Welcome to Barvd.com

For the full backstory on Barvd.com, see this post. Bavrd.com is a simple redirect, showing the archives of posts containing nauseating tweets.

Submit others for consideration or just enjoy!

The Barvd Emoji

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Recently, Barvd made a triumphant disgusting return to these pages. One “winner”, @ems, asked what the icon would be for a Barvd. I hadn’t thought of it before, but emoji definitely seem like the way to go here. They’re widely available, and full of all manner of pictures. So I took the time to scan through the emoji offered by iOS 7, and I’m pleased to present the Official Barvd Emoji:

Barvd Emoji
The Official Barvd Emoji

This is technically called the “speak-no-evil monkey”, and it comes in a set with the see-no-evil and hear-no-evil monkeys: 🙈 🙉 🙊. However, on its own, this little simian definitely looks like it could be holding in some puke. Probably after reading a disgusting tweet someone posted.

So when someone says something disgusting, and you want to let them know, just send them a Barvd Monkey. They’ll get the message.

Barvd: 2013 in Review

Friday, January 17th, 2014

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I’ve been barfing ever since. Yes, this installment of Barvd is a long, long time coming. We went through all of 2013 without a proper edition of Barvd, which almost certainly explains that hole you feel in your very being. However, just because a collection wasn’t published doesn’t mean the nauseating tweets and more weren’t being collected. So, herein, a retrospective showing the most vile post of each month of 2013.

January

I didn't respond to a catcaller today so he blew a snot rocket at me.
@ems

Was that an expression of dismissal, or just the catcaller’s second try?

February

I guess we should probably change the saying to 'I’m so hungry I could eat a horse on purpose'.
@sween

Ah, horsemeat jokes. Mostly forgotten now, yes, but topical and nauseating back in February 2013. With the horsemeat scandal long past, the question is, what are you eating now?

March

Another one of my dad's colorful expressions, said of an unattractive person: 'he looks like he's sewn together from ballsacks.'
@mrgan

It’s not actually possible to sew a person together from ballsacks, but rest assured, science is working on it.

April

If they can do all those gross violence things to the zombies on Walking Dead, maybe we can get a zombie nip slip as well?
@scottsimpson

Despite the grossness of a zombie nipple, it’s Mr. Simpson’s hopefulness that’s truly revolting.

May

When Beef Wellington's on a bagel, you can eat Beef Wellington anytime!
@meowrey

No! No you cannot! Not in the morning, nor in the evening, nor at supper time.

Also, if you didn’t grow up in America during the 90s, this handy reference will likely help.1

June

@lexfri I still have flashbacks to the self-serve slushie bar there. Unattended children just sucking on the spigots. Never again.
@amyjane

This was referring to a Sesame Street-themed amusement park aimed at young kids, which you’d have to assume is already a super bacteria breeding ground. Kids nursing from slushie spigots, however, is beyond the pale.

July

'No, half lemonade half iced tea is an Arnold Palmer. A Tom Arnold is half lemonade half Hormel chili.'
@badbanana

A Tom Arnold would probably look pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down.

August

Apparently, no one triggered my gag reflex in the month of August, and that’s perhaps the most sickening thing of all. Let’s move on.

September

'What is it about yoga mats that just attract lint constantly?'*picks up lint**lint turns out to be a live spider*
@eyemadequiet

Krang! Just reading that, I let out an involuntary yelp.

October

If a recipe calls for grated cheese and you don't have quite enough, don't worry! The grated knuckle will totally make up the difference.
@Erin_Murph

Can the health department be called to close a kitchen in someone’s house?

November

My long-haired friend Tom woke up with eye pain, realized one of his hairs was wrapped around his eyeball, all the way around it.
@mrgan

This one is so bad, Neven actually prefaced it with a warning. I did not. Hey, you knew what you were getting in to.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@jasonpermenter

There’s only thing fouler than drinking hot “special garlic dipping sauce”, and that’s eating Papa John’s in the first place.

That’s a Wrap

There you have it, “2013: The Year in Disgusting”. Who knows what the coming year holds in store for us? We shall see! If you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.


Footnotes:

  1. Archived as always. ↩︎

Barvd: December 25th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Ho Ho Ho—excuse me, little stutter there! How the time does fly, as it’s been more than five months since the last edition of Barvd. This jumbo-sized holiday edition of Barvd features a post from the new Twitter alternative App.net, and a couple sickening shots from photo-sharing social network Instagram. It’s not just tweets that have the power to make us retch. Now let’s jingle onward:

I can't even.
@eyemadequiet

Eggnog and Seltzer, together at last?

Hard to tell the difference between a plate of half-finished nachos and the result of liposuction gone wrong. They even taste kinda similar.
@scottsimpson

The first line is gross enough, but it’s the second line which puts it over the top. The only way those nachos could be less appealing is with the following cheese:

Breastmilk cheese? #VeganOrNot
@blach

Ah, yes, the eternal, disgusting question.

In the tradition of PenIsland, ExpertsExchange, and PowerGenItalia, another very unfortunate URL. pic.twitter.com/GtQ6276Q
@stevenf

Wait for it. Waaaait for it:

Please, don't Rim a dog.

Oh god, don’t do that.

“Please take that off. You look like Pete Rose.” Since when is your wife looking like Pete Rose not sexy?
@amyjane

I know Amy Jane, and I actually believe she could pull off “Sexy Pete Rose”.

Writing holiday cards in the kitchen, I’m struck by the very specific fear that one of those stray pubes that somehow (despite my best efforts) ends up on the bathroom floor will drift down the hallway and into an envelope, then be mailed to a loved one.
@antichrista

“Merry Christmas!”, from One Foot Tsunami.

Horrifying Clown
@scottsimpson

And a truly horrifying New Year!

Submit Your Own
Seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post? Go ahead and send it on in.

Barvd: July 17th, 2012 Edition

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Welcome to this year’s summer edition of Barvd. You’ve no doubt missed Barvd, because Barvd missed the spring entirely. But it’s here now, and it’s as disgusting as ever. Here we go.

A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton looks like dried blood boogers wrapped in nilla wafers - first draft Fig Newton slogan
@sajpo

If you’re able to stop the phrase “Dried blood boogers” from entering your mind every time you see a Newton from here on out, you’re a stronger person than I.

My nose is bleeding into my stomach so I guess I don't need to go grocery shopping today after all.
@bailey

Continuing on the theme of blood as “food”, I guess?

Depressed Abilify Lady / Mucinex \
@Cabel

Yeah, you’re thinking of the right ones:

Depressed Abilify Lady plus Mr. Mucus

The Depressed Abilify Lady’s hesitation is obvious, as well it might be. Mr. Mucus is, after all, a married…umm……phlegm?

Married Mr. Mucus

I just invented a diet plan where you sneeze on your food. The trick is doing it in front of people because eating your own snot is “wrong”.
@lonelysandwich

It’s the quotes around “wrong” that really make this so awful.

If I ever come into a large sum of money, I'll hose it off and spend it anyway.
@hotdogsladies

Ah, geez, that’s the worst thing since Ass Pennies.

Never ask for a happy ending at the end of an acupuncture session.
@scottsimpson

Oh. Oh god. Oh god. That is the least “happy ending” to Barvd ever. But with that You Look Nice Today trifecta, we’re out. Until next time.

Submit Your Own
There’s a lot of vileness to be found out there in the wild, disgusting blue yonder. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.

Barvd: February 13th, 2012 Edition

Monday, February 13th, 2012

Welcome to the first edition of Barvd (What’s Barvd?) for 2012. This is a special Valentine’s Day edition1, and just like that saccharine holiday, it makes me want to throw up. Join the fun!

I prefer creamy, but chunky isn't so bad on occasion. Hey, enough about me coughing up mucus, which kind do you hey where are you going
@seanhussey

Sean’s admitted that sometimes he writes them just for Barvd. Even knowing that, I’m still horrified, and not just by his shameless pandering.

I just sneezed and now I'm craving tapioca pudding.
@justin

Oh…oh god. I…I don’t even know what to do with this one, you guys. Let’s just move on.

if you haven't vacuumed in a while and you drop a piece of food on the floor, don't just eat the first thing you pick up.
@phillygirl

Well now that’s just sound advice.

'You girls get that weird pubic hair from your father.' This is why we drink at Christmas.
@AmyJane

What I want to know is how this conversation start-actually, you know what? I don’t. I don’t wanna know.

You probably don’t think our last tweet could top this for sheer awfulness though, right?

The look in my dog's eyes tells me he loves me. The smell from his mouth tells me he's been rim jobbing a homeless person.
@samhey

How woefully wrong you were. Enjoy the mental image, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Submit Your Own
The world’s an awful place, and I can’t navigate it all on my own. If you spot an awful tweet, please be sure to submit a link.


Footnotes:

  1. Inasmuch as it’s being published right near Valentine’s Day. ↩︎

Barvd: October 14th, 2011 Edition

Friday, October 14th, 2011

Seasons change, but the barving remains. It’s time for more from your favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Let’s get right to it.

Somebody just spammed by blog post remembering my dead father with artificial condolences linking to low-back pain bullshit. So low.
@danielpunkass

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by SEO-induced vomit. And yet here I am, vomit streaming down my legs, shocked at the depths to which people will sink.

I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle.
@badbanana

It’s not the candle poop that’s so nauseating, it’s the candy corn. The vile, vile candy corn.

@PBones I've always said movie theater seats should come with built-in catheters.
@georgedick

Your humble author actually found this tweet nominated for Barvd, but the reply seen above was definitely worse. As if movie theaters aren’t disgusting enough?

Nancy Reagan: still hot.
@gruber

She’s 90, and that’s disturbing. Not as disturbing as our finale though.

An intriguing recipe I saw used "blowfish milt". Hm, what's "milt", I wondered. And then I found out. And then I was no longer intrigued.
@mrgan

Look, I’m just going to tell you. It’s fish semen, you guys. Fish semen.

Submit Your Own
I need to go sit down for awhile and contemplate the fact that someone decided fish semen was edible. If you’ve spotted a terrible tweet, submit a link.

Barvd: July 26th, 2011 Edition

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

It’s summertime, and the barvin’s easy. Another season has come, which means it’s once again time to check in with America’s favorite tweet tracker, Barvd (What’s Barvd?). Today’s theme is your disgusting genitals. To go along with this theme, Barvd is now featuring bigger, more in-your-face tweet images.

Free idea: genitalsthatlooklikecarrottop.com
@Mike_FTW

Hey sickos, you’re in luck – the domain is currently still available!

Either my gym shorts are too short or my pubes are too long.
@Clarko

When Chris Clark is at the gym, “Hey, can you spot me?” takes on a sickening new meaning.

So, my doctor had to postpone my pap smear bc she broke her elbow. I wasn't thinking she'd use her ELBOW, but um, ok. (gulp.)
@mrsmoltz

If you’re a grammarian, you might find the shorthand here nauseous. Since @mrsmoltz is a former reporter, however, she gets a pass. The idea of a doctor being in up to her elbow, however, does not.

If you're not the front of the human centipede, the scenery never changes.
@gordonshumway

If you don’t know what a human centipede is, consider yourself lucky. If you do, well, you’re probably thinking that that’s not really genital-related. It’s close enough.

My friend said "I have sweat in all of my vag folds"... Ahhhh, and suddenly my problems don't seem so bad.
@CozyMolar

One Foot Tsunami already gets a lot of no-doubt-disappointed traffic for sweaty models. I guess now we’re going to get traffic for “sweaty vaginas” too, so thanks for that, @CozyMolar.

Submit Your Own
If you’ve been reduced to ralphing by a tweet, why not submit a link? But please, brush your teeth first – your breath is disgusting.

Barvd: April 7th, 2011 Edition

Thursday, April 7th, 2011

It’s here! It’s finally here! The spring edition1 of Barvd (What’s Barvd?) has arrived, and it’s as gross as ever. This episode starts with a disgusting use of power tools, then takes a sharp turn into vile foods.

Unexpected application for hand-held power sander: removing the house's previous owner's boogers from under a built-in desk's ledge.
@marcoarment

I think if I discovered something like this in the house I’d just bought, I’d exercise my rights in the cooling-off period and cancel the sale. That, or burn the place down for the insurance money.

Yuck: I do not recommend Dairy Queen's new Meat Lover's Blizzard.
@scottsimpson

As promised, a sharp turn into vile culinary concoctions! Scott’s diseased mind is making back-to-back appearances (see February). Fortunately, this item does not exist.

My son just made himself a peanut butter, jelly, ham, and yogurt sandwich on wheat bread ends. Let me know if you want the recipe.
@seanhussey

This item, however, presumably does exist. PB & J & ham is bad. Adding yogurt to that is just a disaster.

Noah's Bagels pays tribute to hundreds of years of Jewish culinary history with their Cookies & Cream Bagel Poppers Made With Oreo® Cookies.
@cabel

This item definitely exists2, and it’s offensive to both the senses and the bagel industry at large.

Welcome aboard TriMet! Today's bus odor is: [SZECHUAN FARTS]
@stevenf

And that’s how you close out a food theme!

Submit Your Own
If you’ve spotted a horrendous tweet, wipe the vomit off your shirt and submit a link.


Footnotes:

  1. Seasonal editions of Barvd actually seems like a pretty good timetable. Then again, “whenever the hell I feel like it” is a whole lot easier schedule to keep. ↩︎

  2. Picture via “She doesn’t like it“. ↩︎

Barvd: February 7th, 2011 Edition

Monday, February 7th, 2011

Welcome to 2011’s first edition of Barvd (What’s Barvd?), where some of the most vile tweets are collected to amuse and abuse your senses. Sit down, strap in, and prepare to be disgusted!

Sometimes I think I get a new-looking DVD from Netflix because no one rents the movie and I get sad. Then I get a DVD with dead skin on it.
@swamibooba

If I’d thought about it, I guess I’d have hoped that there were some kind of cleaning robots at Netflix to clean the movies between rentals. But it seems we’re all swapping disgusting germs, and pieces of epidermis, as we swap movies.

The next generation growing up playing "TSA agent" instead of "doctor" may be the saddest part of this whole mess.
@jimray

Politics often make people sick, but political-based vomit? That’s new. And distressing.

Can -- can we hold a nationwide seminar to teach moms that 'come' isn't a word they should try to abbreviate when texting?
@_mattie

No comment – I wouldn’t touch this one with Oedipus’s dick.

After a long winter run my penis looks like one of your hamster's babies that didn't make it.
@scottsimpson

Speaking of dicks, congratulations Scott! Your cold, shriveled dead-hamster-baby penis has sickened me, and now, the world.

My toothbrush smells like a delicious cheese. Don't know whether to feel proud or disgusted.
@danielpunkass

Sometimes tweets lose their ability to nauseate over time. Like cheese, however, this one has only gotten sharper with age.

Submit Your Own
If you’ve spotted a disgusting tweet, wipe the vomit off your shirt and submit a link.

Barvd: September 28th, 2010 Edition

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

In March and April, Barvd (What’s Barvd?) was a monthly feature. However, after two arduous months of collecting and sharing the grossness, it became clear that this was simply too much vileness, too frequently. Barvd is back to being an occasional feature, but it’s here today with a double dose of disgusting to deprive you of the desire to dine.

tj Tweet
@tj

Dexter is a show depicting fairly gruesome murders by a serial killer who hunts other serial killers. There’s blood, gore, and evil. And yet, John Lithgow’s naked ass was indeed the most offensive part of season four.

samhey Tweet
@samhey

I believe the word you’re looking for is bacne. The word I’m looking for is “Bluuuurgh”.

mike)ftw Tweet
@mike_ftw

thedayhascome Tweet
@thedayhascome

Homeless people deserve the physical pleasure of sexual relations, however offensive to the senses it may be. But Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried sweating it out between the sheets? That’s got to constitute torture for anyone who has to hear it.

mikeash Tweet
@mikeash

Yes, Marvin of “Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face” face. This Marvin. Congratulations on your new baby girl though, Mike!

davidcairns Tweet
@davidcairns

Mr. Cairns is a rising star in the nascent field of pube-based comedy. He’s also no longer employed at the company where he worked when tweeting this.

antichrista Tweet
@antichrista

Which is more disgusting, the smell of burning hair, or the pun? It’s a close one.

just_alison Tweet
@just_alison

Criminy, “sweaty hospital smell”? This was just one of four nominations for Ms. Agosti, but it’s easily the winner.

clarko Tweet
@clarko

This is gross, but it’s better than pubic hair being the pubic hair of restaurant food.

Submit Your Own
Enjoy your lunch, and if you’ve spotted a disgusting tweet, submit a link.