Previous “Questions” posts

First 9-9-9, Then 9-1-1

And after that, a personal injury attorney.

Today is opening day for the 2026 MLB season, so let’s talk baseball. Actually, let’s talk food and drink at the ballgame, and the 9-9-9 challenge. This feat requires you to consume 9 hot dogs and slug back 9 beers within the 9 innings of a baseball game. It sounds both awful and incredibly expensive, so naturally, it’s quite popular.

The earliest reference to the challenge that I’ve found is a site called 999AllStar.com, which is sadly no longer online. Fortunately for us all, the invaluable Internet Archive has captures of the site back to 2004. They provide a delightful look into the past, and the site’s Rules page is particularly noteworthy. It contained a thematically appropriate nine rules, including:

  • Rule #2: You must have a designated driver to attempt the…Challenge.

  • Rule #4: One beer must equal a minimum of 12oz.

More on those in a moment.

While 999AllStar.com may be dead, the 9-9-9 challenge is more popular than ever. In fact, in the past year, it’s gone corporate. During the 2025 postseason, food service vendor Aramark sold an official 9-9-9 challenge box for Philadelphia Phillies games at Citizens Bank Park.

A 9-9-9 Challenge Box from 2025
[Photo credit: Aramark]

In 2026, the company is expanding the package to five additional ballparks.1 The offering is even being promoted by MLB itself.

Naturally, this called for a celebrity pitchman. Who better than hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut to sidle into Oracle Park, slap on a poorly made Aramark jersey, and scarf some encased meat while chugging beers?

Joey Chestnut before eating and drinking
Before
[Photo credit: Aramark]

Joey Chestnut eating a mini hot dog
During
[Photo credit: Aramark]

Joey Chestnut after eating 70.5 hot dogs and buns, in a photo that
After…a very different event, demonstrating “The Agony of Victory

The above promotional photos show full-sized 12 ounce beer cans, but you can see that the actual serving glasses are rather small. Aramark states that their pre-packaged version of the challenge features nine “mini hot dogs”, as well as nine “flight‑sized” beers. I have been unable to determine exactly what that means, except that they’ve watered down the whole thing and broken rule #4. Both I and the Amarillo Sod Poodles know shenanigans when we see ’em.

The reasons for this bastardization are obvious enough, but the promotion still leaves me with a lot of questions.

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT ARAMARK’S 9-9-9 CHALLENGE

  • Do they serve you all the dogs and beers at once?

    It sure seems like it, so I hope you’re ready to enjoy some cold dogs and warm beers after about inning number four.

  • What’s the total calorie count on this package?

    Even if “mini” means half-sized, that might be 1000-1500 calories for the hot dogs. Add in another 500-1000 calories for the beers.

  • Do they stop selling it after the first inning?

    Probably not. So just how close to the end of the game do you think you can buy nine beers at once?

  • Do you get to select your beer?

    Also probably not, though surprisingly, Coors Field does sell many non-Coors beers. That even includes arch-rival Budweiser.

  • Can you at least select a non-alcoholic beer?

    Hey, teetotalers deserve the chance to overdose on sodium and nitrates too.

  • Do you get to keep the glasses?

    I imagine you do. I cannot imagine what the hell a person does with nine miniature beer glasses branded with the logo of a single baseball team, adorable though they may be.

  • Just how much does this all cost?

    Whatever it is, it’s too much.

Given the newly commercial nature of the 9-9-9 challenge, the folks behind the defunct 999AllStar.com really ought to consider making it refunct.2 I doubt they sold much merchandise back in the day, but in 2026, they could clean up. Who wouldn’t want to wear this lovely t-shirt?

A shirt that details the challenge
Or, ya know, one with a better design.

You can take a gander at their old Merch page, but because it was 2004 and bandwidth hadn’t been invented yet, the images on it are hilariously small. If you squint, you may be able to make out the other items they had for sale, which included a baseball hat, a BBQ apron, and a baby bib. More than two decades on, I can still recognize the stink of CafePress. I’m shocked they weren’t selling thongs, too.

Anyhow, as a grassroots stunt invented by fans, the 9-9-9 challenge was good-if-inadvisable fun. I’m quite surprised to see a business getting in on it, however, even a business that makes its money selling food and drinks. They may have shrunk the portions, but it’s still some very excessive consumption.

Given MLB’s successful efforts to speed up the game, it seems particularly unwise to encourage fans to down nine beers, “flight-sized” though they may be. Unlike 999AllStar.com, Aramark has no rule requiring a designated driver. I punched some fuzzy numbers into several different BAC calculators, and they all showed that most people who complete this challenge would still be over America’s .08% legal limit to drive at the end of an average length game. But hey, maybe those tiny hot dog buns will soak up some of that alcohol.3

I’m calling it now. In a year or three, I’ll be here reporting on a wrongful death lawsuit against Aramark. When that time comes, the only surprise will be whether it relates to drunk driving, choking, or a heart attack.


Update (March 26, 2026): Then again, maybe it’ll be a class action lawsuit for deceptive advertising.


Footnotes:

  1. In addition to Citizens Bank Park (Phillies):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    you’ll find Aramark’s 9-9-9 challenge package at Citi Field (Mets):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    Coors Field (Rockies):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    Daikin Park (Astros):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    Kauffman Stadium (Royals):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    and Oracle Park (Giants):

    A 9-9-9 Challenge Box
    [Photo credit: Aramark]

    These promotional images were edited down from massive 30+ meg files which Aramark provided via Dropbox. I am delighted to think about someone staging this little tableau for a team, replete with a napkin of the proper color, then resetting the entire arrangement five more times. The least I could do was to include all six delightful images here.

    I’m afraid I must issue two demerits, however, because the Mets and the Astros images contain 10 beers, rather than 9. MLB’s social media post for this even notably excludes those two clubs. ↩︎

  2. A hat tip to my friends Todd R. and Rich W., who played bass and drums respectively in the late-aughts Cambridge band “Refunct” that inspired this dumb joke. Click here to stream a track. ↩︎

  3. Because my high school driver’s ed class needed to fulfill the “health” portion of the state-mandated curriculum, it contained a fair amount of information about alcohol. The intent was to discourage drunk driving, which is laudable. Still, our teacher Mr. Wilkinson was fully aware that many students were going to imbibe, so he shared the sage recommendation to avoid doing so on an empty stomach. His counsel was along the lines of “Eat some bread to slow things down”. It’s not the worst advice. ↩︎

Bad Look, Texas Tech

Flat-earthers do not, in fact, have some valid points.

I have a whole lot of follow-up questions about this.

Questions I have after hearing Texas Tech Defensive Back Tyler Owens say he “doesn’t believe in space”

  • How, exactly, does one “not believe in space”? What does that mean?

  • What does Owens believe happens when you get 60 miles above the earth?

  • How does Owens think satellite radio works? Satellite TV? Satellite internet?

  • What would the point of this conspiracy be?

  • What exactly is “University Studies”, Owens’s major? Oh, sure, I know Texas Tech says “University Studies is an interdisciplinary major that encourages integrative learning and fosters new areas of learning and discovery by facilitating student learning across department and college boundaries”, but that’s meaningless.

  • What are the academic requirements for student athletes at Texas Tech?

  • Are there any?

I also find myself wondering what my old friend Tom Brown thinks about this embarrassment.

Why Gerald Ford?

Per Futurama, we do know that Ford has never felt voting to be all that essential to the process.

This morning, my pal Amy Jane pointed me to a tidbit from a mostly-unrelated story about one of Donald Trump’s many lawyers, Evan Corcoran. Please enjoy this peculiar image:

[W]hile sitting together in Trump’s office, in front of a Norman Rockwell-style painting depicting Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, Bill Clinton and Trump playing poker…

I am fascinated by the idea of this painting, and boy do I have questions.

Questions about a bizarre painting purportedly showing Donald Trump playing poker with Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, and Bill Clinton

  • Has Donald Trump ever played poker in his life? Do you imagine that he thinks he can play poker?

  • Can you conceive of a worse poker player than Donald Trump? Keep in mind that bluffing is a strategic maneuver, different from simply lying about reality.

  • Why Gerald Ford?! Even with Republicans turning on and abandoning Reagan, and despite the fact that Trump continues to harbor an epically pathetic grudge against Hillary Clinton, I find Ford to be the absolute oddest inclusion at this imaginary table.

  • Is it because the only thing possibly more ridiculous than being elected President while not receiving a majority, or even a plurality, of the votes, is attaining the office without anyone outside of Michigan ever voting for you?

  • Was this painting commissioned by Trump? Was it an unrequested gift?

  • May I see this painting?

After a bit of searching for a picture of this ridiculousness, I suspect the description is wrong, and that the real painting contains no Clinton at all. It seems likely that the work in question was instead this painting by an artist named Andy Thomas, which was notably mocked a few years back. That piece includes Gerald Ford solely because he is a Republican president. Hell, even Coolidge is in there!

If there really is a painting of Trump playing poker with Clinton, I want to see it. For now, however, my bet is that the details got lost in the shuffle.

Salmon Chaos

Perverse incentives are often fun.

I have a lot of questions about this story of dozens of Taiwanese people changing their last name to “salmon” in order to get free food.

Questions about this strange Taiwanese all-you-can-eat sushi promotion

  • Just how little work is it to change your name in Taiwan?

  • How did the government decide that the number of allowable name changes would be three?

  • After a name change, how quickly can you obtain a new ID, with your new fish-based name?

  • Would former Major Leaguer Tim Salmon qualify for this promotion?

  • The promotion provides “an all-you-can-eat sushi meal along with five friends”. Does that mean the name-changer gets free food, provided they bring five paying friends (rather steep)? Or that up to six people, including the name-changer, get free food (rather bad business)?

  • When you’re done with this foolishness, do you change back immediately, thereby leaving yourself with just one more name change available? Or do you rock the salmon name for awhile, so you have two more changes remaining?

  • At a glance, this promotion seems to be poorly thought out on many fronts. Then again, it’s now leading to a ton of free press. On the third hand, the aforelinked article doesn’t even mention the chain (“Sushiro”) that offered this promotion by name.

    Regardless, I’m glad they did it, because it adds to the weirdness of the world in a wonderful way.

Too Many Slogans

This package has a lot going one.

This is a “Constellation Medley” package of NatureSweet tomatoes:

Thanks to produce industry news site “AndNowUKnow”, I now know it features

“…a predetermined mix featuring the SunBursts and Glorys varieties, as well as three new tomatoes, the Jubilees, a chocolate grape tomato, and an orange grape tomato.”

Want to know more? OK!

“All these tomatoes have been bred for flavor with each answering a different calling – SunBursts are ideal for a sweet, healthy snack, the new orange grape tomato adds a burst of color and flavor to salads; while Glorys tomatoes are for cooking, Jubilees are ideal for sandwiches, and the new chocolate grape offers versatility for multiple uses.

That’s far more information about a package of tomatoes than I’ve ever received before, and yet I find myself with rather a lot of questions.

Questions for this package of tomatoes

  • Does one single product really need two different slogans?

  • Sadly, I have memorial service for my dear departed grandmother coming up. Can you recommend the right tomato for this occasion?

  • Is that a bumblebee in the upper left, representing the pollination of tomatoes bees perform? Because it looks like a tomato that’s simply dressed up as a bumblebee.

  • The tomatoes themselves appear to note where I should peel, using the words “let us out”. Does the “Wash me” text thus mean I actually need to cleanse the container itself?

  • Has anyone ever told you that you’re rather demanding?

Frankly, I think being raised right would result in a bit more in the way of manners.

Purchasing My Very Own Custom Pumper

I am pumped about this pumper!

Behold, the greatest Instagram ad I’ve yet seen:

Like you, I have questions about this ad.

Questions for Rosenbauer US About This Ad for a Fire Truck:

  • What list did I get on to receive this ad?

  • A follow-up, how can I make sure I’m never, ever taken off of said list? Is tapping the ad repeatedly enough?

  • Can private citizens actually purchase fire trucks?

  • What in the world does “Your first due is your most important message to battle” mean?

  • Is your marketing copywriter having a stroke? Quick, dispatch one of your emergency vehicles!

  • Do fire trucks actually need to advertise? How much competition is there in this space?

  • Let’s assume fire truck manufacturers do need to advertise. Are Instagram ads really an effective way to reach customers?

  • Wait a minute, is this the result of all my research on the yellow Multipurpose Machine?

Anyhow, keep an eye out for me speeding down the streets of Boston in my brand-new fire engine this Christmas. I’ll be the one who doesn’t actually stop for any emergencies.

Madison, the Superfluous Reindeer

Get your lowercase G together, Paper Source!

On a recent trip on the subway, I saw someone with a Christmas gift bag that made me very confused. I snapped a quick pic, but I didn’t want to be a total creeper, so it’s not great:

It’s blurry, but you should still be able to make out the fact that Santa’s sleigh is being pulled by 12, count them, 12 reindeer. I had to find out more.

Realizing that my subway stop was very close to a Paper Source store, I was able to find the product in question. Here’s a better picture of their “Snow Covered Street” bag:

As a result, I now have some questions for Paper Source.

Questions for Paper Source About These “Snow Covered Street Medium Gift Bags”:

  • Just how many reindeer do you think there are? We know the answer, and the answer is eight. We know all of their names. Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Comet, Donner, and Blitzen. Eight.

  • Are you counting Rudolph? Alright, then it’s nine.

  • Would you like help getting to ten? Fine. I’ve also heard of “Olive”, as in 🎶 Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names 🎶. It requires some clever/awful wordplay, but we’ll let you have it. Even with those two additions, you reach only a very shaky ten. As well, it’d mean you’ve got Rudolph in-line (rather than leading the pack), and without his distinguishing feature.

  • So, what are the names of the other two reindeer? I’ll say they’re “Madison” and “Logan”. Let’s go with some trendy-ass names for these ridiculous, superfluous reindeer.

  • Isn’t it likely that the average gift weight has decreased in recent years? Solid wood was replaced by plastics, and electronics have gotten smaller and lighter every year. Given that, Santa’s sleigh has surely gotten lighter. Is Santa now using more reindeer even as less energy is required, in some sort of make-work job scenario?

  • Alternately, has Santa recently gained weight, like so many people? And as a result, are more magical flying reindeer necessary to get the sleigh off the ground?

In closing, those reindeer lack antlers and kind of look like dogs.

Eee dont now

An unhelpful answer is worse than no answer.

As I skimmed through the listing for a stamp roll dispenser on Amazon, I came upon this question and answer pair:

A question being unhelpfully answered with the text 'No, í dont now '.

This incredibly useless reply from “Magaly” has been cracking me up ever since. They managed to cram three typos into just four words, which is worse even than this previous train wreck. I have many questions.

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL AMAZON USER “MAGALY”

  • Why in the world did you bother replying?

  • Are you aware that it’s not mandatory for you to fill all empty text boxes on the web?

  • How did you manage to type an “í” instead of an “I”?

  • Isn’t it fun to pronounce this emphatically, as “Eee dont now!”?

  • Does a missing period count as a typo? If so, we’ve got four typos in four words.

Man, they really nailed that comma, though.

Previously in stupid Amazon things: This Is Not Helpful, Amazon

Wine Personalized to My Tastes Is Actually Just Called “Beer”

Everything about this piece of spam for horny winos is ridiculous.

Last week, I received a spammy come-on to purchase some wine via the internet. The ad had more than a few issues.

An add that says 'Wine personalized to your tastes', with a swimsuit-clad woman lounging on a pool float holding a glass of wine she can't even drink.

SIX QUESTIONS FOR THIS SPAMMY EMAIL FOR HORNY WINOS

  • Is that woman lying down on balloons? Ah, no, I see. That’s actually a rather cool-looking pool float.

  • Do you folks sell pool floats? I’d buy that pool float.

  • Did they change the calendar recently? This email arrived on Friday, August 3rd, which was not part of any three day weekend to my knowledge. While I too enjoy three day weekends, a month ahead of time seems a bit premature to celebrate Labor Day.

  • Oh jeez, is that a cactus behind the pool float? Don’t put an inflatable pool float near cacti!

  • Say, you mention wine, but I don’t see any. Am I missing it? I see ass. Legs and ass. Definitely no face though, and also, no wine.

  • Oh, there the wine is, all the way on the left. Did anyone on the marketing team notice that there’s literally no way this ridiculously-posed woman can drink wine in that position?1

  • In closing, I’d like to know where I can buy that pool float.


    Footnotes:

    1. Perhaps she could use some sort of straw, but only if she’s some kind of anti-environmental monster. ↩︎

Iceland Airwaves Is Apparently NOT the Onboard Music Station for IcelandAir

I recently visited Iceland for the first time, and my Instagram is looking fresh as hell1. My inbox, however, is not looking quite so gorgeous. That’s due to an email I received from IcelandAir, the airline that transported me across the Atlantic. With the apparent hope that I’ll fly with them again, they sent me this:

Six Questions for This Email From IcelandAir

  • Is Björk wearing Nickelodeon™ Floam® on her face?

  • You remember Floam, right?

  • Hang on, is Björk wearing a garbage bag on her head?

  • Those aren’t earrings, are they? They’re totally the drawstrings on a goddamned garbage bag!

  • Who books travel based on a marketing email received from an airline?

  • Is the answer to the previous question “Björk fans”?

In closing, “Björk” is a funny word.


Footnotes:

  1. Here’s a small sample:


    [Link]

    I


    [Link]

    mean


    [Link]

    come


    [Link]

    on.

    In a word, Iceland is stunning.↩︎