Previous “In My Inbox” posts

Explain Yourself, Groupon

Tuesday, July 19th, 2016

I just got this in my inbox today, and I feel like I’m going insane. It’s July 19th, a Tuesday:

ALT NAME

Cyber Monday is another sales holiday, one that follows Black Friday. It’s in November or early December, and as its name implies, it’s on a Monday (not a Monday and a Tuesday). What the hell are they on over at the Groupon offices? No matter what Donald Trump might lead you to believe, repeating a lie does not eventually make it true, goddammit.

Previously in Groupon Insanity: Only 163 Days Until Christmas

Very Sorry Indeed

Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

Almost exactly five years ago, I wrote about what I then believed was Pete Rose’s nadir. I discovered that he was signing baseballs which included the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball”, and worse, that these balls were being heavily discounted by Walmart. At the time, they had been marked down 37%, from $299.99 to just $189.99.

However, my inbox recently showed that it’s always possible to sink even lower, especially when Groupon is involved. The same ball now lists for just $159, and can be purchased on Groupon for just $129.99 (or from Walmart at just $125.78).

ALT NAME

As if all this didn’t make it painfully obvious, Pete Rose himself “wants you to know that he’s very sorry”.

A 13-Email Delay

Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

Thanks in part to American Airlines’ exceedingly old fleet, I recently had a rather arduous journey down to Florida. At least the airline’s cocktail napkins provide a link to information on their new planes which are surely coming any day now. Anyhow, this trip produced a wondrous collection of automated crap in my inbox. Allow me to present a new piece of art, just added to this museum’s collection:

13 AA Travel Emails“Impact” by Paul Kafasis, 2015. Mixed media.

Future American trips will now be measured by the raw number of emails they cause the airline’s mindless algorithm to spit out. For instance, my flight home was only somewhat delayed, resulting in “just” a three-email delay.

A hat-tip is required to the slightly-imitable Neven Mrgan, whose wonderful collection far surpasses this museum’s.

The Stuff of Nightmares

Tuesday, October 1st, 2013

Ultimately, this is all the fault of the Blue Man Group. That’s who I immediately blamed, anyway, when the following offer arrived in my inbox:

Voca People Offer

Yes, it’s the “Voca People”, for half price! Oh…boy. Naturally, I had to revel in my distaste, which led to viewing a larger cast photo:

Voca People Cast

I…I just want to punch so many of them. All of them, really, but especially that hammy cheeseball front and center:

Hammy Cheeseball
Right in the big, red mouth

Irrational anger aside, this really does look awful to me. And if the picture weren’t enough to scare me away, the description sure is:

Featuring more than 70 hit songs from just about every era, hilarious slapstick comedy, and vocal acrobatics unlike anything you’ve heard (think: beat box and extreme notes), Voca People is an interactive musical experience that takes a capella to a whole new level.

Say what you will about the Blue Man Group, but at least they’re not singing a cappella.

Recently Seen in My Inbox

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

An Email Announcing Tickets for Springsteen at Fenway Park

As a convenience to you, we have secured the right to provide you an advanced courtesy offering to purchase tickets before the general on-sale.

Wh—What? I’m sorry, I think I may have had a stroke while you were talking. Could you repeat that?

As a convenience to you, we have secured the right to provide you an advanced courtesy offering to purchase tickets before the general on-sale.

Oh, I see. You’re having a stroke. Well, good luck with that.

From “Teroforma”

Subject: Love Dad to the MAX

Sex spam, right? Between the sender and the “MAX”, it’s gotta be some kind of sex spam.

Whisky Stones MAX
MAX!

Nope! Whisky stones.

From GroupOn

Subject: Father’s Day deals for the man who gave birth to you

The man who gave birth to you

Biology does not work that way!

‘Fedelity’. That’s Our Word. We’re Keeping It.

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

Every so often, spam wheedles its way into my inbox. Sometimes, however, this spam can provide amusement instead of annoyance.

Spam email. Text as follows: This is to inform all our customers that we have resumed on giving out loans to the public, if you are interested in a loan service from us, reply to this mail or contact us at fedelitybnkloanservices@gmail.com. WE ARE FEDELITY.................... WE KEEP OUR WORD

This particular email would best be categorized as a pathetically weak attempt at phishing, where a malicious party poses as a legitimate company to obtain account information from those they manage to dupe.

The best phishing attempts are those which look the most authentic. They’re well-written, with proper spelling and a clear message. They often copy the name, look, and branding of a specific company. They’ll mimic the look and feel of a bona fide company as faithfully as possible. They have the highest…what’s the word?

Fidelity definition

Ah, that’s it.