Did the world really need another place to buy trash?
Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
During the Super Bowl on Sunday, an ad for “Temu” played several times.1 In it, a woman buys a flurry of products at what I can only describe as disturbingly low prices.
In 2023, a dress should really cost more than $9.
But what exactly is Temu? The ad was not clear. Is it a fast fashion site? Do they sell used items? I couldn’t figure it out, so I visited the Temu website. In a word, that was a mistake. Though the company had spent millions of dollars on advertising during America’s single biggest night of television, their site was the worst kind of spammy garbage. It had pop-up offers, flashing messages, countdown clocks, and a wide variety of very cheap and very crappy products. Once I ascertained that the company was a reseller of all manner of disposable crap, I quickly left, expecting never to return.
Now you might be thinking “Are those…bike nuts?! Truck nuts…but for a bike?”. I urge you to get your mind out of the gutter. No. Of course they are not glowing bike nuts. Perish the thought!
No, that is clearly a lovely upside-down glowing heart, and it’s just in time for Valentine’s Day. For the low, low price of $3.59, you can show your cycling sweetie how much you care, all while helping them stay safe. I can’t think of anything more romantical.
In America, cars that fail to meet minimum fuel efficiency standards are subject to additional taxation. Though inefficient automobiles are still permitted, a Gas Guzzler Tax is levied on them. This surcharge is intended to dampen the demand for these vehicles.1 I’ve always liked both the idea, and the forthright name it received.
Also in America, a Texas-based company called ViaGen Pets will take tens of thousands of your dollars and return to you a genetic copy of your animal. This clone will probably look the same as your beloved pet, though it will of course not actually be the same. In addition to the incredible expense, the process may cause pain and suffering for other animals.
“People think, ‘Oh, I’ll just press a button and out will come Fido,’ but that’s just not the case,” said Robert Klitzman, director of the masters of bioethics program at Columbia University. “So you may love Fido, but do you really want several animals to die and suffer in order to have the one healthy Fido?”
…
“I can either pay thousands of dollars to create a new pet that’s actually going to have a different history and personality,” he said. “Or maybe I could adopt an animal that would otherwise be killed in a shelter. Those are things that ethically need to be considered.”
I generally favor a light touch when it comes to regulation. I would be quite hesitant to outright outlaw most things. But perhaps we could implement a candidly-named “Stupid Tax”, for things which no one should actually do.
Footnotes:
This tax is also an attempt to encourage the development of more efficient engines. Lamentably, it does not apply to “light trucks”, which includes SUVs and pickups. As such, the effectiveness of the tax in actually improving overall fuel efficiency has been limited. ↩︎
If I never see anyone wearing one of these, I will be not at all shocked.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
My pal Rich W. has long had a gripe with appliance maker Dyson, namely that they spend massive amounts of time and energy solving relatively inconsequential problems. Perhaps most famously, they perfected the vacuum cleaner, a device whose previous incarnations already did the job pretty well. They’ve also made an assortment of over-engineered hair care products, hand dryers, and other products.
Now, they’re introducing the “Dyson Zone”. It’s a “wearable purifier” that captures air pollution. It’s a set of headphones, too, one that cancels noise. It’s filtering so much! Oh, also, it looks absolutely ridiculous:
So, what problems is Dyson trying to solve with this? From their announcement:
…the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 9 in 10 people globally breathe air that exceeds WHO guideline pollutant limits. Where NO2 pollution in cities decreased during the Covid-19 pandemic , levels have quickly returned to normal, or exceeded pre-pandemic levels across many global cities. It is estimated that more than 100 million people, around 20% of the European population, are exposed to long-term noise exposure above WHO guidance.
The world is afflicted with dirty air and too much noise. Those do seem like problems worth tackling. Perhaps we might curb pollution and work on cleaning the air at large. We might also invent quieter machinery and devices. Making the entire world a better place, that’s a noble goal.
On the other hand, that sounds like quite a lot of effort. Why not just have the wealthy go through the world wearing noise-cancelling headphones that also clean their air, but no one else’s. Hey, these weird-looking jerks had the hundreds of dollars1 necessary to buy this product. They deserve it!
Of course, they are still going to get sick from COVID-19. That’s because despite the fact that it looks like a mask, and hides your mouth like a mask, the Dyson Zone doesn’t actually function as a mask. That might seem a bit strange in the era of our global pandemic, but it’s the result of this project taking six years.
Rich might have a point.
Footnotes:
The actual retail price is unannounced, but it will surely be $200 or (much) more. ↩︎
Do curly fries and crinkle fries really have two markedly different flavors?
Thursday, November 18th, 2021
Here is a sentence which should not exist:
Follow @Arbys and be one of the first to know when Arby’s has more vodka news.
And yet, in 2021, ArbysVodka.com is a real thing that is really happening. Thanks to friends-of-the-site Kelan C. and Kim B., I am aware of this abomination. Now, I’m awakening you to the misery of our reality as well. At noon eastern today, you’ll be able to purchase a bottle of Crinkle Fry or Curly Fry vodka, for just $59.99 (shipping included). Don’t worry if you miss out, as there will be a second “drop” on Monday.
Arby’s Vodka will surely be served at the finest establishments.
Marketing in the modern era seems to consist of little more than smashing words together until you find the right “collab” to go viral on social media. Muppets and insurance! Crocs pots! Dunkin Donuts dog toys! Can you even spot the fake? Now that I’ve seeded the idea, how much longer will we even live in a world where cookware featuring brightly colored rubber handles with holes in them doesn’t exist?
Because I enjoy novelty as much as the next moron, I can’t deny that I’d try Arby’s vodka if someone had it on hand. But am I going to pay $60 a bottle for it? No. No, I am not. No one should. It shouldn’t even exist.
This idea seems to be as contagious as COVID-19 itself. Also, let's make “Trumpery” a thing.
Thursday, April 23rd, 2020
If you’ve been reading the news online, watching television, listening to the radio, or having conversations with any other human beings, you may be aware that there’s a global pandemic going on. It’s smart to take some basic safety precautions to protect yourself and others. This includes social distancing, frequent hand washing, and wearing a mask when you go out.
What you really don’t need is a fake metal finger to touch things for you. And yet, in recent days I have been shown five different variations of a “touch tool”, via ads on Instagram and other places.
These are promotional images from five different products.
Firstaball1, just how many elevator buttons is the average person pressing in a day, particularly these days? And secondaball2, has no one considered just using a knuckle?
I suspect part of the reason I’m seeing this pop up so much is that I just can’t stop clicking the ads. The first time, my sheer amazement at the stupidity of the idea compelled me to learn more. Since then, I’ve been stunned that hey, there’s a different version of the same nonsense again. The various robots working behind the scenes are undoubtedly mistaking my clicks for serious interest in this ludicrous concept.
From the $6 “Clean Key” by “Vetted Security solutions” (who also offer an optional $15 Tiger King-themed paint job) all the way up to the egregiously expensive $35 “Keychain Touch Tool” from Peel, it seems everyone is looking to cash in by making a touch tool. Three of them are even using the exact same “Clean Key” name! One claims to be “The Original Clean Key”, but much like a Ray’s Pizza in New York City, you should be skeptical.
Meanwhile, KeySmart’s version of the CleanKey has the benefit of looking sort of like a Tommy Gun:
If you get this model, you can make rat-a-tat-tat machine gun sounds as you imagine you’re blowing away the virus. You won’t be, of course, but it’s fun to pretend. Keep the change, ya filthy pathogen!
KeySmart’s site features an infomercial-style video, which included this delightfully cheesy frame:
The “As Seen On TV” production values you see should tell you a lot about what we’re dealing with here.
However, the version I’ve seen advertised most often makes a point of focusing on quality. The COVID-KEY is made by Milspin, a company which sells “high end CNC products for American patriots”. That appears to mean making accessories for motorcycles and firearms that feature all manner of trademark infringement, as well as juvenile quips like “Get McFucked”. But hey, if you need your handgun to show off the brand of chewing tobacco you favor, Milspin has you covered:
Barvd 🙊
Milspin is making their own claims to originality, urging customers not to fall for “the knock-off pre-order China made keys!”, which appears to be a jab directed at KeySmart.
Regardless of who makes it, or in what country, a touch tool remains a useless waste of time, energy, and material. The design implies you should attach it to your keychain, where you also have, ya know, keys. If you really feel the need to avoid pressing buttons, those keys themselves have you covered pretty well.
It’s true that a standard key can’t grip and pull, while these tools can. But after they do, they’re going into your pocket or purse. Unless the tool is sanitized after each use, it’s just going to serve as a possible vector for moving the virus onto your other possessions. When you reach in to pull it out again, you’re definitely getting virus all over your hands.
The idea for this trumpery3 is itself like a virus, one which has infected metal fabricators across the internet. It’s often said the great minds think alike. The proliferation of these touch tools makes it clear that dumb minds think alike as well.
Footnotes:
This is an amazing formulation I received in an email from someone for whom English was a second language. I have since adopted it for comedic purposes. ↩︎
Honestly, “secondaball” cracks me up even more, but I seldom manage to get to it in conversation. ↩︎
Unlike the two previous example this is a real word in the dictionary and everything. It has centuries of history, but I learned of it only recently. It’s a fancier way of saying “crap”:
I can’t believe “trumpery” hasn’t gotten traction in the past four years. Let’s change that! ↩︎
Unfortunately, these are too ugly to really want to wear, but they're worth a chuckle.
Friday, January 31st, 2020
For years and years, CVS has been the butt of jokes related to their absurdly long receipts. The fact that they continue to print these ridiculous monster receipts despite the widespread mockery might indicate it drives more sales. However, the fact that no other store has followed suit would seem to indicate the opposite.
The Apple Watch actually can do ’rithmatic. It just can't write or round.
Tuesday, October 8th, 2019
After posting yet another tale of my Apple Dumbwatch on October 7th, I heard from several readers who correctly guessed that my screenshot might be from earlier in the month. In fact, I’d actually taken it on October 4th. Given that, it appeared that the Activity app might actually be doing live or live-ish updates to the required per-day average. Did that explain the seemingly bad math? It turns out the answer is yes, but it also exposes several other issues. Let’s have a look.
First, I looked back at a screenshot from earlier in the day on October 4th. This was snapped at 4:02 PM:
As you can see, this says “about 79”. I had 2,236 minutes left to obtain, and 28 days (counting the 4th) remaining. How does that math check out?
2,236 minutes remaining/28 days remaining = 79.86 minutes/day
Now, 79.86 minutes per day is sort of close to “about 79”, but it really ought to be “about 80”. Also, remember that at 4 PM, the 4th is already 2/3 over.
My original image was from 10:37 PM of that same day, October 4th. Here it is again:
As you can see, I’d done some more Exercise minutes since 4 PM. I now had 2,214 minutes left to obtain, and 28 days (again, counting the 4th) remaining. The math on this actually works out to just over 79 minutes:
2,214 minutes remaining/28 days remaining = 79.07 minutes/day
That certainly is close to 79, though again, if you do 79 minutes a day, you’ll come up short. Worse, at this point the 4th was nearly over, yet it was still being counted in the averaging. That seems like a problem.
Finally, I did a check on the 7th, at 11 AM. Here, you can see that the estimate has gone up, as I’ve fallen slightly off the pace:
One more time, let’s check that math.
2,107 minutes remaining/25 days remaining = 84.28 minutes/day
As before, this is close enough to “about 84” for Apple’s purposes, at least. Clearly, Activity is doing live tracking as the month progresses, rather than just doing one calculation (2560 minutes /31 days = 82.58 minutes/day)). That’s a nice idea, but there are several obvious problems here. Specifically:
The current text fails to indicate that the estimate provided is for the remainder of the month. Something like this could be an improvement:
“Get 2560 Exercise minutes this month to earn this award. You’ve earned 453 minutes so far, so you just have 2,107 left to go. That’s about 84 Exercise minutes a day, for the rest of the month.”
That would make it much more obvious that this estimate is for the rest of the month.
Activity is counting the current day in its averaging, no matter when in the day you are. Surely at 10:37 PM, or worse, 11:59 PM, the current day should not be counted fully in the averaging.
Finally, anything over X minutes should be rounded up to X+1 minutes, to avoid ever coming up short. So, 79.8, and even 79.1, should become “about 80”.
It seems I was incorrect in maligning the Apple Watch’s math skills. However, its rounding skills could definitely do with some improvement, as well as its copyediting.
The burger-to-bun ratio on this sandwich would be terrible.
Tuesday, October 1st, 2019
Today marks the first day of October, which means it’s time to buckle down and decide what type of sexy you’ll be this Halloween.1 Will you be a sexy nurse? Perhaps a sexy pirate? You can even be a sexy Mr. Rogers.2 You know you have to be some kind of sexy, and the options are nearly limitless in the awfulness that is 2019.
New this year is a sexy Beyond Burger costume. This is problematic in multiple ways. In addition to its name likely being a trademark violation, it’s also the sexualization of a veggie burger. That’s more than a little bizarre, which I suppose pretty standard when it comes to modern costumes.
Initially, I thought the bestworst3 part of the whole thing was the headband. Multiple fake meat purveyors have had restaurants place littleflags on their burgers, to serve as a tiny form of advertising. This costume goes with the more generic “plant based” phrase, which has become incredibly trendy in 2019, but the idea is the same.
However, this implies 1) That your brain is plant-based, which sounds sort of like an insult, and 2) That there’s a massive toothpick stuck right through your skull. The latter is actually rather on-point for a proper, scary Halloween costume, so maybe this horrible idea could be redeemed with a bit of stage makeup and effects.
There’s no redeeming the actual worst part though, which is this:
I guess the thinking was that since it’s not animal meat, your ass can’t be Grade A. But like the plant based brain, this too looks like an insult to the wearer. How about “Certified: Better Than Grade A”? Or “Certified: Hot!”. Anything would be better than this. Also, your ass kind of is animal meat, when you get right down to it.
This one detail alone is almost as bad as the previously featured Bad Ass socks. The total of all of it is much worse.
This may be a new low, and even more ridiculous than the Beyond costume. It’s also deeply, deeply weird, so weird that I don’t feel I can cover it properly. To each their own, I know, but if you’re a person who finds this appealing, I don’t know what to say to you. That hairpiece is something else. ↩︎
I was torn as to which word to use here, and wound up creating a new one instead. I rather like it. ↩︎
