Previous “COVID-19” posts

Better Make Some More Door Desks ∞

You’d think Amazon would be better at logistics.

Friday, January 3rd, 2025

During the height of the COVID pandemic, huge swaths of people worked from home, and workers came to appreciate the fact that they didn’t need to spend hours of their lives commuting. More recently, however, many companies have attempted to force employees back to the office.

Last September, Amazon announced a plan to mandate that all corporate employees be in the office five days a week to start 2025. Now, they’ve had to backtrack, at least temporarily. The reason? They don’t have enough office space to accommodate everyone.

Tracing COVID via Sewer Pipes ∞

It’s a gross job, but apparently, somebody’s got to do it.

Friday, April 12th, 2024

So, you want to be a scientist? It’s not all glamour, Nobel Prizes, and sex with supermodels. Sometimes, it’s testing lots and lots of poop.

They chased some questionable leads. The researchers were suspicious the virus might be coming from an animal. At one point O’Connor took people from his lab to a dog park to ask dog owners for poop samples.

Wastewater testing has been a key tool in dealing with COVID, but it’s also led to interesting ethical questions.

The Human-Sized Dog Bed

In case a futon is a little too adult for you.

Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

When I saw the headline “The Human Dog Bed We Love Is on Sale Right Now”, I couldn’t resist clicking. Apparently, Wired recommends the “Plufl Human Dog Bed”, which they’ve awarded a 9/10 rating. Normally $399, this ridiculous concept is down to a mere $275 right now. That’s a deal for “Sleep Awareness Week”, of which I was previously unaware. The week, that is. Not sleep. I’m pretty familiar with that, being a human person and all. I’m not sure we need a whole week dedicated to informing people about sleep.

Anyway, here is one of Plufl’s promotional images:

A human (and a dog) lying in a large human-sized dog bed
Can dogs go in the human-sized dog bed?

At three feet wide and over five feet long, the Plufl is certainly not small. Who has space for this massive thing in their house? At best, I could imagine it in a kid’s play area, like the furnished basement of a McMansion. It would still be goofy, but fine, kids like dumb things. Plufl has other ideas:

A human-sized dog bed in the middle of an otherwise normal living room

That is in the middle of the living room! Just imagine having people over. You’re sitting around, having a chat, and someone is just snoozing at your feet in this absurd human dog bed. Also, you have no place to put drinks or crudités, because the Plufl has replaced your coffee table.

At present, Plufl’s site says the product is “loved by 11,364+ households”. If I ever find myself in one of them, I will not be able to keep a straight face.

Just Hook It to His Veins ∞

What’s the worst that could have happened?

Wednesday, November 8th, 2023

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of one of the most absurd moments in all of modern politics, the infamous Four Seasons Total Shitshow. Today, I saw an article about what could have been another such moment. Apparently, back in 2020, then-Prime Minister of England Boris Johnson had the novel idea of being injected with COVID on television. The timelines where that occurred are surely interesting ones.

The Eight Most Terrifying Words in the English Language

“I’m from Amazon, and I’m here to help.”

Friday, October 27th, 2023

The healthcare system in America has some major problems. For interesting but unfortunate historical reasons, it’s needlessly tied to employment, so that if you lose your job you’re very likely also losing your healthcare coverage. It’s for-profit, which is no small reasons why medical expenses are one of America’s leading causes of bankruptcy. And it’s terribly difficult to navigate, with rules and regulations that lead people to feel lost.

Given all that, you might be down on the state of American medicine. But don’t worry. Amazon is here to fix it.

An email touting Amazon Clinic

I particularly love their list of things I might be worried about. COVID…my penis……or looking old. Yup, those are the important ones!

Molly Seidel Kicks Ass ∞

“(Except, uh, then she set the American course record, so…)”

Monday, October 9th, 2023

Yesterday, all-around bad-ass Molly Seidel toed the line for her first marathon in a year and a half. She had an impressive race, finishing in 8th place among women, and setting a new personal best of 2:23:07.1 That’s 5:28 per mile, for over 26 straight miles.

In February 2020, just before the pandemic, Seidel ran her very first marathon. It just so happened to be the US Olympics Trials, and her stunning second-place finish netted her a spot on the US Olympic team. A year later, when the COVID-delayed Olympics were finally held in Tokyo, Seidel again shocked the world by taking home the bronze medal. Since she literally roared across that finish line, Molly Seidel has found herself in the spotlight, amassing hundreds of thousands of followers on social media and a place in the hearts of countless runners.2

That’s all incredible, and yet these exceptional results are not the reason Seidel kicks ass. She should be feted instead for her willingness to bare herself before the world. Shortly before her Chicago race, Runner’s World published a tremendous profile on Molly Seidel. She’s been open about her substantial mental health struggles, which she delved into in that piece.

“I’m this incredibly flawed person who struggles so much. I think: How could I have won this thing when I’m so flawed? I look at all the people around me, all these accomplished people who have their shit together, and I’m like, ‘one of these things is not like the other,’” she says, taking a sip of her flat white. “I was literally in the Olympic Village thinking: Everybody is probably looking at me wondering: Why the hell is she here?”

They weren’t. They don’t. She knows that.

And yet her mind races as fast as she does. It takes up So. Much. Space. When she’s running, though, the noise disappears. She’s not Olympic Molly or Eating Disorder Molly, she’s not even, really, Runner Molly. “When I’m running,” she says, “I’m the most authentic version of myself.”

I’ve felt fortunate to see Seidel as we both ran around Boston, and to share a few words with her at the Falmouth Road Race. She’s an incredible inspiration, and as the wise folks at Puma know, that will remain true even if she never places again. Do yourself a favor, and read Rachel Levin’s article.

Footnotes:

  1. It was a hell of a day in Chicago, with records falling across multiple categories. Most notably, the new men’s marathon world record belongs to Kelvin Kiptum, whose blazing fast 2:00:35 cut 34 seconds off Eliud Kipchoge’s previous record. That’s 4:36s. Someone’s going to break 2 hours in an official race soon, and it’s going to be incredible.↩︎

  2. That inspiring video is archived here. ↩︎

The Email of Three Lies

“That’s not a twist-off…”

Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Harvard University sits in the middle of Cambridge, just across the river from Boston. One of the most well-known landmarks on campus is this sculpture of John Harvard:

The “John Harvard” statue[Photo credit: dog97209]

Except, well, it isn’t a sculpture of John Harvard at all. It’s often referred to as the “statue of three lies” because:

  • 1. It’s not a representation of John Harvard.

  • 2. It lists John Harvard as “Founder”, though he was not.

  • 3. It lists the school’s founding as 1638, rather than the correct 1636.

The reason for the first lie is that no one knows what John Harvard looked like. As for the other two fallacies, I’ve no idea why they’ve remained for nearly a century and a half. At least it makes for good tour guide fodder.

I was reminded of this goofy statue thanks to the following email from CVS:

An email from CVS stating “The updated COVID-19 vaccine is here! Oh, and it’s free.”

Somewhat coincidentally, the email arrived shortly before a vaccine appointment I had already scheduled at a nearby CVS location. Though I was a bit concerned about that asterisk on the word “free”, I figured I’d give it a go. Just a few minutes after receiving this email, I biked over to CVS and checked in at the pharmacy desk.

Now, I will note that on the plus side, I did not have to pay for the vaccine. However, that was because I didn’t get immunized at all. The clerk told me all COVID vaccine appointments had been cancelled, because they had not yet received any supply.1

Back at home and sadly unstabbed, I glanced at the email again. That’s when I was reminded of the aforementioned John Harvard statue. You see, this email is false in multiple ways. Like the statue, it features its own trio of tarradiddles. Firstaball, the updated COVID-19 vaccine is, in fact, not here! It’s not here at all, and that’s a problem. Secondaball, the vaccine may or may not be free, as many people have had issues with getting insurance coverage. To their credit, they did at least put a caveat on that. But thirdaball?

That patient’s right arm really does not look like it matches her body. I don’t know if it’s a bad Photoshop, bad lighting, or what, but despite the nail polish and rings, that looks like a (possibly severed) man’s arm draped across her chest.

Footnotes:

  1. She also asked me “Did you get a text?”. I could only stare back as I bit my tongue against the snarky responses that sprang to mind. After all, it was CVS’s system that failed to alert me, and that probably wasn’t her fault. But no, no I did not get a text telling me my appointment was cancelled. If I had, I would not have shown up for said appointment. ↩︎

Please Scream Inside Your Heart ∞

I usually do.

Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

I don’t know why I didn’t write about the following story back when it first appeared. I was aware of it, and it seems a perfect fit for OFT, yet somehow it never made it onto the site. Today, I rectify that mistake.

In July of 2020, we were still near the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Worse, we didn’t yet have any vaccines to stem the spread of the virus. Unlike many businesses at that time, the Fuji-Q Highland amusement park in Japan was open, and they wanted to encourage safe practices when going on roller coasters.

“Please scream inside your heart,” and not out loud, the park is asking. The unusual ask is meant to reduce the risk of spreading the coronavirus.

“Please scream inside your heart”! It’s good advice for a pandemic, sure. But in our era of modern horrors, I find it can apply at almost any time.

The company also put together a video clip demonstrating the technique, featuring two well-dressed men in masks stoically riding an entire circuit of a roller coaster. From start to finish, it is a work of art:

Two men, in masks, riding a roller coaster with minimal emotion
Just out for a little ride

Almost three years later, I still think about this story. I think it’s timeless enough to be worth posting even now.

That Is Not a Large Hole ∞

No disrepect intended, Itoh.

Friday, February 10th, 2023

In February 2021, a gibbon by the name of Momo gave birth, despite living alone in her enclosure in a Japanese zoo. Two years later, the mystery of her seemingly miraculous pregnancy has been solved. It seems her enclosure wasn’t quite as isolated as zookeepers thought.

According to Wikipedia, multiple health agencies suggested sex along these lines during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Good on these gibbons for listening to guidelines and practicing healthy sex.

An Awful Way to Profit ∞

Don’t invest in a dying industry.

Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

During the height of COVID-19 in America, companies like Netflix, Zoom, and Peloton saw the values of their stocks soar. It was a bit grotesque for investors to reap profits resulting from a pandemic, but that was nothing compared to the increase recently seen in the stock price of China’s largest funeral services company.

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