more pretentious?”. For that, it must be applauded. Unfortunately, though it’s made to order (or perhaps because it is), Quiver is perpetually out of stock. Though the product is offered on their website, there’s at decent chance that Gräf & Lantz has never actually sold one of these amazing wine satchels. Why not be the first to purchase?

Answer: Because doing so would make you a Dave Morin-level douchebag.

Ridiculous Products: Crown Jewels Condoms

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Condoms seem to come up frequently here on One Foot Tsunami, and twice they’ve been featured as Ridiculous Products, specifically Virgin Condoms and the Durex Variety Bowl. The world of contraceptives continues to churn out the hits.

Most recently, a British prophylactic manufacturer named Crown Jewels1 has created royal wedding condoms, in special packaging commemorating the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton2.

Crown Jewels condoms

A “triumvirate” (that means 3) of these “lavishly lubed”, “regally ribbed” heritage condoms sell for about $8 a box, and includes a disturbing portrait of the couple, “as they might appear on their wedding day”.

According to the Crown Jewels press release, the product is “a unique way to remember this great British occasion” and “[a]ll at Crown Jewels have worked tirelessly to craft these heirloom quality love sheaths.

Tastelessness of this product aside, I never want to see the phrase “heirloom-quality love sheaths” again. Fortunately, Lydia Leith is making royal wedding barf bags, so our collective nausea can be contained in noble fashion.

Without question, however, the most disturbing aspect of these condoms is actually found in the fine print on the Crown Jewels page, which reads:

Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.

What the hell? What the hell is that?!


  1. Slogan: “Condoms of Distinction” ↩︎

  2. A clever title for this post might have been “Lie Back and Think of England“, except that Crown Jewels uses that as the page title on their own site. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: Four Loko

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

Four Loko Cans

Four Loko is an alcoholic energy drink, so we’re already off to a great start right there, because why wouldn’t you want to mix a downer like alcohol with an upper like caffeine? Simple math says that the two will cancel out and keep you at a safe median. Loko comes in “delicious” “flavors” like Blue Raspberry and Cranberry Lemonade, and a 23.5-ounce can will set you back less than $3. For your money, you’ll get both six servings of alcohol and the caffeine of five cups of coffee, all in something you can probably consume in under 10 minutes. [See the update at the bottom of the page for more details. -Ed.]

That doesn’t even sound like it should be legal, but for now, it is. At that price, anyone can get drunk off his ass, while maintaining the energy to stay up all night getting even drunker off his ass. Loko isn’t just for the bum who needs to get stuff done though. It’s also a big hit at college campuses, where cheap students are purchasing it with the change they find under their couch cushions.

Of course, the concoction is less popular with college administrators. Schools such as BU and Northeastern have issued warnings about it to their student bodies. Other colleges, including Central Washington University, Ramapo College, and the University of Rhode Island, have banned it outright. Judging by the empty shelves around here, however, these actions have only served to increase demand.

Phusion Projects, the company who makes Four Loko, is working to counteract this recent negative publicity. This excerpt from their “Four Facts” page, providing information about their cans, is quite revealing:

  • Our cans feature seven different warnings about the alcohol content and the need for an ID for purchase.

  • Our ABV warnings are in a font as large as the federal government will allow.

  • We were the first caffeinated alcoholic beverage company to ad “WE ID” tags to our cans.

  • Four Loko’s can colors are no brighter or more appealing than the blue, red, and green labels of established beer brands like Budweiser and Heineken.

That is some defensive writing, and only serves to make them look bad. For instance, the fact that the government limits how large you can make your ABV (Alcohol By Volume) “warnings” makes it clear that this text is actually boasting of a feature, not warning of a problem.

That said, I’m not sure how you defend a candy-flavored drink with a ridiculously high alcohol concentration which also contains caffeine that will mask the effects of alcohol consumption. There really is no safe way to drink anything but a small quantity of this stuff. Hopefully the founders are smart enough boozenessmen to save their profits now, because they’ll need them once the first lawsuits roll in.

Judging by this gem from their FAQ page, however, I have my doubts:

Are people drinking Four because of its high alcohol content?

It’s really a matter of consumer choice. Our products are just a fraction of a wide array of beverage options. In fact, stores that sell our products also offer dozens of other beverage choices – from beer to wine to spirits. Consumption of Four products accounts for less than approximately 1% of total beer consumption nationwide.

Who dodges a question on their own Frequently Asked Questions page?

Update (November 17th, 2010): I checked the math on the statement from the first paragraph, which came from this post. At 12% alcohol and 23.5 fluid ounces, Four Loko has about 2.82 fluid ounces of alcohol, which seems to be closer to four or five “standard” drinks. The caffeine content is 260 mg, which appears to be closer to around 3 cups of coffee.

Also, as evidenced by this follow-up post, that ten-minute consumption estimate was overly optimistic.

Ridiculous Products: Fireworks

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

In the past, my friend and colleague Cabel Sasser has had some great posts about ridiculous fireworks. You can give the posts from 2007, 2008, and 2009 a read. Sadly, Cabel appears to have passed away sometime last fall1, so as a tribute to him, I thought I’d share my own fireworks discoveries.

During a recent trip to West Virginia, my friend Drew and I stopped by Phantom Fireworks, just over the border in Pennsylvania. Due to bizarre state regulations, it’s legal to sell fireworks in Pennsylvania, but Pennsylvania residents may not purchase them. That means that Phantom is open only to out-of-state residents, so in addition to owning the prestigious domain, they have locations at the borders of New Jersey, Maryland, West Virginia, New York, and more.

In the United States, few things are as patriotic as blowing shit up. Indeed, fireworks share a place alongside mom and apple pie, and are enjoyed by Americans from sea to shining sea. However, having never been to a fireworks outlet before, I didn’t really know what to expect. After walking by signs warning severely against smoking and passing a fairly rigorous ID check, we gained access to several dozen aisles of absurd explosives. Here are some of the most ridiculous.

Fight Fire With Fire
Honestly, these are the worst firefighters ever.

Three Wolf Pack
A three wolf explosion – memetastic!

It’s already a tank. It doesn’t need a suffix.

Outer Space Jets
I don’t think you know how jets work.

SkyLab Missile
Ok, I’m sure you don’t know what Skylab was.

Soda Pop Fireworks
Warning: Do not attempt to drink fireworks.

Brew Haha
I enjoy how this one rips off multiple beer logos simultaneously.

Oh god, Drew, no!

US Presidents
There’s something inappropriate about using firecrackers in a salute to Abraham Lincoln, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There were many more, but one post can only contain so many explosives. If you just can’t get enough, be sure to watch Cabel’s blog, as some believe his spirit will rise each July 4th to share another year of fireworks madness.

Update (July 5th, 2010): Cabel’s spirit seems to have broken his earthly blog, but that didn’t prevent a 2010 fireworks collection. It’s good to know that you can still access Flickr from beyond the grave.


  1. Another theory is that he and his wife had a baby in the summer of 2009. Research thus far has been inconclusive. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: As Seen On TV Hat

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

This particular product is almost too ridiculous to mock. Upon first seeing it, it may be difficult to believe this actually exists. Sadly for all of us, it’s quite real.

In short, the As Seen On TV Hat is a hat (or visor!) with a shade attached to it. Insert a media player like an iPod or iPhone into the front of it, connect your headphones, and you can view your video in quiet, private comfort.

You know, when described that way, the As Seen On TV Hat doesn’t sound so bad…

The As Seen On TV Hat

Ah. Yes.

Look at that thing! It’s like something out of science-fiction. It would fit perfectly into a dystopian future where humanity is addicted to television1, oblivious to the world around them.

What sort of features does The As Seen On TV Hat have? In addition to providing the choice between a hat or a visor, there’s also the adjustable HD lens. This is more commonly known as a magnifying glass. And better yet-

No. No, I’m sorry, I have to stop. I simply can’t waste any additional words trying to detail the stupidity. Instead, allow me to simply present some pictures from their commercial. This is how they recommend using the As Seen On TV Hat.

Camping and using the As Seen On TV Hat
Avoid the wonders of nature!

At the gym, using the As Seen On TV Hat
Get noticed at the gym!

Crazy at the airport while using the As Seen On TV Hat
Laugh like a lunatic at the airport!

Using the As Seen On TV Hat at the beach!
Or just wear the world’s most ridiculous hat to the beach!

Maybe the vendors know exactly what they’re doing. Perhaps they’re trying to sell gag gifts or trick grandmothers into buying a worthless product for their iPod-loving gran-WAIT! Hang on a second!

Is this guy on their site using the As Seen On TV Hat while riding a real bike?

Man riding a real bike and using the As Seen On TV Hat

Ok, they’re in on the joke.


  1. Fine, fine, “even more addicted to television”. ↩︎