Welcome to Barvd.com

For the full backstory on Barvd.com, see this post. Bavrd.com is a simple redirect, showing the archives of posts containing nauseating tweets.

Submit others for consideration or just enjoy!

Ridiculous Products: Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza

Friday, July 17th, 2015

A hot dog (which is so obviously not a sandwich that no debate is even required) really doesn’t belong anywhere near a pizza. Way back in the late ’90s, shortly after the rise of the cheese stuffed crust pizza, I took some sort of online survey for Pizza Hut. They asked how I would feel about a ring of hot dog meat in the crust around a pizza. Then, as now, I was disgusted. Hot dog pizza? Barvd 🙊.

Despite my vociferous objections almost two decades ago, Pizza Hut has now opted to give it a go, albeit with some modifications. While that long-ago survey proposed a circular hot dog ring tucked inside the crust the same way cheese can be, this “limited-supply” Hot Dog Bites pizza is somewhat similar to the Cheeseburger Crown Crust pizza of 2012. The new offering features a circle of pigs in a blanket surrounding the pie. It’s a horrible idea, one which the Washington Post will tell you is best avoided. Pizza Hut has a brief commercial to pitch their vile creation:1

The Hot Dog Pizza
Does that look like something you’d want to eat?

“Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza!” the commercial bellows, before combining the two foods into one abomination. The ad moves from being loud and uninspired, to truly and unintentionally hilarious. Referring to hot dogs and pizza, the commercial states that it’s:

  • Two classics, together at last.

When attempting to force a grotesque new food product down the gullets of the public, it is perhaps best not to call to mind this classic joke from The Simpsons2:

Nuts and Gum: Together at Last!

Then again, it does seem likely that Homer Simpson would approve of this creation as well.

Previously in terrible ideas from Pizza Hut: Make ‘Em An Offer They Can Refuse


  1. The commercial is archived here. ↩︎

  2. This bit can be found in the episode “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”. ↩︎

Sounds Like a Site for Fancy STDs

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015

Here at One Foot Tsunami, we get emails. We get stacks and stacks of emails. These emails are almost entirely spam, generally asking if I’ll accept payment for a “sponsored post”. My commitment to journalistic integrity is strong, however, and you’ll never see ads masquerading as content here. At least not until these clowns start offering more money, anyhow.

Anyhow, I recently received a somewhat stranger email:


Initially, I couldn’t figure out what domain I own that’s related to “BaronVD.com”. Eventually I realized: I’m receiving this solicitation because I own Barvd.com. Yes, a domain name used to direct people to the worst of the worst in gross tweets and the like is now earning me unsolicited offers for “related domain names”.

So Theodora, I appreciate the offer, but please consider this my official notice of disinterest. Also, how the hell did you even find Barvd.com? Were you just trying assorted letter combinations? Krang!

After receiving this email, I took a peek at the actually site. It seems Theodora isn’t actually in a place to sell BaronVD.com anymore, as she let the registration lapse:


With only two hours left, the cost was $12, and there were zero bids. Hard luck!

Barvd: 2014 in Review

Thursday, February 12th, 2015

Just over a year ago, the world was introduced to the Barvd emoji. Lamentably, however, there hasn’t been an official edition of Barvd since last January. Fortunately, plenty of awful was collected since then, so let’s take a look at 2014 in unpleasantness.


Gotta figure by this point, thousands of divorced dads have accidentally sexted their daughter

Thanks, Scott! It’s always good to kick things off with a truly horrifying thought.


There are lots of sounds you don't want to hear in the next stall over, but the iPhone camera shutter is pretty high up there.

I’m not saying you should visit RateMyPoo.com, because you shouldn’t. Hell, that’s why I didn’t even make that a link. But you should be aware that a bowel movement rating site exists, and allow that fact to color your impression of humanity.


Much like the Olsen twins on Full House, the role of 'weird lump on my bathroom wall' was played by 15,000 spiders

This horrifying tweet from @heidihitschildren was a runner-up in February, and helped Scott to his second appearance here in just three months.


My sleep-mind said 'Whatever, it's fine if the cat pukes on my back, I'll clean it up later.' Luckily I woke up enough to prevent that.

The cat grosses me out, but the sleep-mind cracks me up.


Soup is a great way to eat wet meat out of a little bathtub.

Probably the worst thing about this is that it’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.


We have an intermission here, as much like in August of 2013, no one grossed me out in June of 2014. It seems like my gag reflex takes summer vacations. Ah well — moving on!


'My dad worked in a sub-zero meat locker. He said the worst thing about it was, farts would hang in the still air forever. Eight hours a day.

And now, a passage from my upcoming novel “Mumphrey’s Downfall”, set amongst the backdrop of world diplomacy and international intrigue:

  • “As soon as he said it, he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Forks and glasses clattered to the floor, and then the room fell silent. His words hung there, like a fart in the freezer.”

I am currently accepting bids from publishers.


'90 percent of hotel beds have bedbugs. But look at your own bed. It’s entirely made of bedbugs. Now look in the mirror. Yes. You are, too.

It seems 2014 was a good year for gross-out tweets about bugs.


'Almost forgot: @magnetbox's foot says Hi

I particularly like the way Michaela’s tweet does not transcribe this as a quote from the foot. Rather, it is a simple statement of fact.


I guess sushi is okay, but it makes the microwave smell terrible and by the time the fish is cooked through, the rice is overdone.

Sushi does not work that way!


Old man at urinal. Both hands on hips. Possibly prehensile penis.

Just re-reading this, I had a visceral gag. Awful, Matt, just awful.


Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig

Please allow my earlier comment, as well as @antichrista’s, to serve as a reply:

Jesus, Dude

Damn straight. Insta-Barvd of the year, is more like it. Thanks a lot, Clarko. Jesus Crist.

Closing Time

Sometimes, I stop and take stock of things. “Self,” I’ll ask, in these moments of introspection, “are you really spending time compiling all the gross things people put out there on social media?”. Yes. Yes, I am, so if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Until next time!

The Barvd Emoji

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Recently, Barvd made a triumphant disgusting return to these pages. One “winner”, @ems, asked what the icon would be for a Barvd. I hadn’t thought of it before, but emoji definitely seem like the way to go here. They’re widely available, and full of all manner of pictures. So I took the time to scan through the emoji offered by iOS 7, and I’m pleased to present the Official Barvd Emoji:

Barvd Emoji
The Official Barvd Emoji

This is technically called the “speak-no-evil monkey”, and it comes in a set with the see-no-evil and hear-no-evil monkeys: 🙈 🙉 🙊. However, on its own, this little simian definitely looks like it could be holding in some puke. Probably after reading a disgusting tweet someone posted.

So when someone says something disgusting, and you want to let them know, just send them a Barvd Monkey. They’ll get the message.

Barvd: 2013 in Review

Friday, January 17th, 2014

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I’ve been barfing ever since. Yes, this installment of Barvd is a long, long time coming. We went through all of 2013 without a proper edition of Barvd, which almost certainly explains that hole you feel in your very being. However, just because a collection wasn’t published doesn’t mean the nauseating tweets and more weren’t being collected. So, herein, a retrospective showing the most vile post of each month of 2013.


I didn't respond to a catcaller today so he blew a snot rocket at me.

Was that an expression of dismissal, or just the catcaller’s second try?


I guess we should probably change the saying to 'I’m so hungry I could eat a horse on purpose'.

Ah, horsemeat jokes. Mostly forgotten now, yes, but topical and nauseating back in February 2013. With the horsemeat scandal long past, the question is, what are you eating now?


Another one of my dad's colorful expressions, said of an unattractive person: 'he looks like he's sewn together from ballsacks.'

It’s not actually possible to sew a person together from ballsacks, but rest assured, science is working on it.


If they can do all those gross violence things to the zombies on Walking Dead, maybe we can get a zombie nip slip as well?

Despite the grossness of a zombie nipple, it’s Mr. Simpson’s hopefulness that’s truly revolting.


When Beef Wellington's on a bagel, you can eat Beef Wellington anytime!

No! No you cannot! Not in the morning, nor in the evening, nor at supper time.

Also, if you didn’t grow up in America during the 90s, this handy reference will likely help.1


@lexfri I still have flashbacks to the self-serve slushie bar there. Unattended children just sucking on the spigots. Never again.

This was referring to a Sesame Street-themed amusement park aimed at young kids, which you’d have to assume is already a super bacteria breeding ground. Kids nursing from slushie spigots, however, is beyond the pale.


'No, half lemonade half iced tea is an Arnold Palmer. A Tom Arnold is half lemonade half Hormel chili.'

A Tom Arnold would probably look pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down.


Apparently, no one triggered my gag reflex in the month of August, and that’s perhaps the most sickening thing of all. Let’s move on.


'What is it about yoga mats that just attract lint constantly?'*picks up lint**lint turns out to be a live spider*

Krang! Just reading that, I let out an involuntary yelp.


If a recipe calls for grated cheese and you don't have quite enough, don't worry! The grated knuckle will totally make up the difference.

Can the health department be called to close a kitchen in someone’s house?


My long-haired friend Tom woke up with eye pain, realized one of his hairs was wrapped around his eyeball, all the way around it.

This one is so bad, Neven actually prefaced it with a warning. I did not. Hey, you knew what you were getting in to.


Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig

There’s only thing fouler than drinking hot “special garlic dipping sauce”, and that’s eating Papa John’s in the first place.

That’s a Wrap

There you have it, “2013: The Year in Disgusting”. Who knows what the coming year holds in store for us? We shall see! If you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


  1. Archived as always. ↩︎

Barvd: December 25th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Ho Ho Ho—excuse me, little stutter there! How the time does fly, as it’s been more than five months since the last edition of Barvd. This jumbo-sized holiday edition of Barvd features a post from the new Twitter alternative App.net, and a couple sickening shots from photo-sharing social network Instagram. It’s not just tweets that have the power to make us retch. Now let’s jingle onward:

I can't even.

Eggnog and Seltzer, together at last?

Hard to tell the difference between a plate of half-finished nachos and the result of liposuction gone wrong. They even taste kinda similar.

The first line is gross enough, but it’s the second line which puts it over the top. The only way those nachos could be less appealing is with the following cheese:

Breastmilk cheese? #VeganOrNot

Ah, yes, the eternal, disgusting question.

In the tradition of PenIsland, ExpertsExchange, and PowerGenItalia, another very unfortunate URL. pic.twitter.com/GtQ6276Q

Wait for it. Waaaait for it:

Please, don't Rim a dog.

Oh god, don’t do that.

“Please take that off. You look like Pete Rose.” Since when is your wife looking like Pete Rose not sexy?

I know Amy Jane, and I actually believe she could pull off “Sexy Pete Rose”.

Writing holiday cards in the kitchen, I’m struck by the very specific fear that one of those stray pubes that somehow (despite my best efforts) ends up on the bathroom floor will drift down the hallway and into an envelope, then be mailed to a loved one.

“Merry Christmas!”, from One Foot Tsunami.

Horrifying Clown

And a truly horrifying New Year!

Submit Your Own
Seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post? Go ahead and send it on in.

Barvd: July 17th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Welcome to this year’s summer edition of Barvd. You’ve no doubt missed Barvd, because Barvd missed the spring entirely. But it’s here now, and it’s as disgusting as ever. Here we go.

A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton looks like dried blood boogers wrapped in nilla wafers - first draft Fig Newton slogan

If you’re able to stop the phrase “Dried blood boogers” from entering your mind every time you see a Newton from here on out, you’re a stronger person than I.

My nose is bleeding into my stomach so I guess I don't need to go grocery shopping today after all.

Continuing on the theme of blood as “food”, I guess?


Yeah, you’re thinking of the right ones:

Depressed Abilify Lady plus Mr. Mucus

The Depressed Abilify Lady’s hesitation is obvious, as well it might be. Mr. Mucus is, after all, a married…umm……phlegm?

Married Mr. Mucus

I just invented a diet plan where you sneeze on your food. The trick is doing it in front of people because eating your own snot is “wrong”.

It’s the quotes around “wrong” that really make this so awful.

If I ever come into a large sum of money, I'll hose it off and spend it anyway.

Ah, geez, that’s the worst thing since Ass Pennies.

Never ask for a happy ending at the end of an acupuncture session.

Oh. Oh god. Oh god. That is the least “happy ending” to Barvd ever. But with that You Look Nice Today trifecta, we’re out. Until next time.

Submit Your Own
There’s a lot of vileness to be found out there in the wild, disgusting blue yonder. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.

Barvd: February 13th, 2012 Edition

Monday, February 13th, 2012

Welcome to the first edition of Barvd (What’s Barvd?) for 2012. This is a special Valentine’s Day edition1, and just like that saccharine holiday, it makes me want to throw up. Join the fun!

I prefer creamy, but chunky isn't so bad on occasion. Hey, enough about me coughing up mucus, which kind do you hey where are you going

Sean’s admitted that sometimes he writes them just for Barvd. Even knowing that, I’m still horrified, and not just by his shameless pandering.

I just sneezed and now I'm craving tapioca pudding.

Oh…oh god. I…I don’t even know what to do with this one, you guys. Let’s just move on.

if you haven't vacuumed in a while and you drop a piece of food on the floor, don't just eat the first thing you pick up.

Well now that’s just sound advice.

'You girls get that weird pubic hair from your father.' This is why we drink at Christmas.

What I want to know is how this conversation start-actually, you know what? I don’t. I don’t wanna know.

You probably don’t think our last tweet could top this for sheer awfulness though, right?

The look in my dog's eyes tells me he loves me. The smell from his mouth tells me he's been rim jobbing a homeless person.

How woefully wrong you were. Enjoy the mental image, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Submit Your Own
The world’s an awful place, and I can’t navigate it all on my own. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.


  1. Inasmuch as it’s being published right near Valentine’s Day. ↩︎

Barvd: October 14th, 2011 Edition

Friday, October 14th, 2011

Seasons change, but the barving remains. It’s time for more from your favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Let’s get right to it.

Somebody just spammed by blog post remembering my dead father with artificial condolences linking to low-back pain bullshit. So low.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by SEO-induced vomit. And yet here I am, vomit streaming down my legs, shocked at the depths to which people will sink.

I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle.

It’s not the candle poop that’s so nauseating, it’s the candy corn. The vile, vile candy corn.

@PBones I've always said movie theater seats should come with built-in catheters.

Your humble author actually found this tweet nominated for Barvd, but the reply seen above was definitely worse. As if movie theaters aren’t disgusting enough?

Nancy Reagan: still hot.

She’s 90, and that’s disturbing. Not as disturbing as our finale though.

An intriguing recipe I saw used "blowfish milt". Hm, what's "milt", I wondered. And then I found out. And then I was no longer intrigued.

Look, I’m just going to tell you. It’s fish semen, you guys. Fish semen.

Submit Your Own
I need to go sit down for awhile and contemplate the fact that someone decided fish semen was edible. If you’ve spotted a terrible tweet, submit a link.

Barvd: July 26th, 2011 Edition

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

It’s summertime, and the barvin’s easy. Another season has come, which means it’s once again time to check in with America’s favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Today’s theme is your disgusting genitals. To go along with this theme, Barvd is now featuring bigger, more in-your-face tweet images.

Free idea: genitalsthatlooklikecarrottop.com

Hey sickos, you’re in luck – the domain is currently still available!

Either my gym shorts are too short or my pubes are too long.

When Chris Clark is at the gym, “Hey, can you spot me?” takes on a sickening new meaning.

So, my doctor had to postpone my pap smear bc she broke her elbow. I wasn't thinking she'd use her ELBOW, but um, ok. (gulp.)

If you’re a grammarian, you might find the shorthand here nauseous. Since @mrsmoltz is a former reporter, however, she gets a pass. The idea of a doctor being in up to her elbow, however, does not.

If you're not the front of the human centipede, the scenery never changes.

If you don’t know what a human centipede is, consider yourself lucky. If you do, well, you’re probably thinking that that’s not really genital-related. It’s close enough.

My friend said "I have sweat in all of my vag folds"... Ahhhh, and suddenly my problems don't seem so bad.

One Foot Tsunami already gets a lot of no-doubt-disappointed traffic for sweaty models. I guess now we’re going to get traffic for “sweaty vaginas” too, so thanks for that, @CozyMolar.

Submit Your Own
If you’ve been reduced to ralphing by a tweet, why not submit a link? But please, brush your teeth first – your breath is disgusting.