Let’s start your Friday off squeamishly, with the tale of a poor Taiwanese woman who had four tiny bees blown into her eye, where they lived for at least a few hours off the protein of her tears. Sweat bees! Living in eyes! The world is a horrible place.
Not So Happy ∞
Just brutal!
Thursday, April 11th, 2019
“Happy Place” is a traveling “pop-up experience” that’s recently opened in Boston. From their FAQ description:
We are a massive pop-up experience in Boston that is filled with smiles, laughs, one of a kind installations, multi-sensory immersive rooms, and a whole lot of selfie moments that you don’t want to miss!
Sure, that sounds vapid, probably pointless, and perhaps even like the boiled-down essence of everything that’s wrong with social media, but it might still be fun. Let’s see what the Boston Globe thinks about this attraction, which by the way costs $32.50 per person after fees:
So this is hell. That’s the thought that kept rumbling in the back of my mind as I made my way through the slapdash innards of “Happy Place,” a grotty, tacked-together funhouse tailored to the Instagram set.
The full takedown is well-worth a read, but suffice it to say that Murray Whyte is not a fan. I suppose the headline of “‘Happy Place’ comes to Boston, and it’s hell” should have been a tip-off.
That Is Not a Thing ∞
Ask your tailor if you don't believe me.
Wednesday, April 10th, 2019
In the past year or so, Tesla CEO Elon Musk has been a rather reckless Twitter user. As a result, he’s wound up fighting with the SEC, who now wants him held in contempt for violating a settlement agreement reached back in October. Last week, this wound in court again, where Judge Alison Nathan was quoted as follows:
“My call to action is for everyone to take a deep breath, put your reasonableness pants on and work this out.”
I feel the need to state for the record that “reasonableness pants” are simply not a thing. Not literally, and not even figuratively.
Just Sell It ∞
I don't understand gamblers.
Tuesday, April 9th, 2019
Last fall, an anonymous bettor spent $1500 on a 200:1 futures bet on the Red Raiders of Texas Tech to win the men’s basketball NCAA championship. This seems like a pretty lousy bet given the odds, but as of last night, the team had made it all the way to the finals. Before the Red Raiders tipped off against Virginia, the gambler was offered a guaranteed $125,000 to sell the bet, but opted to hold on to it in the hopes of winning $300,000 with one more win from Texas Tech. Today, his bet is worth $0.
Previously in Texas Tech-related news: Things I Learned Sitting Next to Tom Brown on a Plane
Another Body in the Graveyard of Failed Football Leagues ∞
The Alliance of American Football is no more. It has ceased to be.
Monday, April 8th, 2019
The AAF, best known around these parts for its dogs, has abruptly shut down in the middle of its inaugural season. It is all very strange.
Taking Advantage of Bureaucracy ∞
Evaldas Rimasauskas may have gotten a bit greedy.
Friday, April 5th, 2019
If you’re going to invoice Google and Facebook for things you never did, maybe staying under $100 million would be advisable to avoid getting caught.
A Plague of Garfield Phones ∞
Garfield phones, poorly buried at sea
Thursday, April 4th, 2019
This is the kind of thing that makes future archaeologists believe we all worshipped an orange tabby.
Previously in amusing flotsam: Lego Beach
I Really Want to Know Why “TUNAFSH” Got Rejected ∞
Vanity plates are big and amusing business.
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019
In California, approximately a quarter of a million vanity license plates are requested each year, and a small team of bureaucrats is responsible for approving or rejecting those requests. Each applicant must include an explanation as to why they’re requesting this plate. Los Angeles Magazine has collected some of the most amusing plate requests, as well as the notes from the DMV employee who review it.
Applicant Explanation: On my way to bang your bitch
DMV Comments: What he said
Verdict: No
Come on, man, at least try! An explanation of “On my way to baby” would have worked, and almost certainly gotten this stupid plate.
Also, a side note: The article’s introduction includes this strange text:
Helpful departmental guidelines also warn reviewers to watch out for words like “pink,” “monkey,” and “muffin”—all euphemisms for vagina—along with their phallic counterparts like “knackers,” “anaconda,” and “nards.”
I have never, ever heard “monkey” used as a euphemism for vagina. Have you?
Google Really Ought to Have a Googie HQ Building ∞
Modern brands, retro-modern architecture
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2019
Googie was a futurist style of architecture from the middle of the 20th century, one I quite enjoy. Artist Win Edson redesigned several modern brands in a Googie style, and it’s a real treat to imagine.
Googie Ikea
The ‘E’ Stands for “Extremely Lame”
“5G E” is some real baloney.
Monday, April 1st, 2019
After updating my iPhone to iOS 12.2, I noticed a change in the status bar:
The iPhone’s network indicator has been updated.
Where before my phone would indicate it was on a 4G LTE network, I’m now apparently getting two whole bars of sweet, sweet “5G E”. Of course, my phone’s hardware didn’t change, nor did AT&T’s network in Boston. Instead, AT&T simply renamed their 4G LTE Advanced network to “5G E”, in an attempt to one-up their competitors without doing any actual work. The new iOS update sadly reflects this reality distortion.
Anyone who used early iPhones (or other smartphones) will likely recall the crumminess that was the EDGE network.1 That was indicated by an “E” in the status bar, an E which caused no small amount of frustrated swearing due to slow loading of information. Given this negative history, it might have been wise for AT&T to at least go with a different letter for their little con job here. Then again, tests have shown AT&T’s “5G E” is actually slower than Verizon and T-Mobile’s 4G, so maybe the allusion to EDGE is helpful.
As part of a mildly amusing April Fools’ adjacent joke, T-Mobile introduced the “Phone Booth E”.2 In the video, T-Mobile CEO John Legare takes a well-deserved shot at AT&T, stating “You know it’s real, because we tacked an “E” on the end of the name. Wow!”. Well-played, T-Mobile.
Previously in misleading iPhone status information: Have You Gotten Taller?
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