Recently, I received a letter from CVS. Mail! What fun! Here’s a look:

You know what, My Local CVS Team? You’re absolutely right. Let’s celebrate me! Why not? I’m worth it. After all, I’m extra-special. I’m sure you don’t give out <reads letter further> two 30% off coupons to just anyone.

Of course, I appreciate paying a mere 70% of overpriced downtown retail prices as much as the next city dweller. But let’s not pretend this is something more than that, CVS Boston.

For reasons beyond my understanding, I receive catalogs in the mail. Though I actively work to get off mailing lists, this seems to only slow the stream, never stop it. Recently, I received a catalog from “Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams”. After a quick Google search, I determined that that’s both a furniture company and the names of the two men who co-founded the company.

According to the company’s website, Mitchell and Bob have a shared vision, “to make the world a more comfortable place: for all”. The cover of the catalog I received seems to indicate they may also have a shared mouth:

This is, supposedly, a quote, and it’s attributed to both men. It’s got quotation marks and everything. Are we supposed to believe they said this in unison? Did they have a script in front of them, and maybe do a little count-down so they’d be in sync? The whole thing seems ridiculous.

In completely related news, Catalog Choice is a quick and handy way to reduce the amount of junk catalogs you receive, and save a few trees as well.

The US Postal Service has long been known to have utterly terrible tracking for deliveries:

In 2019, however, there’s a superior way to track packages. Google recently began providing a card showing package status when you search for a tracking number:

The results are quite good. Here’s a screenshot taken this past weekend, of a package in transit:

And here’s that same package today, after the item was delivered on Tuesday:

That’s helpful, and certainly what I hoped to find.

What I can’t understand, however, is how Google is beating USPS at their own tracking game using data USPS is giving them. It says right there, “Data provided by USPS”. And yet, here’s the same tracking number, run through USPS’s tracking page today 24 hours after the package was delivered:

Perhaps USPS provided Google with the only copy of the data.

I’ve written about this before:

But if you’re not taking fake titles for yourself whenever possible:

You’re missing out on the ways in which junk mail can bring you joy.

Yesterday, I mentioned the US Census, which will be arriving in mailboxes soon. However, you may have already received one “census”, specifically the:

2010 Congressional District Census
(Commissioned by the Republican Party)

Yes, the Republican National Committee sent out fundraising letters designed to look like the official national Census. That someone could think it was a reasonable idea to create a mock census, particularly in the year of the official Census, is bad enough. But the way this is framed¹ is absolutely bereft of even the slightest hint of human decency.

I received a later, slightly toned-down version of this “census”. It seems that complaints, either from recipients or the government itself, caused the Republicans to change things up a bit. Nevertheless, the version I received is still designed to look as official as possible:

• The outer envelope shows my congressional district, useful solely in making this appear official, as well as the instruction DO NOT DESTROY.

• The first line of the accompanying letter says “Your immediate action is required.”

• The survey itself again indicates my congressional district. It also reads * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * DO NOT DESTROY * and talks about things like “ensuring that this Registered Survey is properly accounted for”.

Was I fooled? No. Might some people be fooled? Absolutely, and that’s not good for the real Census. Fortunately, it appears the practice will be banned in the future, with even Republicans in the House realizing how heinous this really is.

Nevertheless, I filled out the survey truthfully, even the incredibly leading questions². I did have to modify the closing statement they provided for me, however. That modification is faithfully reproduced below.

Dear Chairman Steele,
I believe the principles and policies of the Republican Party are worth fighting for nearly non-existent and morally reprehensible, respectively. And I want to rebuild and refocus our Party all across the country to recruit and elect leaders that will listen to my concerns and fight for my interests. That’s why I am sending the RNC a supporting contribution snarky reply today.

Enclosed, please find my gift of: Something dense, just like you, to increase the postage cost.

I’m off to find some thin sheets of lead. They really shouldn’t have given me a postage-paid envelope.

Footnotes:

1. If you think you stomach it, you can download the full letter here. ↩︎

2. Q: Do you support the creation of a national health insurance plan that would be administered by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.?
   A: Yes. We’ve already got one called Medicare. And another called Medicaid. They work pretty damned well, you pathetic fearmongers. ↩︎