I have a lot of questions about this story of dozens of Taiwanese people changing their last name to “salmon” in order to get free food.

Questions about this strange Taiwanese all-you-can-eat sushi promotion

• Just how little work is it to change your name in Taiwan?

• How did the government decide that the number of allowable name changes would be three?

• After a name change, how quickly can you obtain a new ID, with your new fish-based name?

• Would former Major Leaguer Tim Salmon qualify for this promotion?

• The promotion provides “an all-you-can-eat sushi meal along with five friends”. Does that mean the name-changer gets free food, provided they bring five paying friends (rather steep)? Or that up to six people, including the name-changer, get free food (rather bad business)?

• When you’re done with this foolishness, do you change back immediately, thereby leaving yourself with just one more name change available? Or do you rock the salmon name for awhile, so you have two more changes remaining?

At a glance, this promotion seems to be poorly thought out on many fronts. Then again, it’s now leading to a ton of free press. On the third hand, the aforelinked article doesn’t even mention the chain (“Sushiro”) that offered this promotion by name.

Regardless, I’m glad they did it, because it adds to the weirdness of the world in a wonderful way.

This is a “Constellation Medley” package of NatureSweet tomatoes:

Thanks to produce industry news site “AndNowUKnow”, I now know it features

“…a predetermined mix featuring the SunBursts and Glorys varieties, as well as three new tomatoes, the Jubilees, a chocolate grape tomato, and an orange grape tomato.”

Want to know more? OK!

“All these tomatoes have been bred for flavor with each answering a different calling – SunBursts are ideal for a sweet, healthy snack, the new orange grape tomato adds a burst of color and flavor to salads; while Glorys tomatoes are for cooking, Jubilees are ideal for sandwiches, and the new chocolate grape offers versatility for multiple uses.

That’s far more information about a package of tomatoes than I’ve ever received before, and yet I find myself with rather a lot of questions.

Questions for this package of tomatoes

• Does one single product really need two different slogans?

• Sadly, I have memorial service for my dear departed grandmother coming up. Can you recommend the right tomato for this occasion?

• Is that a bumblebee in the upper left, representing the pollination of tomatoes bees perform? Because it looks like a tomato that’s simply dressed up as a bumblebee.

• The tomatoes themselves appear to note where I should peel, using the words “let us out”. Does the “Wash me” text thus mean I actually need to cleanse the container itself?

• Has anyone ever told you that you’re rather demanding?

Frankly, I think being raised right would result in a bit more in the way of manners.

Behold, the greatest Instagram ad I’ve yet seen:

Like you, I have questions about this ad.

Questions for Rosenbauer US About This Ad for a Fire Truck:

• What list did I get on to receive this ad?

• A follow-up, how can I make sure I’m never, ever taken off of said list? Is tapping the ad repeatedly enough?

• Can private citizens actually purchase fire trucks?

• What in the world does “Your first due is your most important message to battle” mean?

• Is your marketing copywriter having a stroke? Quick, dispatch one of your emergency vehicles!

• Do fire trucks actually need to advertise? How much competition is there in this space?

• Let’s assume fire truck manufacturers do need to advertise. Are Instagram ads really an effective way to reach customers?

• Wait a minute, is this the result of all my research on the yellow Multipurpose Machine?

Anyhow, keep an eye out for me speeding down the streets of Boston in my brand-new fire engine this Christmas. I’ll be the one who doesn’t actually stop for any emergencies.

On a recent trip on the subway, I saw someone with a Christmas gift bag that made me very confused. I snapped a quick pic, but I didn’t want to be a total creeper, so it’s not great:

It’s blurry, but you should still be able to make out the fact that Santa’s sleigh is being pulled by 12, count them, 12 reindeer. I had to find out more.

Realizing that my subway stop was very close to a Paper Source store, I was able to find the product in question. Here’s a better picture of their “Snow Covered Street” bag:

As a result, I now have some questions for Paper Source.

Questions for Paper Source About These “Snow Covered Street Medium Gift Bags”:

• Just how many reindeer do you think there are? We know the answer, and the answer is eight. We know all of their names. Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Comet, Donner, and Blitzen. Eight.

• Are you counting Rudolph? Alright, then it’s nine.

• Would you like help getting to ten? Fine. I’ve also heard of “Olive”, as in 🎶 Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names 🎶. It requires some clever/awful wordplay, but we’ll let you have it. Even with those two additions, you reach only a very shaky ten. As well, it’d mean you’ve got Rudolph in-line (rather than leading the pack), and without his distinguishing feature.

• So, what are the names of the other two reindeer? I’ll say they’re “Madison” and “Logan”. Let’s go with some trendy-ass names for these ridiculous, superfluous reindeer.

• Isn’t it likely that the average gift weight has decreased in recent years? Solid wood was replaced by plastics, and electronics have gotten smaller and lighter every year. Given that, Santa’s sleigh has surely gotten lighter. Is Santa now using more reindeer even as less energy is required, in some sort of make-work job scenario?

• Alternately, has Santa recently gained weight, like so many people? And as a result, are more magical flying reindeer necessary to get the sleigh off the ground?

In closing, those reindeer lack antlers and kind of look like dogs.

As I skimmed through the listing for a stamp roll dispenser on Amazon, I came upon this question and answer pair:

This incredibly useless reply from “Magaly” has been cracking me up ever since. They managed to cram three typos into just four words, which is worse even than this previous train wreck. I have many questions.

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL AMAZON USER “MAGALY”

• Why in the world did you bother replying?

• Are you aware that it’s not mandatory for you to fill all empty text boxes on the web?

• How did you manage to type an “í” instead of an “I”?

• Isn’t it fun to pronounce this emphatically, as “Eee dont now!”?

• Does a missing period count as a typo? If so, we’ve got four typos in four words.

Man, they really nailed that comma, though.

Previously in stupid Amazon things: This Is Not Helpful, Amazon

Earlier this week, the holiday season really kicked off, as my podcasting cohort Amy sent a seasonal floral arrangement my way. Perhaps in retaliation for the carpet-bombing of celebrity photos she received from me, she sent the “Santa Paws and His Best Reindeer™”, from the 1-800-Flowers “A-DOG-able®” collection. I did not answer the door bell when it rang, because honestly, who rings a door bell? Savages, that’s who. Anyhow, the delivery person opted to just leave these poor dogs in the snow.

I immediately shared it with the world via Instagram, because it’s…really something.

Really Something

However, this remarkable gift has left me pondering many things.

Seven Questions About “Santa Paws and His Best Reindeer”

• Just how far from the original word, “adorable” can you get and have it still be acceptable? Whatever the answer, 1-800-Flowers is well past that point.

• The dogs sit in a wicker basket, and inside is just a foam floral block soaked in water. Thus, the bottom of the basket is sopping wet. What exactly am I supposed to do here? Is this a tub arrangement? “Oh, you can’t use the downstairs shower, the flower dogs are in there”.

• What year is it? Amy attempted to instruct me to “[p]lease save the dog’s glasses”. Here’s how that poor apostrophe was mangled:

  
  
  “Please save the Doga S glasses”

• What the hell makes this one Santa’s “best” reindeer, anyway?

• Is the reindeer a flower dog dressed as a reindeer, or is it just a flower reindeer?

• Hang on. What the hell is Amy planning to do with these dog glasses, anyway?

• Can you believe this is someone’s job?

I, for one, can not.